Dear Diary
by Empress of Yaoi
Summary: A Challenge! Kaka/Gai. Summarywise? As both men have been writing down in their respective diaries(one more diligently than the other)they have loved someone for years. But that person would never love them back right? Right. But promises must be kept, even if you've only promised your 'Dear Diary' that you will tell that person today, no matter what. M for safety, I know myself ;)
1. Diary, I'll confide in you

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter one: Diary, I'll confide in you_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ This is a fic that was prompted by both another fanfic written by _Tineyninja_ and a request by _YenGirl_. I'm happy they got me to write this, even though it's proven to be harder than I thought… I actually had a little trouble coming up with the best way to tell this story, it took me days. And that's something that I'm just not used to.  
Just in case anyone actually notices what I did here; The title of the story and the chapters is simply because I was in the mood for it ;) Also, it provided me with the inspiration needed to actually start this fic. I'm a little curious to see if anyone will even figure out what I'm talking about though… 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe** _ **that**_ **is actually** _ **hers**_ **… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_Today will be the day. No matter what, today I will tell my special someone that they_ _ **are,**_ _in fact, my special someone. I'm nervous, and a little scared, but I know you will understand. It's not easy after all. If they don't feel the same way about me, it may very well shatter our friendship forever.  
Still Diary, I just can't keep quiet any longer. It hurts, you know all about how much it hurts. Seeing this person every single day but not being able to… Ah, I digress.  
I will speak to them today, and I will tell you how it went. I should probably go now, though. It's almost noon, if I hurry a little I might still be able to make it to my ten AM meeting with the Hokage,_

 _K._

XXX 

As I close the door to my apartment behind me, I can't help but sigh. I know I'm even later than usual, but I just can't seem to bring myself to hurry even a little. Sauntering through busy streets, I bury my nose in my favorite book. The people around here are used to that, and they make sure there are no collisions between our respective bodies. Even though I'll never say it out loud, I really do appreciate that. Especially on days like these, when my mind wanders so much it's not even possible to focus on Icha Icha. I try though. I need the distraction. More than anything else, I need to be distracted right now. I find myself sighing once more. Maybe lunch would be a good idea, I've skipped breakfast again after all. But no, I really should try to hurry a little. If only my legs would agree… 

As I enter Hokage Tower, I glance at the clock in the hallway. Almost twelve-thirty. I might've really gone and done it this time. There will be yelling. But honestly, I can't be bothered to care. Flipping a page, I start walking up the stairs. 

" _Kakashi!"_

I don't look up, "Yes, Shizune?" 

"We've been _waiting!_ Where were you all this time?" 

Even though I still don't look up, a small noise alerts me to the presence of Tonton. Even the _pig_ seems to be annoyed with me today. It's just not fair, really…  
"There was this little old lady that needed help crossing the street," I look up now, my vision going black for a moment as I crinkle my eye in what others always seem to assume is a smile. 

The raven-haired woman in front of me sighs dramatically, "For two and a half _hours_ , Kakashi?!" 

"Eh… She was a little indecisive," One hand rubbing the back of my head, I try to play it off. It seems to work, because she just sighs again, walking me into the Hokage's office. I put the book back in my pouch, glancing around the room with only mild interest. Of course the Hokage is there, but I also see Jiraiya, Asuma, Kurenai and Gai. I suppress another sigh. 

"Yo!" Raising one hand, I crinkle my eye again before slouching back into my usual pose. Hands safely tucked into my pockets, shoulders relaxed, "I'm sorry, I think I might be running a little late…" 

Tsunade snorts, "I'm used to you being a _little_ late, Kakashi, but this is getting _ridiculous!_ " 

I only crinkle my eye again, seems to work a lot. Not this time, though. The blonde is fuming, spouting all sorts of nonsense about how a shinobi must always be reliable, always be on time. I choose not to listen. Instead, my gaze drifts over to my fellow jounin. Asuma seems relaxed, his hands in his pockets like mine even though _his_ shoulders are straight. Kurenai is standing just a _little_ too close to him, also seemingly relaxed. Without pockets to put her hands in, her arms are dangling at her sides. Though she _is_ wearing a slight frown. No matter, it's just because I'm late again. I know her well enough to know that much. Not that I really care, but… Well, that's the way it is, right? Gai is standing on the other side of Kurenai, looking anything _but_ relaxed. But Gai hardly ever relaxes in public, so that doesn't surprise me too much. Only, this time it isn't his usually unrelenting excitement that's causing the man to shift uncomfortably. He seems… Angry with me. I swallow. I don't want Gai to be angry with me. He's my best friend, my self-proclaimed eternal rival. And he's scary when he gets mad. So I focus my attention back on Lady Hokage and the man standing at her side. Jiraiya, the legendary sannin. The guy who robbed me of my student like Tsunade and Orochimaru have as well. A light frown appears on my brow. I'm holding on to the soothing knowledge that they won't see it. The hitai'ite covers that part of my face, like my mask hides my lips when I'm not actually smiling at them and just crinkling my eye to make them _believe_ I am. These people are boring. And annoying. And just generally not good company for me to be around. Not today at least. I suppress another sigh. 

"Are you even _listening_ to me?!" Oh boy, the woman's raising her voice with me. That's never a good sign. My vision goes black for a second as my eye crinkles again, my mind working fast to remember what she was talking about. 

"I am. I'm really sorry that you seem to think public service is not something we shinobi should bother with, but I'm afraid I have to inform you that I disagree with you on that," I cock my head slightly, hoping to calm her down a little, "And as for briefing, my students are scattered off to different sensei anyway. I don't really see the need to stand here listening to how everyone else's students are doing, let alone hear how my own are doing from someone else…" 

She sighs, frowning at me, "You need to be here for the briefing because that actually _is_ a part of your shinobi duties! Helping non-existent old ladies cross the street is _not._ " 

I take a small step back, feigning surprise as well as hurt, "I can't help it if you never notice the look of distress on those soft, wrinkled faces –" 

Her voice cuts me off, "What's gotten _into_ you lately, Kakashi?" She sounds concerned and caring and all those other things that I really don't need right now. 

I swallow, "Nothing…" 

Asuma clears his throat, and for once I am grateful for him interrupting the usual banter. I'm just not  
in the mood for it today and frankly, she's getting a little too close for comfort anyway. 

"Can we just get on with the briefing? Kakashi's finally showed up and I'd like to get this over with so I can get to the rest of my day. I'm sure we all agree," He looks at Kurenai and Gai, but not me. Of course not. I'm the reason everyone's day got delayed in the first place. Inside my left pocket, my hand slowly turns into a fist. 

"You're right, Asuma," The Hokage glares at me for a few more seconds, before moving on to the biggest pain in the butt jounin-sensei have to deal with. Apart from inexperienced gennin that are way too cocky for their own good, of course. The briefing. Where we all come together every three months to discuss our team's progress. It really isn't fair that I have to be here for this as well. Sasuke is under Orochimaru's tutelage, Sakura under Tsunade's and Naruto is still studying under Jiraiya. Who shouldn't even _be_ here right now, because that means he's left the boy alone somewhere. God knows what the kid's up to right now… 

As Asuma starts his report, my mind wanders. I find myself thinking about one person in particular. I'm thinking of that person way too much. That's actually what's gotten into me. Only not lately. I've been thinking about this person for years now, and I've never actually had the guts to say anything to them. Team 7 proved to be a good distraction, but now they're all scattered about. It's not even Team 7 anymore. And it's certainly not _my_ team anymore. I try not to sigh. 

"Is this too boring for you, Kakashi?" Tsunade is frowning at me again. 

I can't help myself. I'm just too irritated right now, "Yes, actually it is. I don't even _have_ a team anymore, you sannin stole each and every one of its members. There is no reason for me to be here, and quite frankly, I never cared for these briefings anyway. Every single one of these kids is an individual, and here we are measuring their progress by how far the _others_ have come. It's a complete _waste of time!_ " I don't care anymore, turning on my heels, I bolt out of the office. Almost running down the stairs as I try to find a secluded spot before my tears spill over. I'm useless, aren't I? All my students have been taken away from me, different tutors now teach them what I should be teaching them. I couldn't keep Sasuke here, I couldn't support Naruto enough. I should've paid more attention to Sakura despite the amount of time the other two gobbled up. I'm a worthless, useless piece of shit. I'm no sensei, I'm a failure! Quickly, I make my way back to my apartment. Leaping over rooftops to avoid anyone seeing my tears. 

Landing on my balcony, I open the door to the inside of the apartment with the key. Closing the door behind me, I also draw the curtains. I don't want to be disturbed. I quickly put the bolts on all the doors and windows before dropping face down on my bed. Was I really so preoccupied with my crush that I failed my students? They were all promising young gennin. They beat the bell test. They showed great prowess in the Land of Waves. Well, the boys did. To be fair, Sakura didn't start to show any signs of being a proper shinobi until her match with Ino in the chuunin exams. But still, I tried, didn't I? She showed talent for genjutsu, so I trained her in that. But no, little miss Haruno decided she wanted to be a medical kunoichi. That she wanted to study under Lady Tsunade… She never even asked me what I thought about that, she just went and asked the sannin. A sarcastic chuckle works its way through my throat. Why wouldn't she, right? After all, both Sasuke and Naruto already had _their_ sannin teachers. Why wouldn't she want one, too? Anything to get away from me, right? Their perverted, lazy, unreliable sensei. 

My pillow and hitai'ite are wet with tears, but I can't seem to stop crying. I briefly wonder what my crush would say if they could see me now, but then violently push the thought away. I don't want to think about their reaction, their disappointment. No-one will ever see me cry. If I managed to swallow my tears at Lord Third's funeral, I will manage to swallow them in public forever more. Would I have been a better sensei if I didn't? If I'd cried at Lord Third's funeral like Kurenai did? Would Sasuke have stayed? Would he have thought that I cared after all? Asked for _my_ tutelage instead of Orochimaru's? Would Sakura have thought me worthy of being her sensei if I'd shown more emotions? Would Naruto have trusted me if I'd been the one to comfort him instead of Iruka? 

Iruka… What does that guy have that I don't anyway? Naruto was always talking to Iruka. Always repeating 'Iruka-sensei's' words back to me. When Jiraiya asked him to travel with him, Naruto and Iruka went out for ramen to say good-bye. He only briefly spoke to me. Sakura too. She spoke to 'Iruka-sensei' about wanting to be a medical kunoichi, but not to me. Both of them ignored my presence in their lives as much they could. And Sasuke… Sasuke paid more attention to _Sakura_ than he did to me. I did everything I could to train him for the third stage of the chuunin exams and still he left. I tried to explain to him that I too know loss, and he pushed me away. He went to Orochimaru and then everything turned to rubble. Everything. Would all of that still have happened if I'd chosen to train Naruto instead? Sticking him with Ebisu might not have been the best idea in retrospect but… I truly believed at the time that Ebisu was the better option for Naruto. He wants to be Hokage, right? And Ebisu's tasked with training those who show great promise to one day _be_ Hokage. But Naruto blamed me for that. Blamed me that I apparently chose Sasuke over him. I didn't. I honestly didn't. I just wanted the _both_ of them to have the best training possible! No-one else could train Sasuke, and he wanted above all to learn the Chidori, so I _had_ to train him myself. And I couldn't go back and forth between the two because the Chidori just takes a lot of work. Besides, Naruto needed to get a different view, and learn different techniques. He wasn't ready for things like the Chidori or advanced taijutsu yet. I thought Ebisu would be the best option to give him a crash course. Apparently I thought wrong… I've _never_ been wrong about these kinds of things before, I only fucked up with _those_ three. And now they hate me, they hate me so much they prefer the questionable tutelage of Orochimaru and Jiraiya over mine. Even Sakura's decided she'd rather deal with Tsunade's violence than be my student. I'm a failure as a sensei, a failure as a man. I'm lonely… 

Pushing myself up, I rest my back against the wall. The picture we all took when Team 7 was formed is on my windowsill, next to the picture of my own gennin team. Minato-sensei is dead. Obito is dead. Rin is dead. Sasuke has joined up with the enemy, becoming a missing nin. Naruto is off training with 'pervy sage' probably learning more about women than jutsu. Sakura is holed up in the library five days a week, getting a beating from 'Milady' on the other two days. I really don't have anyone left. Sighing, I push myself off the bed. I need someone to talk to.

XXX

"I'm sorry, Minato-sensei. I failed you. I failed my teammates. I failed my students. You've got every right to be angry with me. I failed your son. I know you always wanted me to be his sensei, I know you and Kushina thought I would guide him. That I would show him the importance of teamwork, of friendship. I'm so sorry.  
I'm sorry, Obito. You taught me the most important lesson I have ever learned, but I neglected your sacrifice. I failed them. I didn't teach them how important it is to work together, and they all went off on their own path. I know you probably hate me for that. And you _should._ You gave your life so I would learn this lesson, so I would pass it on. I'm so sorry, Obito.  
And Rin, I must apologize to you as well. You gave up everything for this village. For the people who needed you most. For me. I'm so sorry, Rin. I have failed you as well. I didn't keep the village safe. Lord Third died and I did nothing to protect him. I am _so_ sorry. I didn't pass on your will of fire. Sasuke _left._ I failed him like I failed you. Like I failed _all_ of you.  
Father… I'm not the son you envisioned, am I? You used to lead by example, and I tried so hard to do the same. But my example wasn't good enough, father. If it were, they would all still be here. They would be safe, and growing. But instead both of the boys are out somewhere, and I don't even know where. And all the while Sakura is still here, but I don't even know how _she_ is doing, either. She refuses to speak with me, father. That's how much of a failure I am. My own students want nothing to do with me. My friends are angry with me, and you're… I failed you, father. I am so sorry. I'm not the son you deserved, I'm –" 

"I knew we'd find you here, Kakashi." 

I don't turn around. I've resolved that no-one should ever see me cry, haven't I? So I purposefully relax my stance, keep my voice in check, "Asuma, Kurenai, Gai," I suppress another sigh, "What do you want?" 

"We just want to make sure you're okay," Kurenai approaches, and I step aside so her extended hand falls on thin air. 

"I'm fine. Why would you assume otherwise? Just because I got fed-up with early meetings that bore the living daylights out of me?" I keep my tone light, turning to face them, head cocked to the side, eye crinkle securely in place. 

"It is not something I am used to from my usually hip and cool rival!" Gai exclaims, but then he turns serious. There's always something terribly wrong when Gai just up and turns serious… I sigh. 

"My friend, what is wrong?" Gai's tone is soft, and it tugs at my already wounded heart. I can't deal with it. 

"I'm just bored. I'm always bored. Don't read so much into it, Gai," I start to walk away, but my rival's voice stops me. 

"Then I propose a challenge! Show my your youthful determination to win and I might accept your obviously made-up excuse, my friend!" 

I honestly don't know whether to sigh or smile, so I do neither, "I'm not really in the mood, Gai. Some other time, alright?" 

"So you're depressed again, is that it?" 

Asuma's conjecture is way too close, so I decide to prove them wrong, "No, but they're showing the Icha Icha movie again at the theater. If I hurry, I may be able to watch it in marathon for the rest of the day," I jump up and into the trees. Away from the memorial stone and my comrades. Apparently I can't even speak to the dead without being bothered by the living. Not fair. 

XXX 

I don't really intend to go to the theater. If the book couldn't distract me earlier, I have no hopes for the movie being any more distracting. So I head back to my apartment instead. Maybe I'll clean up a little, god knows the place needs it. But as I make the high jump up to my balcony, I find none other than Maito Gai calmly sitting on the railing. 

"Please don't lie to me, my friend," There is a little hurt in his voice, and I can feel my shoulders slump. I sigh. 

"So I changed my mind and decided my laundry was more important after all," I shrug, "That's not exactly what I call _lying_ , Gai." 

But he doesn't reply to me, instead raising his voice to the couple that I only just now realize is staking out my front door, "He's here! My youthful instincts proved right once again, my friends!" 

My gaze drifts to the clouds up above, "Gai, just leave me alone, will you?" I can't suppress the sigh that wells up, but it doesn't really matter. He'll just chalk it up to me being 'hip and cool' or whatever. 

But he doesn't. Clearly doesn't. Grabbing my flack vest, Maito Gai pulls me along. Jumping back down to street level, we apparently meet up with Asuma and Kurenai. From what my ear catches, we're supposed to go for drinks. Just great… I try to protest, but no-one even listens. So I get dragged into the bar that Gai and I held our last drinking challenge in. I was the idiot who'd said I like the place. Here, we're apparently meeting up with Genma, Raidou and the twisted twins. Which means Izumo and Kotetsu. Anko seems to have invited herself too, and she's already well on her way to being drunk beyond belief. I kind of like that about her. Anko never gets tangled up in her thoughts: She just gets drunk. I kind of wish I could just do the same. But that's not exactly my style, now is it? I get pushed down into a chair and a glass of shochu is shoved in my hand. I have no idea who's responsible for either of those things, as my eye is crinkling again. They think I'm smiling, I know I'm pushing back tears. I sigh softly. 

XXX 

The drinking continues well into the night. I skipped breakfast, lunch _and_ dinner, so I'm feeling a little… _Fuzzy_. Not that I'm actually drinking that much. Most of the glasses that get pushed into my hand get emptied in the plant beside me. It's probably drunk by now. And dead by morning. I don't really care. Even though this whole annoying thing is supposed to be about cheering me up, most of these guys are just chatting away, getting drunk. I don't care. The only thing I really care about is that every time I try to leave, someone pushes me back down. Adds another glass of alcohol to the plant. Well, _I'm_ doing _that_ , but what other option do I really have? That thing is gonna die now anyway. Might as well give it an amazing last night on earth, right? I've tried to read as well – I have _no_ idea where my book has gone. Raidou had it last, I think. I sigh again. 

The others seem to be enjoying themselves, Genma's right in the middle of regaling them all with a story of his latest conquest. I'm getting sick and tired of this. I don't care who he's slept with, and I don't care how amazingly far her limbs could bend. I honestly don't. Usually I might. But not today. It makes me wonder how far a certain someone's limbs might be able to bend. Even though I've already got a pretty good idea. Still, it's an unwelcome thought. So I get up, muttering something about getting us all another round. Happy nods all around as I make my way over to the bar. I order the drinks, slumping over the polished wood. I promised myself I would tell that person how I feel about them. That I would do it _today._ I glance at the clock. Today is only going to last me another ten minutes or so. I sigh. This is not how I envisioned my day going. This is not how I envisioned my _life_ going. The tray of glasses is set down in front of me, but I don't care. I can't be bothered to bring more liquor to my already much to inebriated so-called friends right now. I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. What? Even the famous copy ninja is allowed to sulk every now and then, right? And I'm choosing to do that right now. Deal with it. I sigh. 

"My friend, what is the matter?" Gai's tone is soft. 

I only sigh again, glancing at the clock. Five more minutes to midnight. I should get out of here. I don't want to think about anything anymore. Not now. Not when I _should_ be… I sigh. 

"Kakashi… This isn't just about your students leaving is it?" He has to almost shout the question in my ear, our 'friends' are making quite the ruckus behind me. I shake my head, but decide I'm not going to try and raise my voice over the loud laughter coming from behind. 

A warm hand is rested on my shoulder, squeezing gently, "Please _tell_ me, my friend?!" He still has to yell. A humorless chuckle escapes me. Of course Gai would be the one to follow me here. Gai of all people. I glance back up at the clock. One minute before midnight. I sigh, straightening my back. Promises matter. I mentally prepare myself to yell, having to make my voice loud enough to be heard over the insane noise coming from the guys. I swallow. Ten more seconds to midnight.  
Without warning, the ruckus calms down, but I'm already yelling. 

"I'm in _love_ with you, Gai!"


	2. He took my breath away

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter two: He took my breath away_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ I apologize if Gai seems too out of character. He is _so_ hard for me to put into words.  
But seriously, Kakashi was calmly murdering a plant and no-one even noticed? Aww…. Poor plantie…. 

Also, and this is enormously embarrassing: I forgot to thank my Beta-Awesomeness in the A/N of the first chapter! Shame on me! So I will take that time now: 

Mswan0117, thank you so, _so_ much for your thorough Beta. For your advice and your humor. For the time you spent making my acceptable story a good read. For being available to me for stupid, silly questions and for answering them without ridiculing me – which, honestly, I wouldn't be able to blame you for. Thank you for offering your unbelievably awesome services, because it really means the world to me. Honestly. I could go on here, but I won't. I'll just say this one thing one more time: _**Thank you**_ **.**

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**I am feeling youthful today, even more so than usual. I am unsure why, but I have the feeling that something important is going to happen today. Of course I will train, which is always important. And we have the Team Progression Meeting at ten. Also important.  
Still, I feel like something else might happen also. I do not know what, and I do not dare hold out hope that it might be what I have been waiting for all these years. I am certain by now that it will never happen, and I should stop thinking about it. That is too hard, though. Still, I've bared my soul on these pages, and I will not repeat myself today. In fact, I will not write any more today. I am late for my early morning run.  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M.  
**

XXX

I leave my apartment in a jog. Today I feel a little strange, and it caused me to search for and write in my diary. It must be months ago since I last felt that particular urge. Something is about to happen today though, I know it. I just wish I knew what that something was…  
My pace quickens as I leave the village, running five laps around it has been part of my training regime since long ago. Every day I try to beat my previous record time. I usually succeed. I know today I will not. Still, I try. 

Alas, I almost doubled the time I had yesterday. Resigning myself to the repercussions of that fact, I drop down for a round of ten-thousand push-ups. Izumo and Kotetsu laugh, but I ignore them. I always do. They do not understand the importance of training your body the way I do. They have been born with the talent. No matter. I've surpassed them years ago. If I were the kind of person who'd care about such things, I would take pride in that. But I'm not, so I just continue my push-ups. 

For some reason, I find my mind wandering to my eternal rival. Kakashi Hatake. The personification of talent over training. I feel blessed that I have the honor to know the man. To call this man my friend. And my rival, of course, even though Kakashi does not seem so inclined to use the title to refer back to me. But I know I have earned his respect. The only one who's respect I ever truly sought. I wonder how he is doing today. Ever since his team fell apart, my rival has been down. Walking around like a sad little kicked puppy, especially since Sakura began her training with Lady Hokage. I understand that it is a bitter pill to swallow, though I cannot grasp why Kakashi seems to insist on not speaking to the girl. I know she has tried. Maybe he is trying to convince himself he is glad to be rid of them. It would sound like a Kakashi thing to do. 

I've lost count, but I do not want the two chuunin at the guard booth to catch on to that fact. So I keep doing my push-ups. Restarting my count at one-thousand. I'm sure I was somewhere past that point. 

"Hey, Gai? You've done about twelve-thousand of them now… I thought it was only supposed to be ten-thousand?" Kotetsu's voice is hesitant as he calls out to me. I wonder if he is right. 

"Actually, he's at eleven-thousand nine-hundred and eighty-four now," Izumo corrects his best friend, "I think he might be going for twelve-thousand after all…" 

I nod, "The power of youth will give me all I need to complete my training!" I try not to let on to the fact that I hardly know what I am saying, counting out loud along with Izumo, "Eleven-thousand nine-hundred and ninety-six… Eleven-thousand nine-hundred and ninety-seven… Eleven-thousand nine-hundred and ninety-eight… Eleven-thousand nine-hundred and ninety-nine… Twelve-thousand!" I jump up, sprinting away to relieve myself of the presence of these guys. Today they annoy me a little. 

XXX 

I interrupt my taijustsu training to check the time. It is almost half past nine. If I hurry I can put in another set of push-ups before the meeting at the Hokage's office. So I drop down, deciding that just three-thousand will have to do – there is not more time. 

After, I find myself jogging – no, actually _running_ – over to the Hokage's office. Somehow my push-ups took too much time, and it is nearing ten o'clock. I round the corner into the office at a high speed, inadvertently bumping into Asuma as I do so. He falls to the floor, with me landing on top of him. 

" _Shit_ Gai, watch where you're going, will you?" He pushes me off of him rather roughly before scrambling to get up. I chuckle. 

"The springtime of youth does not allow me such liberties! We can only attempt to keep up with our youth before it fades away!" Standing, I give the man an excited thumbs-up. Even though my heart is not truly in it. Something is off today. 

I am ignored once again. I am used to it. Standing silently as my eternal rival's tardiness is discussed once more. It is always the source of many complaints. But even though it does annoy me too occasionally, I never stoop to these types of conversations. If you have a problem with someone, is not telling them about this upfront the right thing to do? Still, I find myself present during these conversations too often. While we all wait for Kakashi Hatake to show up, time goes on, and all of us start glancing up at the clock more frequently. It is nearing noon and there is still no sign of my rival. I am worried about him. I have already suggested that I go and look for him several times, but I have been denied. Lady Tsunade does not want anyone else to leave the office at this point. I just shake my head. Kakashi is most likely finding it difficult to leave his apartment. He has clearly not been feeling well lately. But he refuses to talk about it, with me at least. I have tried to challenge him seven times over the last two weeks, but he always tells me he is either busy, or not in the mood. I worry for him. He is my best friend, my eternal rival, my – 

"Yo!" I look up as my rival enters. Raising his hand to make pretend that he is fine. He is not. I can tell. 

Lady Hokage's words are clearly lost on him. And his responses seem slower than usual. I can feel a frown settle on my brow. I really do worry for him. I worry too much, most likely. But I seem to be the only one that cares. Asuma's words make that clear for me. So I try to turn my focus on my duties, on the meeting. My rival's soft sigh doesn't escape me and my brow furrows in concern for him. Evidently, Lady Hokage does not share my concern. And as my friend replies, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, my throat slowly closing in sympathy. 

"Yes, actually it is. I don't even _have_ a team anymore, you sannin stole each and every one of its members. There is no reason for me to be here, and quite frankly, I never cared for these briefings anyway. Every single one of these kids is an individual, and here we are measuring their progress by how far the _others_ have come. It's a complete _waste of time!_ " 

I realize I am most likely the only one who hears the sheer amount of pain in Kakashi's voice, but as he storms out of the office, I find myself proven wrong. 

"What the hell…?" Lady Hokage's voice is soft. Taken aback, she slouches in her chair. 

"That's… Kakashi is…" I can see tears well up in Kurenai's eyes. 

Asuma only swallows hard, he is trying not to show his own uneasiness. But Jiraiya seems to have no issues with doing just that, "Does he really think we _stole_ them? I thought he was excited for both Naruto and Sakura to have the chance to study under you and me," He turns to his fellow sannin, a thoughtful look on his face. 

I am trembling. My anger is almost impossible to suppress and my voice sounds like a snake's hiss as I speak up, "Are you happy now? My rival has had more than enough hardships already and you two take away his students and honestly expect him to be _happy_ about that?! That is just too low for me," Turning, I follow my rival out. But as I reach the door, I am stopped by Lady Hokage's demanding voice. 

"You will stay here and finish the meeting, Gai. Kakashi will just have to take care of himself. That's what he always does, anyway." 

I am furious, but I recognize the truth in her words. Even if I were to follow him now, Kakashi would send me away. I know that much. This meeting is important too. And Jiraiya did not come all this way to have it cut short by the copy nin's short fuse. I know. Still… I _will_ find him after this is done. And I _will_ make him talk to me. I have had _enough._

XXX

"I knew we'd find you here, Kakashi," I frown lightly, we all did, didn't we? Asuma is just the first to open his mouth when we arrive at the monument. But I remain quiet, watching as my rival side-steps Kurenai's well-intended gesture. 

As he turns around and tries to make light of the situation, he states that he is bored. I do not believe him, however, this could be my chance. So I spring into action, giving him a thumbs-up together with a wide smile, "Then I propose a challenge! Show me your youthful determination to win and I might accept your obviously made-up excuse, my friend!" 

He declines, of course. And I have to admit to myself that it hurts. It always hurts, but this time around… Was that thing that was supposed to happen today a bad thing after all? I can only hope that my feeling was correct and that this is not it. Kakashi's excuse about wanting a marathon viewing of his favorite book's movie is completely see-through, but I let him go. Sighing silently. 

"Shouldn't we go after him?" 

Asuma shakes his head, "Kurenai, the guy obviously doesn't want our help. Lady Tsunade was right, he prefers to deal with his problems himself." 

I clench my fists, "Is this how you treat your friend?! Where is your love, your youth?!" I want to say more but I am cut off by Asuma's weary voice. 

"We're _not_ youthful anymore, Gai. We're grown men," Kurenai frowns, "And one beautiful grown woman," The bearded man adds. 

"Besides, Gai… If he's going to the theatre…" 

"He isn't. I know my rival. He is going to sulk at home. He has surely closed the curtains before he came here, and he's planning to spend the rest of the day indoors. He will not eat, he will not take a single sip of water. And tomorrow, he will be feeling no better. I am going after him," I push off, leaping into the trees. I quickly find I am followed by my colleagues. 

"What do you propose we do, Gai?" Kurenai seems genuinely interested in what I am planning. But I do not _have_ a plan. Not yet. So we formulate one together on the way over. I am certain that Kakashi has not made it to his apartment yet, and they agree with me. However, _they_ seem to believe that the copy nin actually uses his front door. The thought almost makes me chuckle. 

"My rival cannot be bothered to walk up the stairs, he will jump up from this street and land on his balcony." 

"Right… Like that's _less_ work…" Asuma looks at me incredulously. 

"You know what? We'll make a bet out of it," Kurenai smiles, "We will each stake out the door we think he's going to use. And the one that was _wrong_ will pay for the first round of drinks." 

"Drinks?" Genma suddenly interrupts our conversation, "I'm up for drinks," The man is in the company of his own best friend, and Raidou quickly concurs. Kurenai quickly explains that we're waiting for Kakashi to join us, and they tell us they will go on ahead then. Maybe see if more people want to join in. They ask which bar we're going to and I quickly step in. 

"Across from the gate, that one with the palms on either side of the door," They nod and walk off, while Asuma throws me a questioning look. 

"That's quite a ways away…" 

I bend my knees for the high jump, curtly explaining that it is my rival's favorite before leaving them on the street. I actually lied. Kakashi does not _have_ a favorite bar; Neither of us does. Neither of us drinks very often. But that one time we did – And my rival won that challenge – we went to that bar, and Kakashi stated he kind of liked the place. And since this is all about cheering him up enough so my rival will talk to me, I figure that bar will be a good place to start. 

I cannot have been waiting long. Ten minutes at most. I have settled myself semi-comfortably on the railing, waiting for my eternal rival to return home. When he lands beside me, I look up. He looks startled. Of course he is. It is not often that I go over to his apartment after all. 

"Please don't lie to me, my friend," I want to say more, but he cuts me off. 

Shrugging, Kakashi tries to get me to believe that his _laundry_ is actually more important to him than watching his favorite movie. The concept is almost funny. But at the same time it is too sad, so I do not reply, instead calling out to Asuma and Kurenai, "He's here! My youthful instincts proved right once again, my friends!" 

It hurts when he refuses to even look at me, "Gai, just leave me alone, will you?" His soft sigh almost breaks my heart. If only this man would realize how much I care about him! I try to hide my feelings by pulling him closer before jumping down to the street once more. He is so close now. It is difficult for me. But Kurenai is already here, and Asuma is not far behind. 

"Seems like we're paying the first round of drinks, then," The bearded man smirks at me, and I point out that since there are two of them, they should each pay one round before the bet is settled. They agree grumpily and as we head for the bar we've agreed to meet the others in. I try to ignore my rival's obvious reluctance to accompany us. I fear I cannot let go of his flack vest; The man might actually try to run away. So I hold on. Even if this is slightly painful for me. He is my eternal rival. He is my best friend. He is so much more. 

XXX

Inside the bar, I push my friend down on one of the empty chairs surrounding the table that Genma and Raidou have picked out. The latter of the two immediately greets us with a round of liquor, pushing a glass in my rival's limp hand. Conversations are loud around us, but I pay no attention to that. Instead I focus on my friend, hoping to see him relax if only a little. But he does not. Carefully pouring out his glass in pot of the palm next to him, he attempts to return to his reading material. I yank the book away from him, feeling a little annoyed with his self-chosen solitude. The book is quickly taken from me, I do not try to get it back. As Anko's drunken voice starts reading out loud, I study the man before me. He is once again emptying his glass in the palm, that thing will most likely not survive the sheer amount of liquor that Kakashi has already given it. It's a little funny if I'm honest. My rival is carelessly murdering a plant, and no-one else seems to notice. 

Apparently something Anko reads from the Icha Icha book resonates with Genma and he starts telling us all about 'some chick I met last night'. It nauseates me a little, but I do not say a word about it. I cannot see what someone could ever see in 'some chick I met last night'. I prefer longstanding relationships, preferably without any 'chicks' in them. Not that I actually have that much experience on the subject either way. I'm sure by now they all think I am asexual or something of the sort. Not that I care. 

I got lost in my own thoughts, looking up to find my eternal rival _not_ sitting in his seat. I blink, nudging Raidou to ask where my friend has gone. 

"He said he was getting another round. Taking his sweet time, though…" 

I sigh quietly, searching for that familiar head of silver hair. I sincerely hope Kakashi has not managed to sneak away after all. It would completely defeat the purpose of having downed more liquor than I care to ingest on a single night. Spotting him, I hurry over to the bar. Maybe he will talk to me when there are no others listening in. 

I keep my tone soft, even though the volume is rather high; the people that have accompanied us tonight are being too loud for me, "My friend, what is the matter?" He does not reply, only sighing as he looks away from me. It hurts more than I would care to admit right now, but I try again, voicing the suspicions that have been distracting me from my training for weeks now, "Kakashi… This isn't just about your students leaving is it?" 

My rival shakes his head, and I cannot help but place a hand on his shoulder. I just wish that he would _talk_ to me! I urge him to, but only get a humorless chuckle in return. Again, my best friend looks away from me. There seems to be hesitation in his posture though, so I decide I will not push again. I will wait. I silently resign myself to remain quiet until after midnight at least. But if he has not spoken until a quarter past, I will drag him out of here and _force_ him to. I cannot take this anymore. He is… _Kakashi._ I _care_ about this man. 

Behind me, Genma has finished his tale, and the laughter is dying down. In the almost-silence that ensues, Kakashi's voice seems to sound even louder than it actually is. 

"I'm in _love_ with you, Gai!"


	3. I can't get him off my mind

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter three: I can't get him off my mind_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ YenGirl: I'm still not completely sure what's supposed to be hitting which fan, but... Hope this was what you were waiting for? Just kidding, I know it's not. ;) 

Queenofallthingsrandom: I _don't_ want you to die, because that would rob me of a reviewer, and I kinda like reviews ;) However... You might just die. Yeah, _so_ sorry... But this is quite certainly not what you wanted chapter three to be... hehe 

Hatake Kazumi: Haven't seen you on the second chapter, but figured you'd read it eventually anyway. I know you're unsure what you want Gai to do at this point, profess his love or turn away. But... You're not going to find that out by reading chapter three. 

VictoriaLovesSmut: I know you know my style probably better than most, and you should already kinda realise what's about to happen. I'm going to be stringing you along a little longer. Say cheese! Lol. 

Rika24: Yes, very awkward. Which is why I will take this time to apologize to you... Gai isn't going to reciprocate Kakashi's feelings, nor turn him down. Not in this chappy at least xD 

The above is just a little peek into my twisted little mind, the things that played through it as I read through this chapter one final time before posting it. Yes, I am evil. And you may call me devil incarnate, I don't really care – actually, I think I do... _Please_ come up with a name that would accurately describe how you feel about me now. I'd _love_ to hear it. 

Thank you so much Mswan0117 for doing the Beta on this one as well, I'm sure we all appreciate it. I know that I do, at least. And I'm sure that no-one else would like to sift through the nightmare that I sent you xD 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity** **(Though my mother would have you believe** _ **that**_ **is actually** _ **hers**_ **… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_I have a confession to make. Something really strange happened today, you see. Most of the day was dull as usual, and I will not bore you with the details of it. We will skip to when I was sitting under a tree in the park. It was around four in the afternoon and the sun was warm on my body. There weren't many clouds, and only the branches of the tree shielded my skin from the burning rays.  
_

_I'm starting to sound like a poet here, aren't I Diary? It's not really like me at all. But something happened to put me in the mood for some poetry. Something that I can never tell anyone about, but I can tell you. So I will.  
_

_Right, around four in the afternoon. I was enjoying the warmth of the sun, the play of light and shadow from the tree leafs on my legs. It really was a lovely day. And then Gai showed up. Seriously, this guy has been hounding me for years! Always jumping me, begging for me to participate in one challenge or another. I'm used to it by now, though. And I think that over the last few years I've even grown to enjoy it. Not that I will ever tell him that of course. It would be like pouring oil on a house fire. Unnecessary, and it might even make things worse. Though I can't really see how, if I'm honest. He's already challenging me every chance he gets.  
_

_Today though, I really didn't feel like it. There was this girl looking at me from the bridge, and she was pointing me out to her friends, blushing and stuff… She was cute, you know? I mean, I'm almost sixteen, I'm allowed to get a little distracted by girls on my day off, right? Right. So I really didn't want to take Gai up on his challenge – he would make me look ridiculous in front of those girls, I just knew it. So I declined. I have a right to decline every once in a while, right? Right. But… He was almost crying, Diary… And it made me feel like I'm a terrible person.  
_

_I know I've been away for a while, and before I left, Gai had already been out for three weeks or so. So no, we haven't seen each other in a while. Honestly Diary, I guess I kind of missed him. A lot, to be completely square with you. And I can be, right? It's not like you're ever going to tell on me, right Diary? And I need someone to talk to. I don't think I can even talk to Obito or Rin about this, certainly not to Minato-sensei.  
_

_So I declined. And I swear that he literally started crying right then and there. Of course Gai's always been an emotional one, but this… And when I looked over at the girls, they were obviously making fun of him. And of me, just for being near the guy. I wanted to shove him away, for a moment I really did. But as I was watching the girls, some guy walked up to them. And he kissed the girl that'd been checking me out right on the lips! And she kissed back! Now of course I'm all for watching a good make-out session, seriously. But she was just checking me out, right? Right. And this guy was clearly her boyfriend or something. And then she pointed to me – or Gai, or both of us, I don't know and it doesn't matter. But she pointed. And then they all laughed even louder. It was humiliating.  
_

_Mean time, Gai doesn't even realize of course. He was bawling his eyeballs out, hugging me against his chest saying stupid stuff about how we should spend as much time together as we could because we're in the springtime of youth. Really, that guy's a little embarrassing sometimes.  
_

_But then I started thinking… If he's really that embarrassing, why do I even put up with him, right? Right. So my mind kind of drifted off to all the good stuff about Gai. Should I list them for you? I think I should list them for you. Here goes:  
_

_1\. He's always there for me.  
_

_2\. He's a great friend.  
_

_3\. He can cheer me up when no-one else can.  
_

_4\. He's strong and capable – okay that was two things.  
_

_5\. He's fun to be around, even if I don't want to show that to him.  
_

_6\. He never cares about personal space – I know it sounds silly to list that as a good point, but hear me out; I push people away, right? Right. But that's just because I feel so lonely all of the time, and Gai's never allowed me to push him away. Which brings me back to point 1. He is literally always there for me, no matter how mean I am to him.  
_

_7\. He can be serious, as well as just a good laugh.  
_

_8\. He's warm, and gentle, and just basically an all-around good guy.  
_

_9\. He's freaking amazing.  
_

_10\. I'm in love with him._

 _That last one, that's the one that I realized today. That's the amazing thing that I had yet to discover about Maito Gai. I'm in love with him. I love him. Which is… Bad, I suppose. I mean, he's a guy, right? Right. So this whole 'being in love with Maito Gai' thing is going to be a pain. A huge pain. Because he's a guy. And there is no way that I can actually be in love with a guy, right? Right. Only I think I am. I really think I am… Thing is, he's never going to be in love with me too, right? Right. So… I can't tell anyone about this. Only you, Diary. Only ever you.  
_

_Can you imagine courting a guy? I can't. I really can't. Even though… I may want to try…  
But it's useless, isn't it? Even if I might entertain thoughts like that, he sure won't, right? Right. I'm a guy too, after all. So he's not going to feel the same about me. Never.  
_

_That hurts me a little, Diary. You may not be able to understand it, because you're not really into any guys – or girls for that matter. But I am. I think. I wonder how it would feel to kiss him… I've kissed plenty girls, would a guy be different? I'm not sure. I think that if you go any further it's definitely going to be very different, though. I know how it works with girls, you ask if it's their first time, and if it is you scram. And if it's not, you kinda have to get them in the mood a little first, but after that they're usually game. Having to keep checking if they're liking it is sort of annoying though… And for some stupid reason it's never enough for them to just… Well, you know. You have to keep stroking them, and making sure they're getting off and stuff and it's just a big pain, right? Right. Would that be different with a guy? Probably would, but I don't really know what to do with a guy, you know? I mean… There's another hole on the human body, two actually, so there's still somewhere to stick it in, but… I dunno… Sounds kinda gross to me… Not blowjobs! I love blowjobs! I had this one girl once, she was really good… Oh, wait, I already told you about that, right? Right.  
_

_I think a guy would be really good too, because they know what it feels like so they can do it better. Although… I don't know if I could… But maybe that's just because the idea of someone's dick in my mouth is a little… Weird. I'm actually starting to think it may not be bad weird, though. What do you think? I already know that Gai's is kinda tiny, so it's not like I would gag, right? Or maybe… I mean, how do you even know how big too big is, right? Right.  
_

_See why I picked you up again, Diary? I can't stop thinking about this stuff. And that's like… Really bad, right? Right. It's really bad. Rin would say it's gross, and I'm sure that Obito would puke. Minato-sensei would be disappointed in me, wouldn't he? If he was still alive, and he knew about this, he would never let me near his son, would he? The kid would be taken care of better, though… He wouldn't need me. Even if Minato-sensei said that he'd like for me to be his kid's sensei when he's old enough. I'm not good enough for that. I'm… Am I gay? Gay for Gai?  
_

_This is confusing me Diary. And I don't have time to be confused right now. I'm supposed to leave again in the morning. But it's almost morning already. And I'm really tired from thinking about all this. Maybe I'll sleep in for once. Maybe, just once, it's okay to bend the rules a little and show up a little later. I think I'll do that. Goodnight, Diary.  
_

_K._


	4. Today I saw a boy

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter four: Today I saw a boy_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ I have no idea how a kid writes, let alone how kid-Gai would write… I tried though! Sorry that this is so short, but Gai simply does not strike me as the guy that would write pages and pages in his diary. Not even when he was young, not even when he writes about… _This_. 

Thanks again Mswan0117 for your awesome Beta on this! 

Anyway, a huge thanks to TineyNinja for taking the time to check out _my_ take on these two. It's quite the honor, to be frank. Which is why this is the **second** chapter that I am uploading today. Yay! 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary  
**

**Even though this notebook was a birthday gift from Mama, I have not written down a single word before. But today, something happened and I have to share. I cannot share this with anyone else for fear of gossip. So I will simply write it down, and hope this distraction will fade away.  
**

**Today I challenged a boy. His name is Kakashi Hatake. I know him from the Academy, he is the type of person that people refer to as ´talented´. I wish to prove that hard work can yield the same results as being born with talent. That is why I challenged him. He declined, telling me he chooses to never do anything he does not want to do. This is just a minor setback of course. I will be unrelenting in my efforts to test my skills against his!  
**

**This, of course, is what I have been trained to do. Never give up. Prove yourself. But, I fear it is more. This time, it is more than that. This time, I saw not only the genius. I am quite certain that I saw the boy.  
**

**A boy with dazzling silver hair. With deep, dark grey eyes that look so serious all the time. The boy that sighs way too often for someone our age. The boy that makes me feel… Funny. My stomach feels like a tight knot when I think about him, and my heart burns. I find it difficult to think because my head feels fuzzy. I was a little worried, so I explained my symptoms to Mama. She let out a very scary sound, I believe people call it ´squealing´, before asking me who the girl was. I told her I did not understand and she explained that I am… In love.  
**

**In love. Those are strange words. But they fit this boy so well. I am… In love with him. I am in love with Kakashi Hatake. I´ll not tell anyone about this. I remember very well the teasing that my teammate Genma had to endure when he confided in my other teammate Ebisu about a girl that he liked. Before long, everyone knew. I do not want that. I feel that somehow this might even turn out worse. I´ve never heard about a boy being in love with another boy before. Ebisu would surely make my life harder than it has to be.  
**

**My life already is harder than it has to be, though. I am distracted and without focus. Both Papa and Choza-sensei have scolded me today. It does not matter. I will challenge Kakashi again tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that. Every day I will challenge him until he accepts my challenge. I will do anything for this. And I will spend time with him. I like that thought. I think I like it a lot. I have already deduced where he lives. Tomorrow, after my five laps around the village, I will visit him. I will see him again and I will challenge him. I hope to challenge him to a round of taijutsu. It is my specialty after all, and I would like to see how this genius holds up to my relentless training. Also… I would like to touch him. If we compete in taijutsu, I will touch him. I like that thought. Maybe I will get close enough to use a strangle hold. That way I will touch him most. I like that thought.  
**

**Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go over, and I will challenge him to a match. And when he accepts, it will be the happiest day of my life. I am in love with Kakashi Hatake. It feels really good to write that down. It may feel even better to say it, but I won't. He is remarkable, though. Smart and funny and pretty too. I believe. He wears this mask that makes it a little hard to be sure. Still.  
Maybe I can challenge him to an eating contest? I would get to see his face, because he would have to take the mask off to eat. Yes, that sounds like a good plan. But maybe I should wait until our relationship progresses. First, taijutsu. Later, dinner!  
**

**I am sorry. I believe I just made the same noise that Mama made when I described my symptoms. I will take this as my cue to stop writing. I should go to bed, tomorrow will be another arduous day of training! But with my youth, I will see my dream come true.  
**

**One day, I will kiss Kakashi Hatake.  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M.**


	5. Does he know what's in my heart?

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter five: Does he know what's in my heart?_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ We are back to present times! Not more flashbacks to annoy (or kill) you! Present times! You're probably _still_ going to think I'm mean though… *maniacal laugher in the distance* Who? Me? No, I didn't laugh, why would you think that? 

A _huge_ thanks goes out to Mswan0117 for doing my Beta, and to all the reviewers who make me want to post the next chapter. I hope you guys are happy, but I kinda know you won't be xD Lol, I love cliffhangers, folks! _Love_ 'em. But honestly, I love all of _you_ too, so just be patient a _little_ longer. That's all I'm asking ^.^ 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe** _ **that**_ **is actually** _ **hers**_ **… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_Please kill me now! I told him, oh yes, I told him alright. My crush, my friend, my self-proclaimed eternal rival. Maito Gai. I told him. Oh my god, please someone kill me now.  
_

_I didn't just tell him, Diary. I yelled it at him! I yelled it at him! I yelled it at him! I know I keep repeating the same thing over and over, but that's just about all that my mind can come up with right about now. Some genius, right? Right.  
_

_You see, it was almost midnight, and I promised you that I would tell him yesterday. But the seconds were ticking away and I didn't know what to do anymore. So I yelled to drown out the other voices in the bar, so he could hear me. Oh, he heard me alright. I'm pretty damn sure he heard me…  
_

_I'm a coward, Diary. I ran away. I yelled that I'm in love with him and then I just ran away. There's no way that's even remotely okay, now is it? Everyone heard me, the entire bar! Not just Gai, but Asuma and Kurenai and Genma and Raidou and Anko and the twisted twins and… Everyone. Everyone heard me yell, "I'm in love with you, Gai". That's pretty bad, right? Right.  
_

_Damn, I thought I broke that habit of saying 'right? Right' years ago. Around when I was sixteen. Around when I first realized I'm in love with Maito Gai. But I'm just so confused right now, Diary. I'm all torn up inside. There's no way I can ever show my face again, but at the same time, this may very well be my one and only shot, right? Right.  
_

_I love him. I know I love him. I just don't know how he feels about me. There's a very real possibility I've just destroyed everything between us. It's just about a certainty, right? Right. It's certain. I fucked up. Completely fucked up. How could I be so stupid, Diary? Even if I was going to tell him no matter what, I could've at least tried to get him alone! I embarrassed him in front of everyone! I embarrassed myself in front of Gai and everyone! I embarrassed myself in front of Gai… Please kill me now. I can't live knowing I embarrassed myself in front of Gai, I just can't. I love him so much…  
_

_You know what? I'm gonna go over. That's all I can do, right? Right.  
I'm going over, and I'm gonna… I dunno, but I'm going over.  
I am. Really. As soon as I've cleaned my apartment. It's really dirty.  
Yeah, after that I'm going over.  
And I'm gonna tell him…  
I'm gonna tell him it was a joke!  
No, I'm gonna be honest, come what may.  
No wait, I can't do that, right? Right.  
I'm gonna say it was a distraction. So I could get away and be alone because I already said that I wanted to be alone and he dragged me to that bar anyway.  
I can't do that! I can't lie to Gai!  
I should, though. He's probably disgusted.  
Yeah, I'm gonna say I just wanted to be alone and that was the only way I saw to be alone.  
And then I'm gonna apologize. I should at least apologize right? Right.  
Say I'm sorry for freaking him out.  
Yeah…  
I'm gonna do that.  
_

_K.  
_

XXX 

I must admit that I slammed my diary shut so roughly I was worried for a second. Worried that I broke it. After being alone for most of my life, my diary really means a lot to me. So I checked the spine, checked the pages. All the while mumbling apologies to the little book. I know it's a little silly perhaps, but still. Apart from Gai, that diary is my only real friend. God that sounds pathetic. 

But my little treasure seems fine, so I apologize once more, gently placing it back in the top drawer of my nightstand. I whisper a thank-you as I close the drawer. Writing in my diary is the best way to organize my thoughts, it always has been. I know what to do now. Go over to Gai's place and apologize, apologize, apologize profusely. Beg for forgiveness. But don't tell him I was serious, tell him I was just trying to get away. But… If I do that, it's the end of it all, isn't it? There's a very real possibility that he's never going to talk to me again anyway. So I might as well be honest, right? Right. No, don't be stupid! Annoyed with myself, I grab the pile of laundry at the foot of my bed. I'm going to put a load in the washer first. Calm down a little. Calm down, how do I even _do_ that right now? Everyone heard me! I fucking yelled! I'm such an idiot… 

After starting the machine, I stand there, watching my clothes and bed sheets tumble around inside. My mind is going a million miles an hour and I can't even keep track.  
Tell Gai, don't tell Gai. Be honest, lie through my teeth. Show up with flowers, don't go over at all. Kiss him, stay away from him. Laugh it off, tell him how much I love him. Run away from Konoha, hug Gai to my chest as I tell him I never want to leave his side again. I'm so torn right now. 

I love him. But I can't tell him that. Only I did. I'm an idiot. I did the right thing. I should just off myself. Go talk to Minato-sensei. Go talk to Obito. Go talk to Rin. Go talk to Gai. Take an oath of silence. Become a monk. Wait, monks aren't allowed to read Icha Icha, are they? I don't think so. I guess becoming a monk is off the table, then. I love him. I always have. I'm a dirty, disgusting pervert. There's no way Gai wants me to love him. I'm not worthy of loving him. I still do. He's pure. I'm rotten to my core. He's perfect. I'm like a broken sword. Sharp edges, but nothing more. 

I turn away from the washer, my thoughts are depressing me. Maybe even more than thoughts about what was once called 'Team 7'. Maybe not. Damnit, now I'm thinking about them again. What would they say about me loving Gai? Sasuke would tell me to shut up and get back to training him… I almost smile at the thought of how the boy would look. But that's just it. He's not that boy anymore. He's a missing nin because I screwed up. See? I don't deserve Gai, right? Right.  
But just to entertain the thought, what would Naruto say? Huh, I'd probably have to explain the concept first. 'Naruto, I feel about Gai the way you feel about Sakura'. Oh yes, that would go over _real_ well… If he doesn't laugh at me, it's probably because he's throwing up. Just like Obito. They really are so much alike, right? Right.  
And Sakura? She's not like Rin. Would she… Accept it? No. Probably not. It's _me_ after all. Her dirty, perverted sensei. She'd probably think I was just being perverted again. 

I have to wipe the tears out of my eyes. I'm not just being perverted again, am I? Over the years I _have_ been thinking more and more about Gai. And not just about how great a guy he is to be around. I wonder how it would feel to wake up next to him. I wonder how it would feel to kiss him. I wonder if I'd be okay with him fucking me. If he'd let me fuck him. I wonder how it would feel to give him a handjob. I wonder if I would gag if I gave him a blowjob. I wonder how it would feel to have his hand around my dick. I wonder how it would feel if he put his lips around my dick. 

That's perverted, isn't it? That's gross, right? Right. He's my best friend after all. He's the man I love. Is it gross to think about sex with the man you love? The emphasis being on the word ' _man_ ', here. I guess that's perverted after all. Right? Wrong. _Wrong_. It's _not_ wrong to think about pleasuring the man you love. It can't be. Not if I really love him. And I do. But he's my _best_ friend! _  
_

Slumping back down on my bed I bury my head in the pillow.  
I love him. I'm in love with him. He's my best friend. He probably hates me now. He should. I yelled at him. And then I ran away. Like a coward. I'm a coward. I love him. I love him so much. I can't live without him. I'm gonna have to learn. He's never going to look at me again. He hates me now. I love him. I love him. I love him. 

That's it. I've had enough. I push myself off the bed. A quick shower, cold water to wash away the puffiness around my eyes. To wash away the hardness between my legs. Clean uniform. No, civilian clothes. Uniform is better. Uniform it is. I walk over to the door to my balcony. I turn around again. I can't do this. I have to. I can't. I can. I can't. Fuck all of this, I can't.


	6. Should I tell him how I feel?

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter six: Should I tell him how I feel?_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ I will stop the torture – for now that is ;) By the end of this chappy, you will finally have your wish, my dear readers ;) Hopefully… Last chapter I asked you guys to just wait a _little_ longer, remember? Well, the wait is over ^.^ 

Mswan0117, thank you for lending me your mastery of the English tongue once more. Thank you for taking the time to Beta this little cutesy story of mine. 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**I find I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around something that happened today. No, yesterday actually. It was just before midnight that my eternal rival, my best friend, the love of my life told me that he is in love with me.  
I did not expect him to ever say anything of the sort. Ever. Hence my need to write down my thoughts on these pages once more.  
**

**I did feel like something big was going to happen yesterday, but I could have never imagined this was even possible. Kakashi has been so down lately, and all I wanted was to make him feel a little better again. I know that might sound presumptuous. That I could actually make him feel better while I realized he was upset over the apparent loss of his team, over his own failure. But still, I did. Never in my life would I have expected him to also be anxious over having feelings for me. Never. But it would seem that such is the case.  
**

**He shouted his feelings out in a crowded bar. That almost sounds like it should be the lyrics to one of those songs that Tenten likes to listen to. But it is not. It is, in fact, real. He loves me. Or at least, he is in love with me. I have no idea how to reply to that. Should I tell him how I feel? Or should I shield my already broken and battered heart? I am sure it is most likely a fleeting feeling, one brought on by loneliness and thoughts of failure. I do not dare assume more.  
**

**It would only lead to heartbreak.  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M.**

XXX

I sigh, pushing the embarrassing little notebook back under my mattress. I've kept it there since I first got it all these years ago. My diary. There are only about twenty entries. They are all about the one thing I cannot speak of to anyone; My love for Kakashi Hatake. I sit down on my bed, resting my head in my hands. I should be out training right now, but I just cannot seem to focus long enough to even remember how many push-ups the penalty for neglecting my morning jog was again. 

He just ran out. I was too shocked to move, and by the time I _could_ , everyone had gathered around me. Laughing at Kakashi. Making jokes at his expense. Tears are running down my cheeks as I remember some of the things our so-called friends said last night. I will never be able to forget them. 

Raidou: "I feel for ya, Gai." 

Izumo: "He is such a – _wait_ for it –" 

Kotetsu: " _Pervert!_ " 

Anko: "Bro-love, bro-love where art thou, my bro-love? In Kakashi Hatake's pants!" She toppled over after that, passed out from all the alcohol. 

Genma hadn't said a word, but the looks he gave me hurt just as much. Kurenai too. Only Asuma managed to not sound or look like a total asshole, "Who cares who Kakashi loves? If Gai's into that, I say go for it, my man!" But the dirty grin on his face wasn't exactly what I needed either. So I stumbled out of the bar. Unsure if my unsteady footing was due to an overdose of liquor, or Kakashi's confession. 

But now I'm sitting here, alone in my room. And I cannot honestly believe that Kakashi meant what he said. He was most likely trying to get away from everybody. Why else would he have raised his voice like that? Drop a smoke bomb and get the hell out, right? That's what you do when you're outnumbered. Live to fight another day. I cannot honestly believe there was more to it. Maybe he picked up on my feelings for him after all, and he purposely tried to hurt me. Though that seems hard to believe as well. It is not like Kakashi to intentionally hurt his comrades. His friends. Am I his friend? 

Shrugging, I have to admit to myself that I do not know. Not for sure. I know he respects my capabilities as a shinobi, but Kakashi seems to have decided he isn't cut out to be friends with anyone after the deaths of his entire team. Maybe I've been deluding myself all these years. It sounds quite believable actually, when you stop to think about it. 

I know I shouldn't think like this. I know that Maito Gai is not known for sulking. But I cannot seem to shake these thoughts. I love him. I've always loved him. I always will. Forever.  
He probably thinks I'm a joke. Someone who's leg he can pull to get out of an unwanted situation. I cannot see it any other way. 

Suddenly I become aware of the fact that there has been someone knocking on my door for a good ten minutes now. Non-stop. Someone's going to have a painful set of knuckles. I smile wryly. It's most likely Lee. I don't really feel up to seeing the boy today. Even if he is as close as a son to me. Today, I don't feel like I can handle being around him. I can't be his sensei today. He needs me to be excited about training, he needs me to have all the answers. I don't. 

I sigh, but get up nonetheless. It's not fair to just leave him there. Maybe I can convince the boy that I am ill. That I need to rest. I sure do _feel_ like I'm ill. My stomach hurts and so does my head. I am certain that if I were to feel my forehead now, it would be just a little too hot. Another sigh escapes me as I walk over to my front door. 

As I open it, I look down at Lee's head. Only it isn't there. Instead, I find myself staring at a flack vest. One that is very familiar. I swallow, slowly lifting my gaze. 

"Yo!" He raises his hand in a greeting, but his eye does not crinkle the way I am used to. It stays open, regarding me with a fearful look. My legs are shaking, and I stumble backwards. Apparently my rival takes that as an invitation to come in. Or maybe he just figures it's easier than pushing me aside. Either way, Kakashi enters my apartment. I watch him swallow. He doesn't speak and I cannot find my voice. I try, but even though my mouth opens, not a sound comes out. 

I watch fearfully as Kakashi closes my front door behind him, proceeding to lean against it after. He does not speak, and neither do I. I cannot. But why won't he? I swallow, startled as I hear him sigh. 

"Gai… I intended to come over and explain to you that all I did last night was try to find a way out," He sighs again and I can feel tears forming in my eyes. I knew it. I knew all along. He isn't even my friend, is he? 

"But you see… I've never lied to you before. And I don't want to start doing that today," His tone is soft, and I can feel myself trembling once more. Still, it cannot be more than a fleeting feeling. Surely he came over to tell me that. To tell me that he has been lonely. 

"It's just that…" Kakashi swallows, I can see it through the mask, "I've been feeling down, lately. Lonely," See? I knew it. It's nothing but fleeting feelings. Brought on by my rival's loneliness. 

"And… I was overwhelmed yesterday," I almost smirk, it was obvious. He probably didn't even know what he was saying until he had already said it. That's why he ran away, I'm sure. 

"But I shouldn't have yelled at you. No matter what, I shouldn't have yelled at you. I know how bad that sounded, and I'm incredibly sorry," I bite my lip. I really do not want to hear the next words that will fall from my rival's lips. I cannot deal with that, so I push myself off the wall, intending to walk back to my bedroom. I hope he'll just leave, though I know he won't. When Kakashi speaks, he does so because there is something he wants to tell you. 

Hands grip my shoulders painfully tight and I am slammed back against the wall. The look on Kakashi's face closely resembles panic. I try to calm him down, he is my best friend after all. He never intended to break my heart, I realize that now. I realize what a mean person I was for ever even considering the option, "Do not worry, my rival! Yelling is just an expression of youth! And who could ever deny you the springtime of youth?!" I want to say more, but my voice has disappeared once again, so I only give him an energetic thumbs-up. Even though I am biting back my tears, even though my heart is in shambles once more. It is not Kakashi's fault. It was never Kakashi's fault. My pain is due to my own foolish hope. I know that. 

He pulls me forward, slamming my body back against the wall, "The words were _true_! I love you! I am _in_ love with you, Gai!" He keeps pulling me forward, slamming be back. Attempting to get his point across, no doubt. But the words refuse to sink in. My brain refuses to accept them as real. And as my head slams against the wall for the umpteenth time, my vision starts to go dark at the edges. 

I push him off, my rival, my friend, my love. I push him away from me, accidentally slamming his body into the opposite wall. Tears streak my face, but I disregard them. Angry, I bring my face close to his, hissing, "Don't make fun of me, Kakashi. Don't you ever make fun of my feelings!" I turn away from him, "Leave," I cannot handle this, I cannot handle a pity-confession. 

A what? Confession? Did he just – 

A hand returns to my shoulder, turning my body back to face him. My vision is blurred from tears, but it is impossible not to see. There is no mask. No mask covering Kakashi's lips as they inch closer. No mask between us as he presses his lips against mine. No mask. His lips. On mine. My world goes black. 

XXX 

"You know, I've heard I'm a good kisser before, but I've never actually had someone passing out on me…" 

I hesitantly open my eyes. Kakashi is sitting on the edge of my bed, while I lay on my back. The mask has returned on his face, his _concerned_ face. I blink. Did that really just happen? I was feeling ill, wasn't I? Maybe it was all a fever-induced hallucination. Maybe this still is. After all, he just said he kissed me right? Which is was what happened in my hallucination. So this is still a hallucination. Has to be. Kakashi would never kiss me. Would never tell me he's in love with me. So… I was ill yesterday too? Maybe I should go to the hospital. Or maybe I am already there and this is all part of the hallucination. Although, if I actually was in the hospital, I am certain that I would be given painkillers against this splitting headache. Gingerly, I bring my fingers to the back of my head, "There's a bump…" 

I didn't realize the words had come out until Kakashi chuckles, "There's a dent in your wall too. I'm sorry Gai… I didn't mean to hurt you. I just…" He sighs, "I was nervous, and you didn't even react and I… I guess I went a little caveman on you… I'm sorry." 

"It's okay…" My voice is hoarse and it will not rise above a whisper, "I can be a little dense sometimes…" 

"Yeah… I love that about you too." 

I blink, but can't think of anything even remotely intelligent to say, so I say nothing. I only watch as the man at my bedside cocks his head, "You know… It's a little unfair to just lay there and say nothing, Gai. Here I am, baring my soul and you're just… _Laying_ there…" 

I swallow, "But this isn't even real, Kakashi. It can't be." 

"Why not? Because I'd never tell you that I love you? Yeah," He chuckles humorlessly, "I've been thinking the same thing for years now," He leans over, his face only inches away, "You told me not to make fun of your feelings, Gai. What feelings are those?" 

I cannot speak. My voice should really stop playing hide and seek because this is important and if I cannot speak, how will I ever show him my heart? _Should_ I even show him my heart? What if it's only fleeting feelings after all? What if he is sure now, but changes his mind the second he hears how I have loved this man for too many years? This really isn't like me. Maito Gai does _not_ hesitate! But Maito Gai still can't speak. That's a minor setback. Maybe a little more than just minor. No scratch that, it's a _big problem_. A huge one. I'm in trouble if I don't find a way to speak soon! 

I let out a frustrated sigh, and he moves back. A look of hurt on his face. This cannot be happening. I cannot seriously be driving the love of my life away mere minutes after hearing that he loves me too. Impossible. 

"Kakashi…" It is a mere breath, but at least it is _something,_ right? And he leans back in, an attempt to catch any further words that might fall off my lips, I'm sure. But there are no more words, I cannot speak. Although this time it is not that I cannot find my voice but the fact that my throat has closed up as a result of the tears that are once again stinging my eyes. His eye crinkles, and he cocks his head. 

"You've always been such a crybaby, Gai… It's kinda… _Cute_." 

I blink. Did Kakashi just call me 'cute'? That is not… Alright, if it is _Kakashi_ I might not mind. Just a little. Kind of a big little. No. This isn't really acceptable. I clear my throat, swallowing around the lump in my throat, "…" 

"What?" There is a chuckle in his voice, and he leans even closer. I try again. 

"Ng…" 

"Uh… Gai? You okay there?" 

"Zskng" 

"Gai?" He is worried once more, his face even closer than before. A hair's breath away to be exact. I decide words are not going to help me. Not anymore. Not when all that will come out are useless noises that cannot even be considered to _resemble_ words. So I lift my head just a little, closing the gap between us. 

The mask feels soft against my lips. Slightly moist. It feels a little… _Weird._ Under the fabric, I can feel Kakashi's lips moving against my own. This feels really strange. I blink. Too strange. I retreat. 

Kakashi sits back up, looking dazed, "Okay, well, eh, that… Eh… Was unexpected…" 

I chuckle, pushing myself to sit up as well. The pain in my head had died down to a dull throbbing before, but now snaps back with a vengeance, a pained moan escapes my lips and I sink back into the pillow. 

"Gai?" He leans over again, I watch him swallow, "Please tell me that was pain…" 

Confused, I frown, "You _want_ me to be in pain…?" 

"Well… _No_. But… It's either that, or you're repulsed. And…" He swallows again, nervously studying my face. It's funny, so I chuckle. Wincing as the pain in my head increases once more. 

"Kakashi," I whisper, trying to ease my pounding brain back to something bearable, "Grab the aspirin, will you?" 

He sighs, clearly relieved, "So… It's the pain?" 

I chuckle again, mentally kicking myself as the subsiding pain flares up again, "Pain. Not repulsion. But if you don't get the aspirin really quick it might just turn into something else…" I wink – _really?_ Did I just _say_ that? _Do_ that? Did I just try to _flirt_? I realize I should've probably practiced this a little before trying it out on Kakashi. It sure as hell did not come out right. 

But he chuckles, getting off the bed, "It's still in the bathroom, right?" 

I start to nod, but quickly stop, "Yes." 

I wait a little while, hearing this man that is so special to me rummage around in my bathroom. Most likely examining everything in my medicine cabinet. It is a Kakashi thing to do. I smile fondly. Even though the pain in my head is close to excruciating, I cannot for the life of me be annoyed when Kakashi makes me wait because he is being _Kakashi_. I _love_ this man. Though I am quickly forming the conclusion that I will not attempt to kiss him through the mask again. It is not _repulsing_ as he feared, though it _is_ pretty damn close. As far as I am concerned at least. The slightly damp, soft fabric that tickles my lips, the outer worldly sensation of feeling his lips move underneath that, I must admit that it is a little too bizarre for me. I know the mask is a large part of who he is, all but glued to his face in a manner that would have most believe he _never_ takes it off. To be fair, he hardly ever does. It has taken me years before I managed to coax that mask down through challenging him to an eating contest –which I lost. 

He _did_ just take it off, though. Willingly. Without any pressure from me or anyone else. Though maybe he believes that one of his old teammates pressured him into it. If I had to guess, I would think it would have been Obito. In Kakashi's mind at least. I may very well be the only one who realizes that for him, these people are still here. Still available for conversations. At every hour of every day. I must admit, it sounds nice. 

My rival is leaving the bathroom, heading into my kitchen. Presumably, he will soon return with a glass of water and the aspirin. And when he does, I better have an answer for him. Why am I laying here thinking about how amazing his lips felt when they were pressed up against mine for that brief second before I lost consciousness? I should be organizing my thoughts. I should be deciding what to tell the man. That I love him? That I'm honored he feels that way about me? That I'm scared? Don't be stupid! I could never say that! I could never tell him how scared I am! I am Maito Gai! I am the Green Beast of the Leaf! I am… Terrified. 

"Gai, here…" He sits back down on the bed, setting the glass aside on my bedside table for the moment. Gentle hands take hold of my shoulders, helping me up. It is not like this situation has never occurred before, but somehow, this feels so different from all the other times. One hand supports my back as he helps me up further. Instinctively, I shift on the bed, resting my back against the headboard, creating more space between us. I wish I had suppressed that instinct. Though Kakashi does not seem to notice anything wrong. I briefly close my eyes, my battered head aching for his gentle hands to return. My skin itching to feel his touch. 

Meantime, Kakashi busies himself with opening the bottle of aspirin. Wait… He brought the _whole bottle_?! How much pain does he think I am in? He doesn't look up. His hands trembling a little as he reaches for the glass. Without thinking, I reach out. Grabbing his wrist, I try to silently convince the man to look up. We have been so close for so long, I know he knows what I want from him in this moment. 

The silver-haired man sitting on the edge of my bed shrugs, it looks a little uncomfortable. His arm in my grasp trembles almost violently, the bottle of aspirin rattles, alerting me to the fact that his other hand is shaking as well. He shrugs again, rather abruptly. I hold fast, my gaze settled on the side of his face. Finally, he looks up. The fear in his visible eye almost cripples me, almost rips my heart apart. My voice is soft, considerably lower than when he said the same words to me. But that is not of importance, he hears me, I know he does. 

"I am in love with you, Kakashi."

XXX 

_**A/N:**_ _Now will you guys please stop hating me…?_


	7. I've never felt this way

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter seven: I've never felt this way_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Okay, so now they've said 'I love you' to each other, yay! So… I figure it's about time for a little more torture ;) Here's Kakashi's diary for your enjoyment. Hope you'll like this chappy even though I might be prolonging your pain *wicked grin* 

As always, a _**HUGE**_ thank you for Mswan0117 for doing Beta on this, selfish reasons and all ;) 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe** _ **that**_ **is actually** _ **hers**_ **… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_Gai is in love with me. He said it himself. He said it. That he's in love with me. Am I dreaming?  
I probably am, right? Right. But he said it, and he said it calmly. He captured my arm and then he said it. That he's in love with me. I feel like I'm trapped in one of Kurenai's genjutsu. The ones she gives you when you haven't slept in god knows how long and she wants to help you relax. Only Kurenai would never create a genjutsu in which Gai says he loves me. So this isn't a genjutsu. And it isn't a dream. And I sure as hell hope it isn't a hallucination again. But I don't think so. I've been keeping up my fluids this time around, even though I felt like crap. So… This is… Real? It is, right? Right. It's real. He said he's in love with me. And I told him that I'm in love with him. And now it's on to happily ever after, right? Nah, probably not. Still… It's a good start, wouldn't you say, Diary?  
_

_I had to leave shortly after that, though. I think… No, I'm pretty sure I've given him a concussion. Flowers would have probably been nicer. But maybe a concussion represents our relationship better. I don't know. What do you think, Diary? If I'm completely honest with you – and I can be, can't I ?– I have to admit that it's actually a little funny to me. I went all caveman on the guy! I literally slammed him back against the wall over and over and gave him a freaking concussion! Very romantic, don't you think? Haha, probably not. But he still said he loves me…  
_

_He needs time to rest now. I so wish I could be there, but he doesn't want me to. So… We kind of agreed to go on a date together once he's feeling better. Can you believe it? A date! I don't think I've ever felt so giddy about a date before. Not even my very first one. Although… That was just Rin. A practice date, because neither of us had ever done anything like that before. I told you all about that, didn't I, Diary? I won't keep repeating myself, I know it bores you.  
_

_But this… A date with Gai! First date… Gosh, I feel like a little schoolgirl! What do I wear, do I bring him something? Where to take him? Or is he taking me somewhere? I have no idea, to be honest. I mean, usually the guy decides, right? Right. But… We're both 'the guy'. So who's taking whom on a date anyway? Does it really matter, though? I mean… It's Gai, for God's sake! Gai. Maito Gai. I love him so much…  
_

_K._


	8. I can't wait to see that boy again

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter eight: I can't wait to see that boy again_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ And back to Gai! Yay! 

_**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**My head hurts, so I will keep this short. Even though I almost wish I could write all my thoughts down. Kami knows I could use the help in organizing them. But I have a concussion. It's actually pretty bad. Kakashi gave it to me. I think I might have preferred flowers…  
**

**He came here, the day after he yelled his confession. I thought I was having a fever induced hallucination. It seems I was wrong. I'm happy about that. I think. If only my head didn't hurt so bad. It would probably be easier to think.  
**

**I think I may have been a little mean when I asked him to leave. But his presence made my heart race and my blood pressure shoot up. It didn't help my head much. I will see him soon, though. Not too soon. I want to be able to think before I see him again. I do not want to carelessly hurt this man again. So there will be a date. A first date. My very first date. I am nervous.  
**

**Should I plan this? Should he? Surely he has more experience. And I am curious to see what he would come up with. Yet at the same time, is this not the chance to show him how much I love him? What would he like to do? No, there is no way I am taking him to see that movie. He has seen it** **plenty of time** **s already. And I do not wish to ever see it. Dinner? Mask. Drinks? Mask. Training? He will hate me for the rest of my life. I would deserve it.  
**

**Right now, my head hurts too much. I will think on it later. It is time I say goodnight and go to sleep. Undoubtedly my dreams will be plagued by his presence. I cannot wait.  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M.**


	9. Diary, tell me what to do

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter nine: Diary, tell me what to do_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Let's get this show on the road, shall we? Or maybe it's a date, I dunno ;) 

Thank you so much Mswan for your amazing and slightly (did I say slightly, I meant _very_ ) perverted Beta eyes ;) I love you though! You make me smile. Just like reviews, they make me smile a lot too! 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe** _ **that**_ **is actually** _ **hers**_ **… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_I have made a bold decision. I sent Bisuke over to Gai with a little note, telling him to be ready to go by noon. I'm a pompous ass, aren't I Diary? But let me explain: Last night, when I was laying in my bed, I realized something. As far as I know, this is Gai's first date ever. And I intend to make it memorable for him. He wrote me back, 'Do not be late this time'. Sounds a little… Curt. But I have to admit the guy's got a point.  
_

_I've got a plan, though… I hope. Do you think it's good enough, Diary? It better be. I've got no time left to make it better. So now there's only one question left: What am I going to wear? Uniform? Civilians? A funky combination of the two? Neh, I think… Let's not shock the guy and give him a heart attack on top of his concussion, right? Right.  
_

_I have to hurry now, it's almost eleven and I still have to shower, change and pick up some supplies. I'm not going to be late this time. Hopefully…  
_

_K.  
_

XXX

I quickly close the book, carefully placing it back in the drawer before hurrying to my bathroom. For some weird reason it reminds me of Gai's. _My_ medicine cabinet is a lot smaller, and not nearly as well stocked. That guy must own every herbal remedy known to man and then some. And aspirin. For some reason that didn't really seem to fit in, and it made me curious. But honestly, almost everything makes me curious. It's just that usually, I already know what I'm going to get for my trouble so it's boring. Gai isn't boring. Never. 

I realize I'm getting lost in thought again, quickly shaking my head to clear it up. I turn on the shower before stripping down. Pants, undershirt, leg wraps, boxers. Then I step into the shower. The water is hot, relaxing my tense muscles for a moment. I take a deep breath. No more thinking about Gai until after I've left my apartment, that's the deal from here on out. Reaching for the shampoo, I quickly apply it before rinsing out my hair again. Soap is next, I thoroughly clean my entire body. Not that I think we're going to be getting _that_ personal anytime soon, but it's always better to be sure, right? Right. After the soap, I reach for my conditioner. Without that, my hair would just go wild, standing out in all angles. Not that it doesn't already, but it would be so much worse. Like, I would scare little children. As always when I'm putting conditioner in my hair, I wonder why my parents felt the need to name me 'Kakashi' _. Scarecrow._ My head sure looks like one. Were they just being mean and playing a practical joke or something? I'll never know. Ever since I was about twelve years old, I've been asking them about it. Needless to say the memorial stone won't answer me. I sigh quietly. The only person that ever truly answers me is Gai. Gai… Another sigh escapes me. A wistful one, maybe even a lust filled one. I try not to think about that too much. It'll happen when it happens even if that's never. In the meantime, I'm getting ready for my first date with the man. The man. Sounds a little weird, but not _bad_ weird. Just… _New_. Gai… He's gorgeous. Strong, broad shoulders. Soft, warm eyes. Bushy eyebrows that always make me smile when he wiggles them around. I know he knows that amuses me. I know he does it on purpose sometimes. I smile, feeling my heart warm up. Blinking, I realize other parts of my body are heating up as well. Not good. I wasn't supposed to think about him. Quickly turning off the hot water, I stand under the near-freezing stream for a minute or so before hurrying to make up for the lost time. Roughly toweling myself dry before wrapping another towel around my head. It's never a good idea to be rough with my hair. It'll stand out as if I've just been electrocuted. Not what I want to look like on my first date with – _No_. Don't think about him! Tsch, love-sick puppy! 

Walking over to my dresser, I quickly pick out my clothes. Decision made, I don't hesitate too much. It would take too much time to change plans now, anyway. After getting dressed as quick as I can, I carefully remove the towel from around my head. It's always a pain to get dressed before my hair dries, the towel is a huge obstruction. But I'm in a bit of a hurry today, so I'm dealing with it. Just for today, though. No way am I going through all this trouble for anyone else! 

My hair is still damp. Shrugging, I figure I have no choice, waiting for it to dry naturally would take too much time. So I gently towel it, hoping, _praying_ that it won't backfire. Oh please lord, not today. After the silver on top of my head is as dry as it's going to get, I sit down on my bed. Reaching in my nightstand to pick up my hairbrush. I have to be very careful with this part, but I'm also hurrying. The worst combination _possible_. I sigh softly as I get to work. I'll just have to hope and pray again. That's all I can do, really. 

XXX

As I open the door to my balcony, I glance at the clock. Damnit, I'm running late! This is bad. This is _so_ bad. I almost forget to lock the door behind me, realizing that I've _left my apartment._ I'm allowed to think about Gai again. But no, better not. I'm running awfully late. I resign myself to not thinking about him until I'm actually on my way over to his place. Jumping off the balcony, I make a run for the little corner diner across the street. Rushing in, I almost bump into the owner, managing to shift my direction just enough to slam into the counter instead. She just smiles at me, chuckling as she hands me the order I've placed right after sending out Bisuke. She's been extra nice to me; packaging the whole thing up in a wicker basket. I crinkle my eye at her, swiftly paying the bill before dashing back out again. 

Okay, I'm on my over to Gai now. I can think about him now. About how his muscles always seem to stretch that green atrocity that he calls 'clothing' just a bit too far, like it will tear. About how his teeth seem to light up when he smiles. About how – _Ouch!_

Rubbing my aching head, I glare at the wall that's not supposed to be this close to me. I sigh quietly. Thinking about Gai while hurrying to get to his apartment is bordering on dangerous, I don't even see where I'm going. And since Icha Icha isn't in my hands, even the people around me seem less friendly – no-one is stepping aside, no-one pointed out that I was about to run straight into a brick wall. Fine. No thinking about Gai until I'm on his doorstep. 

Deciding it will be faster if I choose the rooftops over the street, I jump up. The wicker basket is an awkward thing to carry as it obstructs my movements in a way I'm not used to. I'll just have to deal with it. Picking up the pace, I turn my sights on Gai's apartment complex. 

XXX

Doorstep reached. I can think about him now, right? Right. Better not though. Even these loose pants will start to look a little suspicious if I think about him anymore. I swallow, raising my hand to knock as a thought hits me. Should I have brought something? Flowers? Chocolates? Training gear? Deciding it's too late now to change anything about it, I raise my hand once more. In the distance, I can hear the Academy bells, signaling the start of their lunch break. Exactly twelve o'clock then. I swallow once more, connecting my hand to the wood. 

The door opens immediately, revealing… _Gai._ How the hell does this guy manage to always look _exactly_ the same? Here I am, spending way too much time on my hair, knowing it's still a mess, knowing that I'm probably flushed and sweating from running all the way here. That I've probably fucked up my hair even more while doing so. But Gai just looks like Gai. Freaking perfect. Except for the jumpsuit, that is. And the bright-orange leg warmers. And maybe the bowl-cut hair. Though I'm starting to think I might actually like that. And the jumpsuit _really_ shows off his amazing body. But the legwarmers are just ugly. 

I cock my head to the side, crinkling my eye in a greeting manner as I raise my free hand, "Yo!" 

"Kakashi!" He smiles wide, and the sun reflects off his teeth, all but blinding me. I blink, why does this guy have to look so _amazing_? Not fair. With a small wave of his hand, he invites me in. Unsure what else to do at this point, I accept the invitation. 

Gai closes the door the moment I've crossed the threshold, coming closer until I have no choice but to lean back against the wood. What the hell is he thinking? Is he angry with me? Am I late after all? Is he having second thoughts? 

He places his hands on either side of me, next to my shoulders. Coming closer still. I swallow. Now what? 

"Kakashi," He all but whispers, and I swallow again. Not so much from nerves this time, but because of what his voice is doing to me. He chuckles lightly, "Kakashi, I'm going to take that damned mask of your face now," I blink, but before I have a chance to reply, gentle fingers curl around the edge of the mask. This feels strange, and it's not a good kind of strange. _No-one_ has ever taken my mask off. I'm the _only_ one that's allowed to touch the thing. Panic rushes through my body and reflexively, my hand shoots up, grabbing a firm hold of Gai's wrist. 

I listen in horror as my lips move on their own, my voice coming out in a gruff, warning tone, " _Don't._ "  
Oh shit! No, no, _no!_ This is bad, this is really, _really_ bad! Why the hell did I have to go and do _that?!_ Oh god, I screwed up so bad! Gai, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! Please forgive me? I swear I never meant for this to happen! I'm so, _so_ incredibly sorry! 

He chuckles again, his face inching closer until his forehead rests against mine, "I didn't mean to scare you, Kakashi." 

I swallow hard. Am I that obvious? Probably. Did he really mean it? Most likely. Am I still holding on to his wrist? Absolutely. Aren't I hurting him? No doubt. I try to relax my hand, but it isn't exactly working. Pulling a face, I try again. Gai bursts out laughing. Well, there goes my one and only chance… 

"Are you trying to let go or trying to break my wrist? Because if you keep going you're probably going to succeed in the latter, Kakashi." 

Okay… That's got to be the worst thing I've ever done to him. Oh wait… I gave him a concussion last time, didn't I? Oh, _fuck_ … 

"Kakashi?" 

I swallow, suddenly realizing I haven't said anything to him other than 'Yo!' and 'Don't!' I really have to start working on my vocabulary here… "I'm sorry, Gai. Really, I didn't mean to hurt you or anything, I just…" I swallow again. Admitting weakness? Not my strong suit, "I freaked a little…" 

Warm eyes look into mine, seemingly peering into the depths of my soul, "I know," He smiles softly, "No way your hand is coming off now, is there Kakashi?" 

I squeeze my eye shut in shame, shaking my head. But Gai chuckles, using his other hand to pry his wrist out of my death grip. I can feel him take a small step back. Opening my eye, I watch as the man before me attempts to massage some life back into his mangled wrist. I frown as I notice the onset of bruising, "I'm _so_ sorry…" 

"It's fine, Kakashi. That was a stupid miscalculation on my part," Gai smiles at me. How the hell can he be _smiling_ at me? I just damn near broke his wrist! I slammed his head into the wall so hard he had to give himself _bed rest._ I'm horrible, right? Right. 

"I shouldn't have…" 

Chuckling, Gai shakes his head a little, "Instincts, Kakashi. I disregarded your instincts. I got what I deserve. Probably less," He winks at me, and I can feel myself go weak in the knees, "But I still want that mask gone." 

What the –? I don't understand _any_ of this! "Why…?" 

Gai chuckles again, "Because kissing you is much more fun without it." 

Okay. I'm seriously going to need a moment here. That's just… I'm gonna need a moment. Did he _really_ just say… He did, didn't he? A chuckle wells up in my throat. Gai _really_ just said he wants to _kiss me!_ Leaning down a little, I set the basket down on the floor. Straightening my back, I swallow one more time, bringing both hands up to my face. I take hold of the edges of the mask, my eye trained on Gai's face. He's so gorgeous, isn't he? So amazingly – wait, the mask. Right. Bending my head down a little, I lift the edges of the mask. My head comes back up as my hands pull down, automatically folding the fabric under my chin. For some reason, I always shake my head a little when I take the mask down. I suppose it looks a little like when girls pull the band out of their ponytails. My hands almost mechanically follow the edge of my undershirt, folding the entire thing so it won't creep up. Essentially creating a turtleneck. My gaze searches for Gai's again, and I can feel my teeth sinking into my bottom lip as my nerves soar. 

"That is a _lot_ better," He moves forward again, and this time I don't pull back. I know what he's going for, know he's not angry or backing away. Quite the opposite, in fact. Soft lips meet my own, barely grazing past. I smile, if no-one's _ever_ seen Gai express even the _slightest_ interest in the opposite sex – or the same one, apparently – wouldn't that logically mean that…? I almost chuckle. It certainly does. As he starts to pull back, I quickly wrap my arms around him, fingers running through dark locks. Pressing my lips securely against his, I part my own, letting my tongue slip out just far enough to tease his bottom lip. The rest, I will leave up to Gai. I'll not pressure him, I'll not force him into anything. He's startled, I can tell. Almost pulling back, but pushing back instantly. Hands traveling to my shoulders, ghosting over my body until they cup my face. But his lips remain together. I suppress another chuckle. This is just _too_ cute, _too_ precious. 

We stand there for a while, as I place soft kisses on Gai's lips. Quickly retreating some times, lingering others. It really is _so_ adorable how he never quite seems to be able to keep up with me. It almost distracts me from the biggest, most amazing experience in my life: I'm kissing him. Seriously. _I am kissing Maito Gai!_ The thought alone is enough to make my head spin. And it does; I'm getting dizzy. Though, on the other hand, that _could_ just be because I can't for the life of me remember the last time I took a breath. Kinda bad. Kinda… _Pressing_ by now. So I pull back a little, watching this man, the man that I love, as I try to catch my breath. 

Gai is swaying lightly on his feet, his hands still on my face as he seems to hold on for dear life. Which would be funny, if it didn't hurt. But then again, I've hurt him a _lot_ worse, right? Right. So I wait semi-patiently for him to release me again. Seems like that's gonna take a while. I can't suppress my chuckle _any_ longer. 

His eyes finally open, surprise and embarrassment and fear fighting for the front row in those dark orbs. I smile at him, trying to comfort him a little, "You're right, _much_ more fun without the mask." 

He smiles a little self-consciously, seemingly just now remembering his hands are still on my cheeks. He lets go now, almost as if I've burned him. Gasping, Gai stumbles back a few paces. I am instantly worried, reaching out to take the hand that's – for _some_ reason – pointing at me, while the other covers the man's lips, "Gai, what's wrong?" 

He turns his hand a little, grabbing mine back as he pulls me deeper inside the apartment. I haven't had the time to take off my shoes, which means I am now embarrassed. Walking around in someone else's apartment with my shoes on is not exactly proper manners. Not that I _have_ proper manners, but still. This is kinda bad. Gai doesn't even seem to notice though, dragging me into his bathroom. I can't help but wonder what he's thinking. Was that kiss so amazing he wants to share a bath? That could get a little… Awkward… But Gai still doesn't speak, grabbing my shoulders he turns my body. Facing the mirror, I yelp. To be fair, I _always_ do that. I wear the mask for a bloody _reason_ , folks. Don't go around shoving mirrors in my face when the mask is down. Preferably not when it's on my face either. I just don't like it. Clear and simple. But he doesn't seem to be startled by my girly little yelp, which would _probably_ be due to the interesting pattern of surfacing bruises on my cheeks. I pull a face, cocking my head to get a better view, "You've got pretty big hands, you know that?" I ask him casually. _Gai_ might be startled by something so silly, I'm not. 

"I am _so_ sorry, Kakashi! I will walk on my hands for twenty miles to –" 

"Meh, don't worry about it. I've had worse…" Turning my face, I check the other cheek, "Besides, I _did_ worse. To you. This is actually quite artistic," I watch as Gai's reflection blinks. Turning back around, I lean my ass against the sink. Cocking my head, I smile at him. Gai is the only person I ever smile at, and usually not even very often. But I seem to be doing it a lot today. I think I like it. I also kind of like the fact that I can smile at him and still see him at the same time. The little eye crinkle that people always seem to go a little gaga over has absolutely nothing to do with smiling. It actually started when I was annoyed and didn't want to look at people, but didn't want to make them angry either. I did it once, it worked. I did it twice, they said I had such an expressive smile. I did it thrice, and the girl before me fainted. So I kept it up. But _this_ …. This is a _real_ smile. One that affects every part of my face, every tiny little muscle, I can feel them. All those muscles are probably going to hurt like hell in the morning, because I don't do this very often, but Gai seems to appreciate it. Which is nice. Really, really nice. 

Without thinking, I lean over, brushing my lips against his. Instinctively stepping forward, I wrap my arms around him once more, almost chuckling as I realize something: I've never actually kissed someone with a body broader than my own before. Well, except for that _one_ chick, but she was a mistake anyway. Don't fuck with an Akimichi. Not _that_ kind of fuck! Although I honestly can't say that sounds very appealing… Just… 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' doesn't even _begin_ to describe an angry Akimichi. I honestly couldn't walk for two whole weeks. 

My right hand is up in his hair again, left hand hesitating somewhere around the base of his spine. Go lower? Or go up? Do I dare? I decide I don't, resting my hand on the small of Gai's back. Even though _that_ part of him is rather wide as well. Why did I never before notice exactly _how_ big this guy _is_ compared to me? 

I simply cannot resist the temptation to run my tongue over his lower lip again, feeling slightly disappointed as I _still_ don't get the desired effect. I won't pressure him, though. Pretty sure he's never kissed anyone before and who am I to force my tongue down some virgin's throat? But I _do_ press my own body up against his. It's just… _Too_ enticing, really. Gai is right here, and for the first time ever, I can actually _touch_ the guy. Touch him without feeling a pang of guilt, touch him without feeling a little ashamed of what I'm doing. The throbbing between my legs has returned, and I hope to god that Gai won't notice. But then again, this is _Gai_ – He didn't notice all my attempts to shuffle a little closer as he threw his arm around me for all these years either. Probably. Hopefully. Oh, who am I kidding? This is _Gai_ , of course he noticed… 

So I pull back. Cheeks burning as I try to find a stance that will conceal my body's response somewhat. I lean back against the sink, cross my legs. That seems to make it worse. Okay… I spread my legs out a little. Isn't that even worse though? I can't tell. Gai seems to be a little awkward as well. Did I do something wrong? Did I push him too much after all? I study his face, but I can't find the signs I'm looking for. This is bad, right? Right. I clear my throat, trying to get rid of the lump in it. But Gai almost jumps, staring at me. I have to say something now, right? Right. Say something… Anything... Come _on_! 

"Eh… Gai… I, eh…" I swallow, this isn't going so well, now is it? I take a deep breath, "Not that I'm not really enjoying this, because I _am_ ," I smile at him, feeling relieved that he seems to relax a little, "But I kind of had… Plans," I end a little weakly, not sure if I even still care about those. 

"Yes," Gai takes a deep breath, puffing up his chest a little. I find myself staring, so lost in the sight that I almost don't catch his next words, "Our date. What did you have planned, my ri – Kakashi?" 

I chuckle, "I'm still your rival, Gai – I _will_ beat you," I wink at him. He probably won't see because it's only another eye crinkle, but – _wait a second!_ He _saw_ it! Gai friggin' _noticed!_ Awesome. He's so awesome. He's – right, we were talking here, "I thought I'd take you out to the forest with me, enjoy a little fresh air…" I try to sound nonchalant, but I'm not sure if I'm pulling it off. Actually, the reason why I came up with _this_ idea is a little selfish. Oh, _sure_ , I'm pretty certain he's going to like it. Or I hope so, at least. But mostly… I just don't want to be in the village right now. I want to be away from prying eyes. Honestly, I should count my lucky stars that I didn't run into anyone on my way over here. I'm sure they're all making fun of me right now. Not something I want to be thinking about. Think about Gai, think about how amazing he is – _Oops_ , no… _Don't_ think about Gai. Ignore how tight your pants feel, ignore how tight your pants feel, ignore – 

"A little fresh air it is!" Gai suddenly booms, interrupting my slightly OCD-ish thoughts. His voice suddenly drops, though. His tone soft as he gently cups my face, "And no-one else around… You really are a genius, Kakashi." 

I blink, blushing fiercely as I rub the back of my head, "Meh… It's not all it's cracked up to be…" 

He chuckles, pulling my face a little closer. I can feel his lips brush over mine again, his breath tickling me as he whispers, "Let's go then, Kakashi." 

My knees are trembling, and as he lets go, I grab hold of the sink behind me. I swallow, but then decide I might as well be honest, maybe it'll sound like a flirt or something. That would be nice, but either way, there's just _no_ way I'm walking right now, "In a minute, Gai. You pretty much just turned my legs to jelly…" 

He's beaming at me, his teeth blinding me as he grins, "I can wait for _that_." 

Yay… Glad _he's_ happy about it, I find it _freaky_. This has never happened to me before and I can't help but wonder if that's because I never really _cared_ before, or if it's just because I've been in love with him for so long it's worn me down. Has to be the latter, right? Right. Although… Probably not. I never _did_ care very much, that's why none of my relationships have ever lasted over a week. And why I turned to Icha Icha. To get my mind off _Gai_. But I'm _here_. In his _bathroom._ And we just _kissed._ And I'm taking him on a _date_. I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to stand again. 

Okay, _maybe_ that was a little exaggerated. I think… Maybe I can stand on my legs again. I gingerly try it out. Seems to be working. Okay. Good. Now what? The date, right. The basket's still by the door. Where my shoes should be. But those are on my feet. I feel another blush creep up and I tug at the mask in an attempt to cover it, but Gai's hands on mine still the motion. I have no idea what he's thinking, the guy's looking at me so darned seriously that I can't remember how to breath. What did I do? Is it the mask? Is he going to expect me to keep it down all the time now? Is he angry with me for wanting to pull it up? 

"Kakashi," His tone is soft again, soft and warm. My legs tremble once more, "I am happy that you are here. I am happy that we have a date. I…" He sighs softly, "Will you please stop being so _nervous_ all the time?!"


	10. Tell me what to say

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter ten: Please tell me what to say_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ And the date is on!

Thank you Mswan0117 for your Beta! You're awesomely, incredibly, fabulously, amazingly fantastic!  
 **(So true! Lol! Thank you!)**  
Hihi, I thought I'd keep that one in there for everyone's enjoyment. That was my happy Beta's cutesy little note xD 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**The decision has been taken out of my hands. Just now, I found one of Kakashi's ninken on my balcony. He was carrying a note: 'Gai, be ready to go at noon. I'll come pick you up. Kakashi.' I found it rather… Clipped. But I must admit I am a little relieved nonetheless. I replied in the same manner, of course. If he would rather play this aloof, I will not pressure him into something more.  
**

**I will go and take a shower now, my best jumpsuit is already laid out on the bed. I will be ready to go by noon.  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M.**

XXX

I follow Kakashi out of my apartment, only now realizing that he still had his shoes on. Apparently, he's self-conscious about it, but it doesn't bother me. I want to tell him that, but I do not want to make him feel worse by pointing it out in the first place, so I just follow him quietly. He's brought a wicker basket along, and I wonder what's in it. But I do not dare ask. Kakashi seems to have regained most of his confidence, and I do not want to do anything to mess that up again. We walk quickly, choosing the most quiet route. Neither of us really leads the way, it is simply something we've silently agreed upon. Neither of us wants to run in to anyone right now. I am certain that Kakashi feels even more strongly about this than I do, but I have to admit that even I am anxious about running into any of our so-called 'comrades'. The words they spoke in that bar, after Kakashi'd left are forever burned into my heart. One more remark like that, and I might just… _Hit_ someone. But we do not encounter anyone and as we slip through one of the side gates and cross the training fields Kakashi finally breaks the silence between us. 

"I'm sorry about that, Gai. But I just… Can't deal with them right now…" 

He doesn't look at me, instead keeping his gaze at the ground a few feet before him. I honestly cannot blame him, "I understand, Kakashi. The same goes for me." 

"Oh?" Surprised, he looks up. But then his shoulders slump slightly, "Do I want to know what they said about me?" 

I pull a face, "Better not. Not now at least," We've entered the forest now, walking under the majestic trees that I love so much. I cannot resist; It's not like there is anyone around anyway. So I reach out and take his hand. He seems a little startled at first, looking down at our joined hands. But then he looks up, and he smiles at me. I can tell, I've been able to tell since forever. The mask shifts ever so slightly, and a few little wrinkles appear in the corner of his eye. His eye, that remains open as he truly smiles. I like this much more than the fake eye crinkle everyone else seems to fall for and I am sure that he knows this. I smile back, moving so we walk a little closer to each other as I speak in a soft tone, "Now, I want to only think about you. Talk about you." 

He smiles again, his hand gripping mine a little tighter, "And you. I want to also talk about you," His gentle voice sends shivers down my spine, and I am moved to tears. But I bite them back, I don't want to cry now because that would mean I would not be able to look at this man properly. And I want to see him. This man that I have loved for so long. I want to see every part of him. 

"But there is one more thing we kind of _should_ talk about, Gai…" 

I gulp. What does he have in mind? Is he about to ask me to deepen the relationship before he gets bored? This _is_ Kakashi Hatake after all, the serial dater slash pervert of Konoha… 

"Where are we going exactly?" 

See? He is getting bored with my prudishness already. I should have parted my lips after all. I _did_ realize that was what he was asking of me, the second time at least. I just did not feel ready for that yet. But apparently that was a mistake. I should explain myself. But will that do me any good? If I tell him that he was my first kiss, isn't he going to laugh at me? Isn't he going to think that I am wasting his time? That I will not satisfy his… _Needs_? 

"You see… I kind of was too nervous to eat so I basically skipped breakfast so now I'm kind of… Getting hungry?" 

He throws me an embarrassed look, and I cannot help the relieved sigh that escapes me. Kakashi was talking about _lunch.  
_

"Gai?" He sounds a little insecure, his hold on my hand lessening just a little, "I'm sorry, I know you said I shouldn't be so nervous but to be fair… I mean, that was _after_ I skipped breakfast, right? So… _Technically_ … This shouldn't count, right?" 

I chuckle, he is cute like this, "I am getting hungry myself," Smiling at him, I nod at the wicker basket that Kakashi is still carrying with him, "I take it that's lunch?" 

His head cocks to the side and he smiles at me, his hold on my hand tightening a little again, "Picnic." 

I cannot help but grin, it just…"Sounds perfect." 

His shoulders relax a little, and he smiles again, "So… Where are we going?" 

I think on it for a moment. We will want to find a secluded spot, somewhere we can be certain there are no onlookers, no people passing by. Not only because we want to be alone, also because of… Well, his mask. His _face._ And the bruises I left on said face… I shake my head to rid myself of this feeling of guilt. Kakashi does not seem to mind, and so I shouldn't mind either. Suddenly, my memory presents me with the perfect spot. I smile. Yes, that spot would definitely be absolutely _perfect_. 

I tug at Kakashi's hand, pulling him off the path. He follows my lead without question and for a brief moment, I feel like I am soaring. This man… I love him so much, and he said that he is in love with me as well. And now we are on our first date together, and he trusts me enough to follow me without any of his usual banter, the slightly skeptical look that often appears in his eye. It makes me happy. 

Increasing my pace, I pull Kakashi along; I am hungry too. And curious to see what is inside that basket he is carrying. And… I just want to sit with this man, talk with him. Hopefully kiss him again because that felt _amazing._

XXX

"Gai… This place is perfect…" 

It is a mere breath, my astounded rival does not seem to be able to manage more, I grin. It feels a little like winning a challenge, only this is even better, "Thank you. I thought you would like this." 

Kakashi only nods, looking around the little clearing. I follow his gaze, admiring the fresh green grass, dotted with little flowers in all kinds of colors. The trees around are high and wide; old trees. They shield this little piece of paradise together with the thick shrubbery underneath. The only side of the clearing not surrounded by trees is where a small, bright creek flows. The sun is shining bright, high up in the sky. Which means that even the high trees do not manage to shroud the clearing in shadows. It is indeed perfect. I should know, I've spent many hours here over the years, thinking about the man now standing beside me. I speak quietly, not wanting to disturb the peace that always lingers here, "I found this place many years ago. I've never before showed it to anyone else, and I am quite certain that you and I are the only ones who have ever even seen it." 

Kakashi nods, his tone equally soft, "It's far out of the way, hard to get to… Romantic," He turns to me, a tear in his eye, "I love you, Gai." 

I blink against my own tears, my voice strained but still quiet, "I love you too, Kakashi. I have been in love with you for years…" I swallow, did I say to much? I did not intend for the words to come out at all, but they did so anyway. And now I'm left to wait for his response. Seconds seem like hours, and an invisible hands wraps around my throat. Kakashi places the basket on the grass before gently untangling his hand from mine. Is he going to run away now? Is he going to leave? Did I pressure him too much? I try to speak, to – _somehow_ – take back the words I spoke, but find I can't. 

I watch as lean, long and pale fingers curl around the edge of a dark-blue mask. As his head dips ever so slightly before coming up again. As skilled, dexterous fingers pull the mask down, folding it neatly around his neck, revealing bruised cheeks. I swallow. I did that to him. I hurt him. Kakashi shakes his head a little, and I think it looks totally adorable. I see him swallow, taking a step closer to me until our bodies are all but touching. Leaning over, his breath ghosts over my skin as he whispers in my ear. 

"I have loved you for too many years, Gai. Too many years of not being able to be close to you. Too many years of feeling that I couldn't tell you how I feel. I love you, Maito Gai. I can't live without you." 

Reflexively, I wrap my arms around him, pulling him even closer to my own body. He shifts a little in my arms, his arms coming around my own body, his head dipping down. I can feel how his nose gently pushes aside the collar on my flack vest before soft lips place light kisses on my neck. 

My mind simply cannot process what is happening right now. This might even be better than feeling his lips on mine. I can feel my knees trembling, can hear how a quiet moan escapes my throat. Kakashi's lips press down on my skin a little more, tongue flicking out every now and then. I know that I am swaying on my legs, that it is quite possible that the only thing keeping me up right now is Kakashi's embrace. But frankly, I don't care. I moan again, but this time my stomach joins in, its growl drowning out the soft moan. Kakashi chuckles lightly, lips retreating. I am slightly disappointed, but at the same time, I feel just a little relieved. His gentle ministrations felt amazing, but I am unsure how comfortable I would be if he were to continue – at what point should I return his attentions? And _how_? 

Kakashi moves back just a little, his hands still resting on the small of my back, as mine are on his. He smiles at me, the softest smile I ever saw, his tone matching his smile as he all but whispers. 

"You have a good point, my love." 

Releasing me, he turns. My arms fall down on their own. Did he _really_ just _say_ that? Did he actually call me 'my love'? But my ears are not deceiving me, of that much I am sure. Kakashi picks up the wicker basket, moving away from the tree line and towards the middle of the clearing. I hastily follow. Sitting on his knees, my rival, my friend, my _lover_ , pulls away the blanket covering the contents of the basket. I almost peek inside, but then decide not to let the surprise be ruined by my own curiosity. So I stand slightly to the side as Kakashi spreads the blanket on the grass. The red with white checker pattern makes for a beautiful contrast with the bright green grass. I watch as Kakashi takes off his sandals and flack vest before moving to sit on the blanket, throwing me a curious look. I almost chuckle, but I move quickly now. Taking of my own sandals and discarding my own flack vest, I sit down as Kakashi moves the wicker basket unto the blanket. 

"I think it's probably gotten cold by now…" He pulls a little face. 

"I do not mind," I swallow, "My love." 

His head shoots up, amusement clear on his face. But the unsettling expression is quickly replaced with another, a softer one. One that I could only _possibly_ describe as 'loving'. Kakashi smiles again, pulling the contents out of the wicker basket. He places the food in between us. Sushi, onigiri, sake steamed shrimps, yakitori bites, skewers of broiled shishito and so many other things. All little bite-sized delicious treats. He also unpacks a sealed pitcher of fuitpunch and a thermos which presumably holds tea. Lastly, Kakashi takes out two cups, asking me what I'd like to drink in that soft tone that I already love so much. I smile as I once again blink against the tears in my eyes. I will love him forever. 

XXX

I smile as his lips lazily pull the shrimp out of my fingers, placing a quick kiss before retreating again. Kakashi chuckles, completely relaxed as he lays on his side, one elbow supporting him, the other arm comfortably draped over his side. Our legs are tangled, my hand supporting my weight as I lean over him slightly. My other hand busies itself with picking out another bite for him, but finds itself interrupted by Kakashi's hand. Lifting his arm and intertwining his fingers with my own, he places our joined hands against his chest, chuckling once more. 

"I've had more than enough, Romeo…" 

I pout slightly, feeding him is more fun than I could have ever imagined. But he's got a point, I suddenly realize that most of the food is gone already – while there was probably enough for four people at the start of the meal. I feel a small tug on my hand, my eyes slightly questioning as I look down at Kakashi's amused expression. 

"Lips are made for more things than just food or forming words, you know…" 

He winks at me, and I chuckle as I get the poorly hidden hint in his words. Leaning down a little more, I brush my lips against his, chills running down my spine at how new and amazing this still feels. He gently untangles his hand, placing it on my back in an effort to pull me down. That's not exactly possible though. I love this man and I don't mind the injuries suffered over the course of the last few days, but dislocating my hip just to kiss him might be taking things a _bit_ too far. So I first disentangle my legs from his, swaying one leg over his body to straddle him before I allow Kakashi to pull be down further. My hand quickly moving from in between our bodies to rest on the other side of him. 

Kakashi rolls to his back, wrapping both arms around me and pulling me down until I lay on top of him, all the while placing gentle, lingering kisses on my lips. By now I am quite certain that I would very much like to deepen the kiss, to – for the first time in my life – feel how another's tongue – _Kakashi's_ tongue – slides against mine. But I am unsure how to go about doing that, so I do nothing. Waiting, _hoping_ for Kakashi to take the initiative one more time. But he doesn't. I realize he most likely does not want to pressure me anymore, realize that he must somehow know that he is in so many ways my first. Still, it is a little disappointing. 

Kakashi smiles against my lips, I can feel it. A light chuckle shakes his lean form. One hand wandering over my back, the other slowly ever so slowly trailing down. Ghosting over my bottom before moving back up again. I gasp – wasn't expecting _that_ – and by some miracle, I find my wish granted. His tongue, my mouth. Good god. 


	11. Every time you look at me

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter 11: Every time you look at me_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ If you've been keeping up with the format, you know it's time for the diary again. Kakashi's diary to be exact. 

But there is something else I want to talk about first. On the first chapter of this story, I said the following: " _Just in case anyone actually notices what I did here; The title of the story and the chapters is simply because I was in the mood for it ;) Also, it provided me with the inspiration needed to actually start this fic. I'm a little curious to see if anyone will even figure out what I'm talking about though…"  
_ Apparently, no-one's been able to figure it out, or maybe you just don't care… :/  
But I do! So, here's the deal with the story and chapter titles: They are all lines from songs that I used to listen to when I was younger. Well, honestly, my sister kind of forced me to listen to them by cranking her stereo up, but that's beside the point xD  
I unfortunately ran out of lines to use from the first song I'd selected (Dear Diary) at chapter 10. Honestly, I never expected this story to run so long – didn't expect it to be so popular either. But it's all good, it's not like I'm getting overworked here or something… Okay, maybe I am, a little. But it's still all peachy ;)  
I will take guesses on the singer who sung these songs, and also the next song that I will use for the chapters 11-20. Yes, this story will have at least 20 chapters. And you're all along for the ride. Enjoy! I will divulge the singer probably around chapter 18 or so, unless someone else guesses right! I'd love to hear your guesses – oh, BTW, I'm a '90's kid ;) Maybe that'll help ^.^ 

Thank you so much for your thorough Beta, Mswan! You're marvelous! 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_I have never been so embarrassed before in my life! Today was Gai's birthday, and as I was trying to come up with the best gift imaginable, I tried to ask him about it a couple days ago, remember? But he only wants another challenge. Well, needless to say I didn't let that stop me, and the order I placed came in just in time. This morning. I was so happy about it arriving in time! I wrapped it in silver and blue, and I must've rewrapped the damned thing about seven times in order to get it perfect – not like I'm used to wrapping gifts, right? Right.  
_

_But he barely paid any attention to it, Diary… I feel like a fool. Who gives a taijustsu specialist weaponry anyway… I'm just a big idiot, aren't I? And then he dragged me off to some restaurant, saying we were going to have an eating challenge. I couldn't refuse him, because I'd agreed to do any challenge he'd like… Damnit! If he wanted the chance to stare at the most horribly disfigured face in the world in peace and quiet, he could've just said so, right? Right. Because staring's what he did, Diary. All. The. Time. I want to die…  
_

_Seriously though, I could tell he was disgusted, and he hates me now and there's no way in hell I'm ever going to have a chance with him and I should just give up, right? Right. I'm giving up. I'll find myself a nice girl tomorrow, maybe this time it'll work out. I don't want to think about Gai anymore, it only hurts. I think… I got that sake for my birthday a couple months ago, right? I didn't touch it yet. Maybe I will tonight. I think I will. I can't deal with all these emotions, and I can't go talk to sensei about them, so… I will just drown them tonight, and tomorrow… Yet another fresh start. It'll have to do.  
_

_K._


	12. It's easy to see

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter 12: It's easy to see_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Back to the Diary, people! Back in time to Maito Gai's seventeenth birthday. A great gift can make for a sad day. And I am _so_ sorry that I apparently wasn't clear on the last chapter… They are both talking about the same day – Kakashi and Gai both wrote about it in their diary ^.^ 

A huge thanks goes to Mswan for being an awe-inspiring Beta and for being someone that I can always rely on. You don't even know how amazing you truly are ^.^ 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**Today I got my wish! One of them, at least.  
I saw his face. I saw Kakashi Hatake's face! I challenged him to an eating contest today – which he won. I am not disappointed. Not by the loss and not by the face. Oh my, the face…  
**

**He is gorgeous, he really is. Perfect in each and every way. I have waited years for this, but it was well worth the wait! Definitely worth the wait. Although to be completely honest I must admit:  
I played one hell of a guilt card to get this wish. My birthday wish, to see Kakashi's face. It has been on my mind for years, and I simply did not feel like I could wait any longer. So when he came up to me a couple days ago, asking me what I'd want for my birthday… I did not have to think long! I only took some time in order to mold my request into something… Acceptable. Because honestly, 'I want to see your face' would have been too obvious, now wouldn't it?  
**

**So I took some time to come up with the right wording, and eventually asked him to do another challenge with me. I asked him to be at our usual meeting place at five. Of course knowing that he would not show up before six. So I made reservations at a restaurant that I'd heard about. It was supposed to have good food, and privacy curtains. Figuring that my eternal rival might reject the challenge after all if it meant showing his face to everyone in the restaurant. And to be honest, that might have made me a little jealous as well. The deal was that he would be there at five, and that whatever challenge I would come up with, he would have to agree to. He did not seem too happy about that, but agreed nonetheless.  
**

**And so, we met at the bridge at five-fifty. And when he asked me what the challenge would be, I could barely hold back my grin. When I told him it was an eating contest, I could not hold back my grin. So I gave him the thumbs up, while Kakashi only sighed. He agreed though, as per my request. And he even gave me a gift before we departed to the restaurant. So thoughtful, so… Sweet. I cannot help myself, I love this man.  
**

**The package he gave me was wrapped in silver, with a blue ribbon. I will treasure both wrapping paper and ribbon forever. But when I opened it, I found something inside that I will treasure even more for even longer: Nunchaku. They are beautifully carved to resemble Chinese dragons. Kakashi informed me they are named Soshuga. I will treasure them always.  
**

**After that however, our latest hot-blooded contest of youth was on! I took him to the restaurant, amused at his apparent confusion that I had actually made reservations. He seemed to appreciate the privacy booth though. The look of him when we entered still brings a smile to my face. Although honestly, I cannot seem to stop smiling today no matter what I think about. My seventeenth birthday, and not only did my esteemed rival gift me the most wonderful youthful gift of nunchaku – he allowed me to see his face. His face! His FACE!  
**

**After sitting down and agreeing on the rules for this particular challenge, we informed the owners of the restaurant of our plans. They seemed slightly reluctant to help us, but neither Kakashi nor I have ever bothered much with other people's reluctance. I think by now Kakashi was getting excited about this challenge as well. Presumably not as excited as I was, but then again: I had an ulterior motive. When the first load of dishes was placed before us, I had to swallow hard. But then I reminded my dear rival of his mask, thinking he would pull the fabric down without a hitch. He did not. He simply stared at me, looking rather awkward. So I pointed out that he could not hope to beat me with his mouth covered up like that. He grudgingly agreed. Looking away from me as he pulled the mask down.  
**

**I must admit I stared. How could I not? Pulling the fabric down, my rival shook his head a little, and I almost fainted! I swear I did. He looked so… I am almost ashamed to write it down, but… Sexy. And then he looked back to me. And I could feel my entire body trembling. I could feel… Things. He is so beautiful. Not the kind of beauty that one would most often expect from a member of the male sex. Though he does not look female at all. He just looks… Perfect. Like a god. A god with a rather sheepish grin plastered on his face. That kind of detracted from the perfection… Still, he is absolutely gorgeous… I do not have words for it.  
**

**I lost the contest, as stated before. Though I must admit I believe that might be partly due to the fact that I was too distracted. I could not resist looking up to steal glances at Kakashi's perfection in between every bowl, sometimes even in between bites. I could just look at him for hours and hours on end. I believe I need nothing more…  
**

**After the contest had ended, the mask reappeared. And Kakashi – after a quick congratulation – disappeared. It is… A little disheartening. But I still love him. One day, I'll tell him. I just… Cannot do it now. Kakashi would surely laugh at me. He would surely be disgusted. I know he dates girls, and he dates a lot of them. I can only hope that he will be there during my final moments on this earth. I will tell him then, I swear I will not depart this life without telling him. I love him. I love Kakashi Hatake with all my heart.  
**

**Happy birthday to me, my seventeenth birthday. The best present I could ever hope for in my entire life was bestowed upon me today, and yet… I feel oddly sad. This feeling will pass, it has to. I am supposed to be Maito Gai, the Youthful Green Beast Of The Leaf! Tomorrow, I will be him once again. Today, I will allow myself time to feel a little sad. After all, I love someone that could never love me back. I love someone and I can never tell anyone about it. I can only write it down on these pages.  
**

**But I vow, here and now: I will tell him before I die. And before I die, I will kiss Kakashi Hatake.  
**

**Sincerely,  
Gai M. **


	13. You got that sometin' what can I do?

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter thirteen: You got that somethin' what can I do?_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Smooches! 

Thank you Mswan0117 for your Beta! You're awesomely, incredibly, fabulously, amazingly fantastic! 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_Well Diary, seems like Gai got his revenge after all. It's more than a little funny actually, the way he grabbed my face so hard he bruised the skin. To be quite honest with you: It looks kind of pretty. His hands are so big, and different pressure at different points… My face is like a work of art now, the canvas is still the same, however. I wish it wasn't. There is no way my face is good enough for his eyes.  
_

_But that's not even close to the most exciting thing that happened today, Diary. Though I've chosen to only talk about the good things for now, not the nerves or the awkwardness or any other stuff like that.  
_

_You see… He kissed me. A lot. And I mean: A lot. And he seemed to really like my picnic idea, and he took me to this amazing spot and he actually fed me… I'm… You know what? I'm just too overwhelmed to write about it right now. I'll tell you all about it another day. Right now… I really just want to lie in bed and dream about him. I'm kind of tired, too…  
_

_Goodnight Diary,  
_

_K.  
_

XXX

As I pull Gai down on top of me, I notice his slightly awkward attempts to deepen our kiss. And an idea starts to form in my mind. I know this might be a little… _Wicked_ , but I just can't help myself – Sorry Gai. Chuckling, I allow one hand to glide down, barely touching his ass before moving up again. Even though I'd have _liked_ to linger there, I don't. I don't want to make him feel like I'm pushing too much. These are – somewhat – comfortable waters for me, but for him it's still so new. My little trick has the desired effect though: Gai's lips part as he gasps. So I deftly slip my tongue inside his mouth. Just a little though. All he has to do to get out of this is move his head back ever so slightly and I won't do it again. I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die. Yeah _, right_ … No way am I just going to give up! But… If he's really uncomfortable with the situation, I _will_ wait. Until he is absolutely certain and absolutely clear about it. 

It seems my instincts were correct though: Gai's tongue very gingerly comes to greet my own. I tell myself to take it slow, to let _him_ decide the pace. A pace that's apparently hesitant and slow and _so_ cute. I can't help it really, Gai is just cute like this. I know he's this big, strong bear of a guy but… I dunno, he's just cute. Slowly, ever so slowly I start mapping out his mouth. _Clearly,_ he isn't used to this. It's a little amusing to me, but I try not to be too much of a tease. Later, when he's a little more accustomed to this, I can show him how much of a tease I can really be. Not now, not today. Today is all about getting to know each other, and if that includes getting to know each other's mouth from the inside out – _Well_ … I can't say I have any objections to that. 

In time though, he pushes himself up a little, panting heavily as his eyes linger on my face. I realize he's most likely looking at the bruises on my cheeks, but don't say anything about it. I've already told him I don't mind, and I'm not going to keep repeating myself. He'll figure it out in time. Suddenly, Gai smirks. 

"I have never understood why you feel the need to wear that mask all the time, Kakashi." 

"Huh?" Blinking, I can't seem to find any real words. What the hell is he on about? Of _course_ I wear it, you would too if you looked like _me_. 

Gai inches closer, his lips all but touching my own as he breathes, "You are gorgeous, Kakashi. I've always thought so. Ever since that first time you allowed me to see your face," He chuckles, pulling back a little, "Actually, I thought so before too, but…" He winks. 

I blink again, swallowing hard. My girly features aren't a turn-off? Well, that's new. I'm not used to that… I've had girls cracking up over what I really look like. I've had them asking if I was _sure_ I was a guy. But Gai… Thinks I'm gorgeous? 

He smiles, a thumb softly caressing my lips, "I love you, Kakashi." 

"I love you too… I'm just not so sure if I _agree_ with you…" I lay there, feeling a little helpless, feeling like there's something I must be missing because there's no way – _no freaking way_ – that anyone would _ever_ call _me_ gorgeous. I kind of want to go talk to Minato-sensei right now, he always knew what to say. The first time that Obito and Rin saw my face, they doubled over laughing. But Minato-sensei made them _stop._ Made them stop looking. Made them stop laughing. Made them stop _talking_ about it. Right now, I really miss him. Which is totally strange, because I have Gai right here. And he's _not_ making fun of me. No. He's just confusing me to _no_ end… 

"Why not?" 

"Because… _This_ ," I point towards my face, almost angrily so, " _Isn't_ what a guy should _look_ like!" 

Gai only smiles again, leaning in for another kiss. I can hear him mumbling, "Lush cherry lips, pale complexion… Absolute. Total. Perfection." 

Frowning a little, I open my mouth to answer him, but I can't. It's kinda hard to talk with someone else's tongue in your mouth, after all. So for now, I decide to just roll with it. I'll correct him later. If I want to. Maybe I don't. No… I don't think I want to argue with Gai on this one. If he thinks I look perfect… Maybe I was born with this face for a reason after all. There's only one person in the world who needs to like it, right? Right. And that person is Maito Gai. Maito Gai, who is the embodiment of perfection himself. Apart from his choice in legwarmers. I think I might really have a problem with that one… 

He pulls back a little, a warm smile on his face. I can't help it, I smile back. Girly face and all. There's just one little problem, though… I chuckle breathlessly, "Gai… I really, _really_ like having you there, but… I can't… Breathe…" 

Eyes widen almost comically, and Gai scrambles to get off of me. I take a deep breath, feeling _very_ relieved right now. I really _do_ like feeling his weight on top of me, just not the part where he's basically crushing my lungs for an extended period of time. Gai is hovering above me, on his hands and knees, I chuckle again, "It's not _bad_ , Gai. I just…" A fond smile tugs at the corners of my mouth, "I _really_ like feeling your weight on top of me, more than I ever thought I would. The only part of my body that disagrees, are my lungs." 

He chuckles, pushing himself up so he's only sitting on his knees, straddling me. Gai looks at me intently for a few heartbeats before suddenly moving back down again. He places his body back on mine, and for only a second, I want to protest. I just got in a few deep breaths, and now he's forcing all the air out of my lungs _again_. But Gai gently grabs my shoulders, rolling over so _he's_ the one laying on his back and _I'm_ on top of him. Smiling up at me, Gai strokes the side of my face. 

"How about this then, Adonis?" 

I blink. Blink again, " _Adonis_?!" 

Gai chuckles again, " 'Handsome Lord', I happen to think it suits you," He pulls a little face, "You called _me_ Romeo after all." 

I can't help but chuckle too, "But you're so _romantic!_ It suits you. I'm just not too sure about this 'Adonis' business…" 

Out of nowhere, Gai grins mischievously, "Deal with it." 

Hands grab the back of my head, and he less-than-gently pulls me back in for another kiss. I shrug lightly. I'll deal with it. I love him after all. And if Gai thinks I'm gorgeous or handsome or whatever… You know what? I'm going to decide to be happy about that. Happy. Not insecure. It's a _good_ thing. And Gai never lies. So if he says that's what he thinks about it, he's telling me the truth. End of story. Now, I'm just going to enjoy kissing him. 

XXX

I blink. It's gotten dark _already?_ Pulling out of our umpteenth kiss, I throw Gai a surprised look. He blinks too, looking up at the stars for a moment before chuckling. Joining in, I lean my body against his once more, "I think we should probably eh… Go home now…" 

"You are right," Another chuckle shakes his body, "It has gotten a little later than I had thought…" 

"Is that bad?" Immediately on guard, I swallow. But Gai looks at me, a warm smile on his face. 

"Not at all. This may very well have been the best day of my life." 

I smile back at him, brightly so. Untangling my body from his, I move to get up, pack everything back into the wicker basket. His eyes follow my movements, a soft smile on his face. When I'm done, I turn to the love of my life, extending my hand to help him up. He takes it, but instead of allowing me to pull him up, Gai pulls me _down_. Arms wrap tightly around me once more as he kisses me feverishly. I feel a little giddy, a little lightheaded. Gai is just _so_ freaking _cute._ Eventually though, he lets me go and we both get up. Picking up the basket with one hand, I lace the fingers of my other hand with his and together we start the journey home. It's dark, and on the way over I wasn't paying too much attention to where we were going, too preoccupied with how his hand felt in mine. Luckily, Gai knows the way well enough to get us home even in the dark. You know… I'm almost a little disappointed by that. If we'd gotten lost, it would mean that we would spend the night together out here. Just talking, kissing some more, maybe sleep some too. But Konoha's walls are already in sight, and we enter the village through the same gate as we left it hours ago. Walk back to Gai's apartment through the same back alleys we used to escape through. 

Walking up the stairs to his place, our fingers are still intertwined, our bodies so close together that our shoulders brush against each other at almost every step. I think he's doing it on purpose. I know I am. Gai doesn't let go of my hand as he searches for his keys in his pocket. Doesn't let go of my hand as he opens the door. Taking one step inside, he turns. I can see what he wants, displayed in perfect, dark eyes. So I pull down the mask with my free hand. Gai leans over, placing one sweet, lingering kiss on my lips as he finally lets go of my hand. 


	14. Baby, thinking of you keeps me up

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter fourteen: Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night  
_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Oh Gai, you don't even know _how_ lucky you are.. Millions of fangirls around the world would _love_ to be in your shoes right now. Sleep or no sleep ;) 

Mswan, thank you for another chapter Beta'd. Thank you for being so amazing that I can just relax and know that you will fix all my mistakes. You're really something else ^.^ 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**I will keep this short, since I am very tired. But today… Today was magnificent. My first date ever, and I had the immense honor and pleasure that this date was with none other than the man that I have loved for most of my life: Kakashi Hatake.  
**

**He truly is amazing. Picked me up right on time, as promised. I know that for Kakashi, that is incredibly difficult to do. I was waiting by the door, unsure whether I should stand there waiting. For all I knew, I could be standing there for over an hour! But my nerves had gotten to me and I could not bare the thought of waiting for him anywhere else.** **  
**

**But he really was right on time. For me. I know he did this just for me. And I repaid him by scaring him, disregarding his instincts and hurting him. Quite literally; I bruised his face. His perfect, gorgeous face. But I should not dwell on that. I think I'm allowed to dwell on the face, but I do that too often already. But the bruises… Kakashi told me not to worry about them. That he actually… Liked them. Thought it looked artistic. I am not artistic, I am just strong. But if he likes it, I will gladly accept the compliment.  
**

**He had planned on a picnic, and that was even more wonderful than him showing up on time: So thoughtful. I took him to the little clearing that I love so much. I vowed years ago that if I ever got the chance, I would show him that place, did I not? But only if he loved me too. And he does. Honestly does.  
**

**I am tired, but my head is too full of Kakashi. Too full to think I will be able to sleep. I keep thinking about the kisses, the touches, his TONGUE. Oh yes, his tongue. In. My. Mouth. And I am pretty sure I felt it on my neck as well, later. There was a lot of cuddling, and kissing and touching an most of it is a blur by now. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could preserve each second and take it out whenever I want to think about it. Whenever I want to. Which is not now. Now I would very much like to be able to sleep.  
**

**I will just lie down now, and hope that my body is tired enough so the sleep will come.  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M.**

XXX

Walking up the stairs to my apartment, our fingers are still entangled, our bodies so close together that our shoulders brush against each other at almost every step. I am quite certain that Kakashi is doing this on purpose, not that I mind. He doesn't let go of my hand as I search for my keys in the pocket of my flack vest. Doesn't let go of my hand as I open the door. On one hand, I want to invite him in. On the other hand, I am tired and feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I don't want to let him go, but I want to be alone. Presumably, something in my posture must have given me away, because I can see him take off the mask. I smile, a kiss goodnight seems perfect. After that, I will go and rest up. This man is… Intoxicating. Leaning over, I softly kiss his lips, the first lips I have ever kissed. And what perfect lips they are. What a perfect man this is. When Kakashi finally pulls back a little, there is a loving smile on his face, a slight tease in his voice. 

"Good night, Romeo." 

I cannot help but smirk, "Good night, Adonis," I chuckle as he pulls a little face before covering himself up with that mask once more, "Are you going to bed yet?" I deliberately keep my voice quiet, knowing quite well what he will answer me. 

"In a little bit. I have some friends to talk to." 

Another soft smile, I can tell by looking at his eye. His hand brushes past my cheek for only the briefest of moments, and Kakashi turns on his heels. Walking away, he turns to me one more time, looking a little mischievous as he blows me one last kiss. I can feel a blush creep up, but he is no longer looking at me, all but skipping down the stairs. I smile, closing my front door. 

For a brief moment, I just lean against the wood. My chest heaving as I try to steady myself once more. Kakashi makes me feel unstable, not in a bad way, but still. Eventually, I decide that my legs will not stop trembling completely, so I make my wobbly way over to my living room. Dropping myself on my couch, a fond smile tugs at my lips. Kakashi. Kakashi Hatake. He loves me. He loves me like I love him. It's… Unbelievable. But true. It really is _true._

Suddenly, all the pain and heartbreak I have suffered over the many years I have loved this man doesn't matter anymore. Suddenly, all I can think about is that he said he loves me. The times I have seen him with girls, the times I have unintentionally interrupted his dates, they don't matter anymore. He loves me. He told me he did. He told me he was never angry with me for interrupting his dates, foiling his attempts at relationships with those girls. He told me all he ever did was try to not think of _me._ In between our kisses, he told me so many things, and I told him so many things. I told him that I only challenged him to our first eating contest so I could see his face. He told me he wished he knew that back then. That he was genuinely uncomfortable under my gaze. But he also told me that he doesn't care about that anymore, that he never really _blamed_ me for that – Kakashi was simply so uncomfortable about his own face. I chuckle. The man has _nothing_ to be uncomfortable about. Not when it comes to his dashing good looks, not when it comes to his choices over the years. 

I understand them. I understand why he did the things he did. I understand he always chose the option he thought would serve his comrades best. Even if, at times, it didn't. Hidden deep within Kakashi Hatake, there is a pure soul. I know this, _have_ known it for years. And now, he has finally bared that soul to me. Maybe not completely yet, I realize we are _both_ still a little anxious. We are _both_ holding back only a little bit. That is alright though. We both need time to grow further into this relationship. I have always loved him, but I have never felt like I could tell him that. I have never before experienced what it is like to be loved back. 

Experience… He has so much more of it than I do. If it were anybody else, that would be embarrassing. But somehow… It is not embarrassing around Kakashi. Yes, I feel a little insecure and I am mostly unsure how to initiate anything, sometimes I am unsure how to reply to _his_ invitations. But I am never left feeling too awkward. I feel… Safe. I feel like it is alright to be green. Green, suddenly I chuckle. I wear green spandex, and I am green in so many other fields as well. All I really know are training and being a shinobi. I know I am a sensei also, but sometimes I cannot help but wonder if my lack of life experience might not be hindering my students. Kakashi has never had _this_ particular problem, obviously. 

I smile, remembering how he proved to me today that he is anything _but_ inexperienced. The way his lips caressed my neck, the way he sneakily managed to coax my lips apart after all. A small chuckle escapes me. I honestly do not mind that he has had more practice with this. Briefly I wonder how awkward it might have been if neither of us had ever done anything like this before. Going on dates, _kissing_ … The day would have gone very differently, of that I am certain. But no, Kakashi _does_ know what he is doing, he simply does not flaunt the knowledge around. Using it just enough to make me feel comfortable, to help me relax. I really do love him so much. 

As I lay my head to rest on the back of the couch behind me, I realize that I am thirsty. Today, my… _Love_ – Wow that word still feels weird – brought a pitcher of juice and a thermos of tea with him. And enough food for four people to have a comfortable lunch. We devoured all of it together, but clearly those weren't enough fluids. I chuckle lightly, exchanging our own, more _private_ , bodily fluids did not help the cause any either. 

Pushing myself off the couch, I stumble over to my small kitchen. My legs are still shaking, but I believe it is most likely due to fatigue rather than – whatever you call what Kakashi's presence does to my body. Emotional fatigue, but physical fatigue also. Not that I did much training today but… My jaw hurts. I chuckle again. Something new to train in. And boy, am I enjoying the training! 

I grab a bottle of fruit punch from my fridge, filling up a glass before setting the bottle back. I decide to just take the glass with me to my bedroom and go to bed. After placing the glass on my bedside table, I lift my mattress a little. I will drink my fruit punch as I write in my diary. Today is _definitely_ worth mentioning… 

XOXOX

I turn back to my other side. But sleep will not come. I keep… _Thinking_. Thinking about Kakashi. Not that that is such a new thing, I have had nights like those before. Mostly when I was younger, or after a particularly interesting challenge. But not like this. Never like this. 

I keep feeling his lips on my neck, on my own lips. My cheeks, the tip of my nose – he kissed that too. I keep feeling his hands on my body, leaving burning marks on my skin. I keep seeing his face, his perfect hands as they picked our food from the wicker basket he'd brought along. His fingers curled around the mask, right before he pulls it down. I keep hearing his voice, telling me over and over that he is in love with me, that he has loved me for too many years, that he cannot live without me. 

Not that I mind all that, but it _is_ becoming a bit of a bother by now. I am tired, no exhausted even, and this man just will _not_ let me sleep! 

His lips, pulling the food from my fingers in a way that I can only describe as 'sexy'. I might not know much about the term, but it sure as hell applies to Kakashi. The way he moves, the way he speaks, his little chuckles, his smiles, his _kisses._ Sexy. 'A person that is pleasing to the eyes and is appealing'. He certainly is. Sexy. Kakashi Hatake is sexy. And annoying right now because I want to _sleep_! For heaven's sake, I am _so_ _tired_ … 


	15. I'm so excited, I'm in too deep

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter fifteen: I'm so excited, I'm in too deep  
_ XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Another flashback, back in time in Kakashi's diary! 

Mswan is my amazing Beta, give her love people!  
 _ ***bows* Thank you!**_ In case you didn't realize, that's another one of Mswan's little notes xD I don't keep them in _every_ time, but… Yeah, sometimes I just can't resist ;) 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_Diary, today I will be brief. And I'll tell you why.  
_

_I was with Gai today, and yes, usually I would tell you all about that. I love him after all. But there really isn't much to tell. We went out for lunch together, chatted a little, no big deal. After, I proposed we go to the bookstore. I'd heard that Jiraiya's latest book was out, and I must admit, I was a little curious. Gai didn't have any objections, so we went to the nearest bookstore.  
_

_Once inside, I asked the lady behind the counter to point me to the sannin's book, and as she did so, I noticed there was a light blush on her cheeks. But that happens a lot, I do my little eye crinkle thing and girls turn to mush. I've learned not to take it personally.  
_

_However, she pointed me toward the, well, it's a little embarrassing to tell you, Diary. But she pointed me to the 'adult' section of the store… I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I was intrigued, and so, picked up the book.  
_

_I sort of opened it at random, and here is what I found: "His strong, muscular body, clad in tight all-revealing clothes stood before me." Now, if you were to come across a line like that, you want the whole book, right? Right. So I bought it. And I immediately started reading, because I really wanted to find out what else happened. So far it's a little disappointing, it's all about this guy and this girl, the usual stuff. But there's this side character that I've got really high hopes for. I want to keep reading, and thus, I will sign off.  
_

_Oh, Gai? No, he kind of… Ditched me. I don't really understand it, one minute we walk into the bookstore together, and the next he's gone. I dunno, maybe got happy about a new taijutsu book and forgot to say goodbye. That's probably it, right? Right. He wouldn't just ditch me like that. Gai is my friend, he calls himself my rival. And I call him my one true love, but he'll never hear that, and you won't tell on me, right Diary? Right.  
_

_K._


	16. The earth is movin'

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter sixteen: The earth is movin', but I can't feel the ground  
_ XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Flashback number two: The same day, Gai's POV.  
I feel sorry for that guy… 

Thank you for your amazing Beta, Mswan! 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**Today I was with Kakashi. I like spending time with him, and I am happy that nowadays I do not even have to come up with a challenge to do so. Usually, he… Tolerates me. It is what it is, I suppose.  
**

**We – well, he – decided to go to the bookstore. He said that missions were often too boring and he wanted something to read. I did not object. I know his natural genius makes it hard for him to focus on mundane tasks that others would find challenging. So we went into the bookstore together. I quickly made my way over to the weaponry section, wanting to see if there was something new to learn. I did not notice that Kakashi was no longer with me until I turned to him to point out a book that seemed interesting. Walking back, I found him standing by a display. And I cannot help it; my heart ached.  
**

**The display was set up in the 'adult' section of the store, something I did not yet realize my rival was interested in. It was a new book, written by a man who's name sounds familiar even though I cannot recall where I heard it before. The hideous cover of the thing in Kakashi's hands was bright-orange, even brighter than my leg warmers. It was – obviously – a story about a man and a woman.  
**

**Now, this should not bother me, but it does. As does the fact that my rival seemed to have forgotten about my entire existence. He looked as if he had found the holy grail, his entire posture one of awe and happiness. Happiness over a dirty book. Disgusting.  
**

**But it cannot be disgusting, it is Kakashi. Kakashi cannot be disgusting! I do not understand how this happened! I do not understand why!  
**

**He purchased the book, flipping at open as soon as he had paid the bill. So submerged in his reading he was, that he no longer seemed to notice me. I spoke to him, even raised my voice to a level that had people on the street covering their ears, but it was to no avail. I dared not touch him, worried he might get the wrong idea given his choice in reading material. I followed him as he walked, almost mechanically swirling around objects and – apparently – people too. This I know, because I moved to stand in his way, hoping he would at least notice me when he bumped into my body. I have to admit that the thought of body on body contact was a little tempting as well. But Kakashi simply sidestepped my attempts. I use the plural, because I cannot even remember how many times I tried. Eventually I just went home. Kakashi did not seem to notice.  
**

**I am generally a peaceful man, but if I ever get my hands on the author of that blasted book, I will give him a piece of my mind!  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M.**


	17. Baby, you spin me around

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter seventeen:_ _Baby, you spin me around_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Let's create some more turmoil for Kakashi, shall we? xD 

Thank you Mswan0117 for your Beta! You're awesomely, incredibly, fabulously, amazingly fantastic!  
 **Wow! Thank you! I don't know that I deserve all of that, but I'll take it!  
** _Couldn't resist keeping Mswan's note in ;)  
_

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_Jiraiya is an ass.  
_

_That's about all I want to say tonight.  
_

_K.  
_

XXX

"Are you going to bed yet?" Gai's tone is soft, he is the only living person that truly understands why I give him the answer that I do. 

"In a little bit. I have some friends to talk to." 

I smile softly, unable to resist the temptation of touching him one last time before I leave. So I touch his cheek for only the briefest of seconds. Then I turn quickly, knowing that if I linger here any longer I will not be able to resist kissing him again. And Gai is clearly tired. Besides, I have some explaining to do to a couple of friends of mine… 

Blowing him one last kiss is just _too_ tempting, and I smile when I catch his blush. But after that, I'm really leaving. I have to. I've put this off for too many years already…

XXX

Coming up to the memorial stone, my footsteps falter. What if they're mad at me now? What if they think it's gross? What if they say I should've said something years ago so they wouldn't have had to deal with someone disgusting like me all these years? 

What if I don't _care_? I _love_ him, no-one is going to take that away from me. Certainly not after he said he loves me too! Taking a deep breath, I walk up to the stone. I love Maito Gai. It's about time I let the most important people in my life know that. 

"Father? It's me again… I know it's been a while, and I honestly didn't mean to neglect you or anything. Although… You were probably happy to be rid of my whining for a little while, huh? But I promise you I'm not going to whine today, really. I just… I'm a little insecure because I don't really know how you'd feel about this, and… Well, you see the thing is…" I let out a frustrated sigh. For cryin' out loud, it's not like he can disown me anymore or anything! "You should be happy for me, father. You see, I've been in love with someone for years now. I think… Yeah, it's probably been over ten years by now… And you see, the other day, I sort of… Blurted that out. Well, to be honest I kind of yelled it out… It was pretty humiliating, father," An embarrassed chuckle escapes me, "You know me, I'm not really one for showing too many emotions, or creating this big spectacle, but I kind of did anyway. The thing is though… This person… Said they love me too, father. Maito Gai loves me, and I love him." 

For a few seconds, I stand frozen. Waiting for something, though I don't really know _what_. Thunder, maybe? A lightning bolt to come down and turn me to ash? The ground splitting open and gobbling me up? But nothing happens. The stars are twinkling just like they did before, the moon is shining softly. No disasters, natural or otherwise, are happening anywhere near my person. 

"So… You're okay with that, then? Father? I'm just going to take that as a yes, alright? But, eh… Could you maybe tell mom for me? I know I don't really have the best of relationships with her, you know with her leaving so soon and all… And I… Well, I kinda got this feeling that she'd want me to have kids and stuff? You know, find some nice girl? I tried that, I honestly did, but… I just really love him, father. I can't really help it. You'll tell mom, right? I'm sorry if I made her cry, I really am. But I kind of have to live my own life, right? Right. I know you'd tell me the same thing. I think so, at least…" 

Taking a deep breath, I swallow hard. Telling dad about Gai was tough, but also strangely cathartic. Now it's on to the next one, "Minato-sensei, you there? Kakashi here… I eh, have something to tell you…" 

"You're just gonna go down the entire list like that?" 

Spinning on my heels, I only barely manage to hold back a yelp. I know I spoke very softly, and this person _heard_ me! That's… Really embarrassing. Swallowing, I watch as Jiraiya slowly draws nearer. 

"A lot of my friends are on there as well, Kakashi," He smiles a little sadly, I can just about make it out in the pale light of the moon, "Including Minato. He wouldn't have minded, though. You know that , right? Neither Minato nor Kushina would've made a big deal out of it. Your father however… I'm not too sure about him. Probably not, if it meant you were happy. I'm sure he would have needed a little time, though," He winks at me, and I can feel my legs trembling. 

"What about you?" I whisper, my tone even quieter than when I spoke to the Stone. 

"Me? As in, do _I_ have a problem with you and Gai?" 

He sounds a little surprised, almost as if he hadn't expected the question. I nod, just barely. 

"No," Jiraiya's tone is definitive, "I don't see the problem at all, to be honest with you. I don't see what the big deal is." 

He moves to stand beside me, suddenly looking a little thoughtful as he adds, "Though I presume _anyone_ falling for Gai is kind of a big deal…" 

Frowning, I open my mouth, intending to defend the one I love, but Jiraiya cuts me off once more, "Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy. It's just that most people seem unable to see beyond the spandex, so to speak." 

"Oh, yeah, well…" I'm not sure what to say, I never expected to have a conversation like this in the first place, and this is _Jiraiya!_ The guy who writes my literary addiction! 

"By the way, Kakashi…" A dirty smirk settles on Jiraiya's face and I'm suddenly quite sure I don't want to hear the rest of his sentence, "Did _you_ see beyond the spandex yet? Not that it's not already abundantly clear what's there, of course, but –" 

"Shut up!" My eye is wide, and I'm trembling once more. But this isn't fear, it's anger, "Don't you speak of him like that!" 

But the sannin appears unfazed, "So you didn't, then? Taking it slow, I presume. Building a solid relationship first, sort of thing?" 

I groan, turning on my heels, "I'll leave you to say your piece to your loved ones in peace, Jiraiya. Good night." 

His voice follows me through the silence of the night, "A word to the wise, Kakashi. Don't forget the lube!" 

I can hear him chuckling, and my cheeks burn. Not wanting to show the older man my uneasiness, I jump up and continue my way through the branches. I'm going home. I'm going home and I'm going to try and forget I ever saw Jiraiya tonight.

XXX

Once I reach my apartment, unlocking my balcony door, I realize that's never going to happen though. The older man's words are forever etched into my brain. 'Don't forget the lube'… What the hell does that even _mean_? Sure, I know that if we were to, eh… _Engage in certain activities_ , we'd need that stuff, probably, but… What the hell does _Jiraiya_ know about that? And why bring it up? Walking over to my bedroom, I pick up the orange-covered book. Turning it around and around in my hands, I contemplate the sannin's words. Icha Icha is a romance between a man and a woman, right? Right. There _was_ this guy, the main character's best friend, he… Sort of acts a little gay, maybe? But… I mean, if I'm in love with Gai, that makes _me_ gay, right? Right. Gay for Gai at _least._ And I don't act like that. Nor does Gai. So… That's just a character in a book, though. I always kind of thought he based him off of Orochimaru, the guy certainly _looks_ the part… And the main character is obviously modeled after Jiraiya himself. The female lead is an interpretation of Tsunade. All that is crystal clear to me. So… What's this about lube…? He kind of sounded like he knew what he was talking about there. 

Lube… Jiraiya and _lube_ … 

I start pacing, walking up and down my small bedroom. In the second book, there's little mention of that supposed best friend, which makes sense, if he's actually based on Orochimaru… The third book isn't out yet, so I have no way of knowing if that would make things any clearer… 

Sighing, I drop myself on the bed. I shouldn't even be _thinking_ about any of this right now! I just spent the day with Gai, having an _amazing_ first date, and here I am thinking about _Jiraiya_?! That's just wrong. And gross. And _very_ unsettling. 

I pull a face against the book that's still in my hands, "You can't really tell me anything, now can you? You're just a book, after all. Jiraiya wrote you, but that doesn't mean you know anything about the plot for the next books, or what kind of research Jiraiya –" Wait… _Research_ … He _didn't!_ No way, I must be imagining things… Have to. God, I _so_ hate Jiraiya right now. I want to think about _Gai!_ Gai is the amazing one, he's funny and kind and _gorgeous_ … Jiraiya's… Well, his books are funny sometimes, and _really_ dirty, which I like. But _Jiraiya_ … He's no fun, he's a student-stealer. And he's not kind, he's a student-stealer. And he's _definitely_ not hot, he's a student – wait, that may be true but it doesn't apply here... I can't see why Tsunade would even consider him for a _second._ And I happen to _like_ guys. Well, one. Gai. Maito Gai. 

I should go to sleep now. Go to sleep and dream of Gai. Not Jiraiya – _Damnit_! Whatever, I'll try.  
Gai. Gai. Gai. Jir – _Gai_. Gai. See? Gai. Lube… Fuck this. I need a drink…


	18. Crazy, but it feels alright

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter eighteen: Crazy, but it feels alright_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Well, well, the day _after_ the big date!  
I find it *so* funny that one of my readers from another story (Yes, I'm talking to _you_ , Arturo!) ended up here by sheer accident! Lol! So… Figured that was worth another update ;) Even though, so far, that's the only review I got on chapter 17 – oh well, call me impatient. It's what I am after all ^.^ 

My wonderful Beta goes by the name of Marina – _Mine,_ you can't have her! I already keep her way too busy with all my stories, you _back off!_  
Oopsie… I might just be a _tad_ possessive ;)  
 **Eh, I don't mind. I'd probably tell them all the same thing :)**

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**I still find it hard to believe how truly lucky I am.  
Kakashi loves me. He took me on an amazing date. He kissed me. He hurt me – twice. But mostly… He loves me.  
**

**I cannot wait to see him again. Kiss him again. Hopefully not get hurt again…  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M.** _  
_

XXX

I awake from a light slumber, still feeling tired after tossing and turning for most of the night. My head hurts, and I am definitely dehydrated. But it is all worth it. Kakashi is worth this and so much more. I still find it hard to believe that any of this is actually happening, that any of it is real. But it is, I know for sure because I forgot to change into my pajama's last night – well, not _forgot_ , more like, _refused_ , because my clothes still smell a little like Kakashi. It almost feels as if I have spent the night in his embrace. 

Now that's an embarrassingly silly notion! I blink, rolling out of bed. I need a shower, clean clothes and to have my head checked for severe injuries. There is _no_ way I just thought that. On the other hand… I am pretty sure that I _did._ I will just chalk it up to a lack of sleep for the time being. I am quite certain I do not actually have a head injury anymore. Only a sprained wrist. The shower and change of clothes are a must though – it would be too embarrassing to go out without those things. 

XXX

As I leave my apartment, showered, shaved and in a clean jumpsuit, I make for the gate. Running five laps around the village is part of my routine after all. But I find that my legs refuse the ordered jog, and they turn into an alley that definitely does _not_ lead to the gate. Sighing, I turn on my heels. But my treacherous feet turn into the next street that would lead me to their intended destination. I frown, turning back on the main street once more. I'm on my way to the _gate_ , _not_ … Well, wherever my feet are taking me _again._ There really are too many streets leading that way… 

I pull a face, but resign myself to my fate. Allowing my feet to take me wherever they want to go. I already know their destination, though I am unsure if I am happy about this. Actually, I _am_ sure. Just torn. Fifty-fifty. Yes, I want to go there. No, I think I should keep my distance for a little while. Either way I should train. No matter what happens, I need to train. But it seems that this morning, I will not.  
This is ridiculous! I even trained yesterday morning! It's still way too early! There is no way – 

"Gai!" 

I swallow. Frozen in place. 

He walks toward me, "Shouldn't you be out training right now? Five laps around the village, right?" 

I cannot answer him. 

"Gai?" 

None of my muscles seem to be responding right now. My tongue is a useless flap of meat, and my knees have turned to jelly. It is a wonder I am still _standing._

"Okay… Now you're worrying me… Gai? _Please?_ " Pleading with me, his voice drops to a whisper, "Was yesterday _that_ bad? It was, wasn't it? You've come to tell me not to bother anymore, right? Right. I pushed too much, is that it? I shouldn't have –" 

_Finally,_ I find my voice, interrupting the insecure monologue, "Kakashi, I did not come to tell you not to bother, and I already told you yesterday that it was quite possibly the best day of my life. I _should_ be training, yes. However, my feet decided that I should come see _you_ instead. I was on my way over to your apartment, even though I realized that you were most likely still asleep. And I have _no_ idea what I am thinking right now, all I know is that I want to be near you, and that I do not ever want to be _not_ near you…" A little out of breath, I stop speaking. Sucking in air in slight desperation. Forgetting to breath while saying so much might not have been my brightest moment. Saying so much may not have been my brightest moment either. In fact, I am quite sure it is not. Kakashi is looking at me as if I have gone insane, and he is most likely right. The way I am conducting myself right now is humiliating… 

"Gai…? Are you telling me _you_ were on your way over to _my_ place, while _I_ was on my way over to the gate to wait for _you_ there? I figured you'd already left but I wanted to… I dunno… Maybe, talk some more?" He rubs the back of his head a little uncomfortably, and despite it all, I chuckle. 

"It would seem so, Kakashi…" I blink when a thought hits me, "But if you were planning to wait at the gate… You _do_ realize you would be subject to whatever Izumo and Kotetsu would throw at you, do you not?" 

"Yeah…" Pulling a face, he looks away for a brief moment, "I kind of figured that if they had the guts to say anything, I'd just beat their asses all the way to the hospital… I'd _rather_ kick them all the way to Suna, but I figured I wouldn't be back in time to catch you if I did _that_ , so…" 

Another chuckle escapes me, "Nearly breaking just _my_ wrist isn't enough for you, my rival?" 

"Well," He smiles at me, his stance finally relaxing as his tone lightens up, " _Yours_ was an accident… And besides, what better way to prove my love than to kick those annoying idiots out of your life, right? You've been complaining about them for years now, I just thought I'd clean house," He is grinning beneath the mask, and it makes me smile as well. 

"How about we _don't_ kick anyone all the way to anywhere and just find ourselves a good place to have breakfast? You can prove your love by accompanying me to my favorite place, though that would mean going all the way back to my apartment, since it is basically across the street from my place," And then after, maybe I will invite you up again. But I am not sure yet. I want to, but this whole thing is daunting for me, so I'll not speak of it yet. 

Kakashi leans over for a moment, whispering in my ear in a voice that is so sensual I literary get the shivers, "I'll do anything to prove my love for you, Romeo." 

XXX

Our orders are placed, the privacy curtain drawn, and we are sitting here. In complete and utter silence. I do not know what to say, and apparently, neither does Kakashi. I would call this situation awkward at best. He clears his throat, and I look at him expectantly. Kakashi has found something to say! But it seems he does not, as the only thing I get for my trouble is a self-conscious look. I worry the inside of my lip, our silences have never been this uncomfortable before. And yesterday, the only silences we had were the result of our lips melting together. 

"Gai," His tone is quiet, "This is ridiculous… Why the hell are we being so awkward all of the sudden?" 

I shrug, but as Kakashi frowns lightly I realize he would rather I answer him out loud. He has a point, anything to break this silence, "I do not know, Kakashi. The situation has changed too much too sudden… I do not know how to adjust…" Embarrassed, I let my head drop, hands folded between my shaking knees. 

He scoots over in the booth, only stopping when his body is right beside mine on the leather couch. A hand gently lifts my chin so I will look at him. Kakashi's tone is even quieter than before as he rests his forehead against mine, "Here's some things that didn't change. You're still Maito Gai, and I'm still Kakashi Hatake. We're both still jounin from Konoha. I'm still madly in love with you, and by now I'm pretty sure you're also _still_ ," He chuckles lightly, "In love with me. The only thing that's really changed is that now we know about that. And now I know what I've been missing my entire life. I'm not about to give any of that up again, Gai." 

I feel a smile tug at the corners of my mouth, "You're right. But right now I am missing something dearly," I almost chuckle but manage to hold it in, even as Kakashi pulls away, shock on his face. 

"What –" 

He frowns as our conversation is interrupted by the arrival of our breakfast and I can no longer hold back my chuckle. As I wait for the food to be placed on our table and the waitress to leave again, I study my rival's face. Despite the mask, I have always been able to see his expressions quite clearly. It always amazes me how much difficulty others seem to have in accomplishing the same task. When the privacy curtain is closed behind the waitress once more, I smile. Kakashi is taking the mask off and I always love this sight. And finally, _finally_ , I feel like I am _allowed_ to love the sight. So I take it all in. 

"What?" Confused, he looks at me, his cheeks a little pink. 

I cock my head to the side, "I love watching you take that damned thing of your face, is all. Which brings me back to my previous point," I almost grin as his expression changes from confused to embarrassed and back to confusion. 

"You said you were missing something… I don't understand…" 

He looks at me worriedly, and I decide to put Kakashi out of his misery. It is not fair to play with this man's already fragile mind. 

"What I'm missing is easily remedied, Kakashi," I smile reassuringly, leaning over a little, I whisper, "Kiss me."


	19. I'm so into you

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter nineteen: I'm so into you_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Diary time! Which means back in time ;) 

My awesomely amazing Beta is Marina, you all wish you had a wonderful Beta like her, but she´s all mine ^.^ _  
_

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_It's like, the middle of the night right now, Diary. And I can't believe how hard it is to sleep tonight… It's more than a little embarrassing to be frank. This morning – well, afternoon, but you know what I mean. After I woke up. Anyway, I was on my way over to Hokage Tower, ready to receive another exciting D-rank mission. I have to say… I almost forgot how boring the first couple of months with a new gennin squad are… Of course, Naruto is already demanding an A-rank. It's a little funny, there's always one that refuses to follow the routine of D-rank missions. But I don't think I've ever met a gennin so persistent as Naruto Uzumaki. Oh well…  
_

_Naruto isn't the reason why I can't sleep, Diary. I'm pretty sure you guessed as much already, right? Right. On my way over, I passed Gai and Lee, doing whatever it is they do under the guise of training. This time, Gai was walking on his hands, with Lee doing squats on Gai's feet, way up in the air. It was funny, so I watched them for a little while. To be fair, almost everyone was watching. You don't see something like that every day. Well, nowadays you kind of do, Gai and Lee are attached at the hip. I'm a little jealous of that kid sometimes… Wow, that sounded petty, didn't it? Yeah, it did.  
_

_Thing is, everyone around me was laughing. Poking a little fun, placing bets. I don't like it when people do that, but I know that Gai doesn't really care all that much, so I've learned to keep quiet. Gai does what Gai does, right? I think it's pretty amazing. But what started out as a sight that was a little funny, something to take my mind off my troublesome three, quickly changed into… Trouble.  
_

_You see, Diary… It became increasingly more difficult to keep my thoughts… Chaste. I mean, he wears this spandex, right? Right. And you know what that does to me. Days like these, I'm so incredibly happy I wear a mask, and that the uniform has nice, loose pants. Eventually, after what seemed like eternity, Gai and Lee disappeared out of sight. And I realized that I had to go.  
_

_I managed to keep my attention focused on my team for the most part, all throughout the day. You know I never manage to focus all my attention on them, but that's just because it's boring. D-ranks are boring, and inexperienced gennin are boring and each of them has yet to surprise me. They will, in time. I know that much. They all have it in them. I'm thinking Sasuke will be the first to bloom. After that, it's a tie between the other two. Naruto is a knucklehead, but Sakura is too hesitant. Too preoccupied with book smarts and rules. But I kept my head in the game for the entire day, Diary! I almost deserve a medal for staying focused after seeing Gai walk around like that. He doesn't even realize, does he? How damned sexy he is…_ _  
_

_But then… I went home. I had a quick dinner, read Icha Icha again, took a shower… And that's where my day went wrong, Diary. Thoughts of Gai kept popping up, and now I can't put him out of my head again. I keep seeing him. I keep wondering what it'd feel like to rest my hands against his bare chest. I would feel all those muscles, and maybe I'd even have the courage to let my touch wander down a little. Rock-hard abs, I tell you. I know they're there. I've felt them. But even though that spandex isn't much of an obstruction… It's not skin either.  
_

_I can't help but think about what I'd find if I let my hands drop even lower… I know he's… Grown some, since I had the privilege to see. I know he's… Matured. I wish I could touch him. I wish he would touch me. What would it feel like to have those big hands on my own naked skin? They're calloused, so it'd feel a little rough, but the same could be said for my own hands. But I know that Gai would be gentle. He's so much more gentle than people seem to realize.  
_

_In the old days, I'd go out now. Find myself a girl. But I don't even want to do that anymore. I've had it with relationships that last for less than a week. I've had it with one-night stands. I'm just… Not interested. I'm only interested in one person, Diary. But he's never, ever going to feel the same, now is he? To Gai, I'm the 'eternal rival'. I'm an obstacle to overcome. Someone to proof his worth to. Oh, he's proven it already, Diary. He's proven it to the point where I can't stand next to him and focus on whatever it is that I'm supposed to be focusing on. I know that upsets him. Gai refers to that as my 'hip and cool attitude'. It's not. It's really not. It's just me trying not to think about reaching out and touching him. The kind of touching that he would never, ever accept.  
_

_Diary… Is it really bad to think about dropping to my knees and… Pleasuring him? I mean… He's my friend, right? I can't do something like that, right? Right. Gai is my friend. I'm a disgusting, perverted monster. But I can't stop thinking about it, Diary… I'm so, so incredibly sorry but I just can't. I can't stop thinking about reaching down and feeling him in my hand. I can't stop imagining how he would look when he cums. I'm a pervert, Diary…  
_

_I'm horrible, aren't I? Really, Sakura is right. She keeps calling me a pervert, you know. She has no idea…  
_

_It hurts, Diary. It hurts so much… I keep deciding to keep my distance, to stay as far away from Gai as I possibly can. But then I see him, and… I just want to cry, Diary… To be fair, I really am crying right now, I'm sorry for getting you wet. I know moisture is bad for you, but I just can't stop crying. I'm sorry, Diary. I'm sorry Gai. I'm sorry Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto. I'm so sorry. I'm just a perverted bastard.  
_

_I'm such a bad person… I can't stop imagining my best friend naked! What the hell is wrong with me? I can't stop thinking about sexual things that I'd like to do with my best friend! It's gross, isn't it? You can yell at me, Diary. I deserve it. I so deserve it.  
_

_Oh, why does Gai have to wear that blasted spandex? Why does he insist on making it even harder for me not to think about that amazing body of his? He's so kind, and warm, and trusting… I'm betraying that trust, Diary. I'm betraying Gai every time I think about him. He's supposed to be my best friend, my eternal rival. I don't mind that he wants to challenge me all the time, even if he has really bad timing sometimes. But what I do mind, Diary… What I do mind is that he gets so close to me, that he touches me. Every time he touches me I have to fight an inner war. Where one camp wants nothing more than to turn around and kiss him, touch him back. And the other camp keeps screaming that Gai is my friend. He's my friend, Diary! How can I possibly think about doing dirty things with my friend?! I'm a disgusting monster! Please… Someone… Stop this…  
_

_K.  
_


	20. My heart is jumping, it's easy to see

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter twenty: My heart is jumping, it's easy to see_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ And Gai's take on the same day again ;) Just to torture you a little. Yes, I´m looking at _you_ , Yengirl! xD 

My Beta goes by the name Marina, and she´s _awesome_. Trust me on this. ^.^ _  
_

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**Today I have spent another youthful day of training with my gennin team. Neji landed a good punch, and I had vowed that when he did so, I would walk on my hands for three miles, with Neji sitting in the place of honor, on top of my feet. He refused. I do not fully understand why, but both he and Tenten insisted that I should be able understand why he reclined. However, Lee was more than willing to help me out by doing the squats he had ordered himself to do if he were to lose to Tenten on top of my feet. So far, a regular, youthful day.  
**

**There would be no reason to write any of this down if not for the following: Kakashi was watching us. In the crowd, he stood. Watching. For only a moment, I almost lost my balance. I almost toppled over. For only a moment, the world was beyond upside down and my body felt inside out. My heart visible for all the world to see. For Kakashi to see.  
**

**I truly am embarrassed to admit that my rival's slightly bored gaze interrupted my concentration to the point where I almost dropped Lee on the ground. I am ashamed of the thoughts I have about this man. He would not want me to think these things. I realize that Kakashi only barely tolerates me at times, that he zones out to avoid conversing with me. He would not want me to speak of my love for him. So I will not.  
**

**And now, I will go to bed. My head is clear once more, and tomorrow will bring another day filled with youthful training. And hopefully, without thoughts of Kakashi Hatake. It hurts too much.  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M.**


	21. I feel it in the way you touch

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter 21: I feel it in the way you touch_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ The third 'arc'- the third song. Same singer, three songs. C'mon people, figure it out ;)  
(I'll not post the answer until the final chapter – and the lord only knows when _that'll_ be xD)  
Hey Yengirl, I posted right before the weekend, just for you ;) (And all you other lovely (weekend) readers, of course) 

Marina, thank you for another amazing Beta. Daisuki! 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_I love Gai so much… He's the most amazing person EVER, you know that? He's sweet, and understanding and thoughtful and gentle and – I should stop now, right? Right. You've already heard me list all of Gai's amazing qualities too many times. I can't really blame you for getting a little tired of it, Diary…  
_

_I really wish I didn't have to leave the Memorial Stone yesterday, though… I've still got to tell Minato-sensei, and Obito and Rin. And I sort of feel like I should tell the others there as well, Diary. After all, they've all been there for me for so many years, right? Right. It'd feel wrong not to tell everyone. Like I'm lying to them. They're not around anymore to just see it happening like everyone else. I should go and tell them.  
_

_But at the same time, I can't stop thinking about Gai. About seeing him, touching him, kissing him. He's SO addicting, Diary… Like, so addicting. You don't even know how addicting Gai is. I mean, I could fill these pages, and tell you all about it and you still wouldn't be able to grasp just how addicting Gai really is.  
_

_I love him so much…  
_

_K._

XXX

I'm laying on my back on Gai's couch, he's on top of me. I don't really remember how this happened, but I'm seriously liking the situation, so I decide not to bother with the details too much. He's kissing me, fingers running through my hair like my own are running through his. Yeah, I'm _so_ liking this. 

But then Gai shifts a little. And all of the sudden, I'm not so sure if I'm liking where this is headed anymore. Not that I mind that his leg is touching me. Or maybe I do. I'm just _really_ not sure at this point, and I can feel how something is stirring down in my pants and that's just downright _humiliating._ I swallow, my hands almost automatically lifting his hips just a little, "Gai… Please…" 

He blinks down at me, clearly confused. I swallow once more, "That's… I mean… Your leg was…" A deep breath, "Touching me, Gai. Really private touching and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet…" Scared, I look up at him. Hoping to god that he's not going to get offended. 

Gai smiles at me, a soft smile, before pushing himself up. Sitting down next to me, he gives me a serious look, "I did not intend to make you uncomfortable, Kakashi." 

I swallow, "I know," Sitting back up, "It's just… I mean, I don't really… Have any objections, I guess. But…" 

His smile somehow turns reassuring, "I am not sure if I am ready for that either. And I honestly did not realize what I was apparently doing until you stopped me." 

Swallowing again, I nod, "I know it's not on purpose, Gai. I realized that much immediately, but…" I don't dare look up, "It's not like I never… You know, _thought_ about it…" 

He chuckles lightly, leaning over so he can look me in the eye, "As did I. However…" 

"Yeah…" Awkwardly, I bite my lip, "This is only the second time we're…" A chuckle forces its way out of my throat, "I guess we can't really call this a date, now can we?" I look up at Gai, he's blushing. Blushing Gai is _so_ cute, it makes me want to crash my lips against his again. But I hold back, my gaze drifting away a little. 

"Do we need to, Kakashi?" He sounds just a little insecure, "Do we need to go on dates to be together? I know I don't… _Know_ much about this stuff, but…" 

"No, we don't. It doesn't always have to be a date, Gai. No way, because that would mean I wouldn't be able to see you as much and I want to see you as much as I possibly can and –" I suddenly realize I'm rambling, biting my tongue to keep from saying more. But he chuckles again, seemingly relieved. 

"I want to be with you as much as I can too, my love," His tone is soft, but there's a sparkle in Gai's eyes. 

I swallow against the lump in my throat, "I love you so much, Gai…" 

Smiling, he leans over once more, recapturing my lips. I can hear myself moan, can feel his strong hands on my shoulders, pushing me on my back once more. Gai's being careful though, careful not to touch where he touched me before. I'm grateful for that, but at the same time… I'm not. Really, this whole thing has been dragging on for so long and I'm honestly not sure how much longer I can hold out. I _want_ him to touch me, but I'm not sure if I'd like everything that would surround that. Like the fact that this totally sweet and relatively innocent relationship would instantly turn into something a little more… _Mature._ Like the fact that, if he touches _me_ , he'd likely expect me to return the favor. Not that I'm _against_ that, I just don't know if I'm _for_ that yet, either. 

But right now, he's kissing me. And that's amazing enough in itself so I decide to just focus on that for now. Everything else can wait. It's not like I haven't been waiting forever, right? Right. 

XXX

At some point – I don't really remember when – we fell of the couch together. Gai has a nice, thick carpet though, so it didn't hurt too much. And we just continued making out on the floor. We´re rolling over the moss green carpet, sometimes he´s on top, sometimes I am. The couch is basically on the other side of the room by now, and to avoid running into the wall, I pull Gai back up top of me and over the other side. He´s somehow caught on to the fact that hands are an almost equally important part of making out, and his are currently wandering all over my chest. It´s a rather new feeling – usually when I feel hands touching my chest, they're about half as small and not nearly as strong. But this feels… Absolutely amazing. This is the way it's _supposed_ to be. 

Another soft moan escapes my throat, I've been moaning for a good while now, as has Gai. But this time it causes him to chuckle a little, and he places a quick kiss on my lips before letting his head fall back on the soft carpet. 

"Kakashi… How on earth did we end up here?" 

I frown a little in confusion. 'Here' as in, on the floor? Or 'here' as in, making out with each other? Or maybe he means 'here' as in, two shinobi, two jounin. Maybe he means to say how far we've come. I honestly don't have a _clue_ what he means, there could be so many things… 

But his gentle voice continues as if he hasn't seen my hesitation, "After all those years… I never thought any of this would ever come to pass. But here we are, Kakashi. And we are together in a way that sounded so impossible for so long. So far beyond belief that I did not even dare hold on to the slightest hope. I love you so much, I always have. My only regret is that I did not say something sooner…" 

"Yeah," My voice is throaty, tears starting to blur my vision, "Me too, Gai. I can't believe what an idiot I've been for all these years… I don't ever want to let you go again, Gai. Never. I just…" Unsure how to say what's on my mind, I simply rest my head on his shoulder, unable to resist placing a small kiss just below his ear. 

"Kakashi… We have basically been inside a cocoon for the past two days. We have been sneaking around in hopes of not encountering anyone, and I am still not sure if I even _want_ to see any of them again, but…" 

"I know… We can't hide forever… Just…" I lift my head a little to look him in the eye, "I've been thinking about this, last night when I couldn't sleep. I thought… We could… I mean, it's not like we owe anyone an announcement or something, right? Right, so… I figure we just go about our own lives the way _we_ want to. And if that means that somebody sees us together, and draws their conclusion from that, that'll be fine with me. Which is why I was okay with waiting for you at the gate this morning. Because I honestly don't care about what other people think anymore. I got the greatest prize of my entire life. They can say whatever they want, I only want you." 

For a few seconds, Gai doesn't reply. There's a thoughtful look on his face and his arms around me hug me maybe just a _little_ too tight. But I can still sort of breathe, so I don't want to make a big deal out of it. After a little while, Gai nods. 

"You are right. They can assume whatever it is that they _want_ to assume. However, I feel like I must ask you for one exception…" 

"Lee?" I know the boy is closer to him than anyone – well, maybe except for _me._ Of course he'd want to tell him! And I won't stand in his way. 

"Yes. Although I was actually thinking of Neji and Tenten as well. And Sakura." 

" _Gaaai_ …" I groan, pushing myself off of him and sitting back on my knees beside him. Gai also sits up, regarding me with a curious look, "Listen… Sakura _already_ thinks I'm this big ol' perv. And you know, she's _right_ but…" 

"You are worried what she is going to say?" 

Ashamed, I nod. My fingers absentmindedly running through the long fibers of Gai's carpet. 

"What did Minato-sensei say?" 

Gai's tone is incredibly soft, and I have to swallow before admitting that I didn't tell him. I'm not sure if I should tell him about Jiraiya as well, so I don't. Maybe later… 

"Why not? Are you afraid he will get angry with you?" 

A sad smile spreads across my face. Gai really is the _only_ person in the world that understands how important my deceased loved ones still are to me. The only person in the _world_ that would never ridicule me for caring about their opinions, for my almost desperate need to talk to them. I sigh softly, "I told my father first. And I asked him to tell mom, because I was a little scared to do it myself, you know I never really knew her," I look up briefly, relieved at the understanding in his eyes. Returning my gaze to the floor, I continue, "I was just about to tell Minato-sensei next, but… I got interrupted," Swallowing, I look up once more, "Jiraiya was there. He said that Minato-sensei and Kushina would've been okay with it, and that he was too. But then he got a little too…" I look away again, my cheeks burning, " _Personal_. So… I left. I haven't gone back there yet…" 

"I see. Do you want to go back together?" 

"What?!" My head shoots up at the unexpected offer. I'm surprised, but also… Thankful. Happy, "I… Yes, Gai. Please. I would like that very much."


	22. I've been waiting for so long, it hurts

_Chapter 22: I've been waiting for so long, it hurts  
_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ I know it's short, but… Yeah, just deal xD 

Marina, you are an amazing Beta, and I can never thank you enough for everything you do for me. 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**I do not believe in mysticism or ghosts. But after today, I feel like maybe I should.  
This little peek into Kakashi's world has shown me that there might be things that I could never explain. And I am beginning to feel increasingly sure that I do not want them explained to me either.  
**

**At least Kakashi is happy…  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M.**

XXX

And so we ended up at the Memorial Stone together. Kakashi is very anxious, it is easy to tell. We stand side by side before the Stone, and my love is trembling. Without thinking, I reach out and take his hand, giving him an encouraging squeeze. He seems to appreciate it, giving me a weak smile in return. 

I have never actually been this close when Kakashi addressed his friends before, and I feel like I am allowed in on something that is _so_ personal that even a few days ago he wouldn't have even considered the _possibility_ of somebody standing next to him here. I can hear him take a deep breath. 

"Minato-sensei? Hey, I'm back. I'm really sorry for ditching you yesterday, but your old sensei can be a little hard to be around sometimes. I'm sure you know. But anyway, eh… I was sort of planning to tell you about something important yesterday. You remember Gai, right? This guy right here," He points his thumb at me, and I feel very honored to be included in this conversation. But Kakashi would most likely not appreciate me speaking up at this point, so I do not. 

"He, eh… Well, I'm sure you remember him from back in the day. He's the kid that was always challenging me. And… Well, you see… He's been my best friend for a really long time. And… I guess… When I was around sixteen or so – god, I _really_ needed you around back then… This whole puberty thing really sucks, you know that? Anyway… I kind of realized something about Gai back then, but I never told you. I never told anyone because I was afraid that you'd turn away from me, you know? But… I fell in love with him, sensei. And Gai loves me back. And… Well we love _each other_ , which is pretty fucking great if you ask me… I guess I'm kind of hoping for a sign here, but I know you won't. Still, I needed to tell you about this, and I really hope you're okay with it and –" 

Suddenly, Kakashi looks up. As do I. The cloudy sky has turned bright-blue, the dreary drizzling rain has suddenly stopped. Behind the Memorial Stone, we can see a faint rainbow. I blink, looking over at Kakashi. His muscles have completely relaxed, and he is looking back at me with a huge grin on his face. He turns back to the Stone, but before he does so, I notice the slight hint of a tear in his visible eye. I am tearing up as well. It is almost as if Minato Namikaze really _is_ listening. 

"That means you're okay with us, right sensei? We have your blessing? Thank you so much, Minato-sensei, thank you so, _so_ much…" 

Kakashi swallows, wiping at the tear that is running down his cheek. Another deep breath, "Obito? Rin? Hey, it's Kakashi…" 

My mind wanders off a little, this is incredible! Is Minato really listening then? Or is this all some weird but perfectly timed coincidence? Somehow, I find it hard to believe such is the case. Even _if_ it is the most logical conclusion. Kakashi sure seems to be convinced it was his old sensei's doing, and try as I might, I cannot find it in my heart to disagree with him. 

So I stand there, silently waiting as my lover works his way down the list of all the people he's ever cared about. I have to admit, the list is a lot longer than I had anticipated. And there are names being called out that I have never heard about before. Perhaps they were his ANBU comrades, I do not know. And quite frankly, I do not really care that much either. I am certain that at this point Kakashi is simply telling everyone he has ever known about me. Which is… Rather sweet, actually. 

Finally, it seems that Kakashi is done, as he turns away from the Stone and towards me. He winks at me, leaning over to give me a quick peck on the lips. We _really_ have to talk about this 'kissing with the mask' thing. It feels so awkward… But Kakashi smiles wide, gently tugging on my hand a little. I allow him to pull me along, a smile on my own face as well. 

"So, where are we going next, Kakashi?" 

"I was thinking… Must be nearing lunchtime, right?" 

I nod, "Somewhere around that time, yes." 

"Yeah… My stomach agrees, so… What would you say to lunch? That little restaurant across from your apartment was really great, wanna go there again?" 

My smile widens a little, "I would love to." 


	23. Don't hold back

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter twenty-three: Don't hold back  
_ XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ And… It's Diary time again. Flashback, people. Please don't freak out on me again xD  
I am so sorry for the long silence on this story… My muse is slowly being strangled by a really bad guy named 'Real Life' -.-"  
I'll do my best for you guys though – I _promise!_

I have an amazing Beta, she goes by the name of Marina, and she's totally the best. You all wish she was yours… :P 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_Last night, I had the strangest dream… I'm too embarrassed to even tell you about it, Diary. It was about… Gai. About him… Naked. With me… Well, also naked. That's kind of… Wrong, isn't it? I don't know Diary, maybe it shouldn't surprise me all that much. Remember that list I told you about a couple months back? When I told you all the amazing things about Gai that I could think of? Do you remember the last one, Diary? That I fell in love with him?  
_

_Maybe dreams like this one are to be expected…_

_Not that I actually have time for any of this. Not that I even want to think about it. It's never even going to be more than these dreams, right? Right. God, I wish there was a way.  
_

_Wow… Wait. Did I just…? Diary, please tell me I did not just say I wish there was a way to get Gai to do the stuff he did in my dream? Because that was like… Totally personal stuff, you know? No, you wouldn't know. You don't really have much experience, now do you Diary? Still… On some secret – and I mean very secret – level, I think I would like to do stuff like that with him. Even if he's my best friend. Even if he's a guy. Even if Minato-sensei would scold me and tell me I'm too disgusting to be a shinobi. I kind of… Wanna do that stuff…_

_K.  
_


	24. Just let it go

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter twenty-four: Just let it go  
_ XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Diary – flashback. Though not as far back as the last chapter. I am so truly sorry for these last two chapters being so short. I am currently in battle with my muse who doesn't really want to write this story anymore – or at least not the diary entries. But so help me Gai, I will finish this story! 

Sooo… This is what my Beta had to say about this chapter… " _Oh yeah, you are soooo dead for this one. Really short. Sooo dead. ;)_ _"_ Yeah… I know you guys are gonna flame me for the word count on this chapter… I think the A/N is seriously longer than the chapter! I should stop writing now, lest I make it worse… _  
_

Marina, thank you for another Beta. And for all the encouragement, you know what I mean ;) 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**I am almost ashamed to admit that last night was another night filled with lust-filled dreams of Kakashi. This has been going on for many years now, the dreams getting increasingly descriptive. Should a grown man be having these kinds of dreams about his best friend and eternal rival? I do not believe I should. I shall train hard today, and hopefully by the end of the day I will be too tired to dream much of anything. It is the only choice I have.  
**

**Sincerely Gai M.**


	25. And I don't wanna wait another day

_Chapter 25: And I don't wanna wait another day  
_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Wish 'em luck! (They're gonna need it…) 

My utterly wonderful Beta for this (and all my other stories) is Marina. And trust me folks, she's AWESOME. ^.^ 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_I can't really believe it, but… Minato-sensei actually replied to me today! I honestly could not be happier right now. And I feel so encouraged! And empowered. I feel empowered, Diary.  
_

_K._

XXX

Lunch was a lot more comfortable than breakfast was, I can tell you that! I think we've both finally accepted the fact that this is who we are. This is who we love. And everyone else can just go suck it. 

But as we exit the restaurant again, we get our own sick little dose of reality served right here on our doorstep. I doubt I'll ever be able to understand how Lee can be so energetic all the time, he's even worse than Gai ever was! But there he is, jumping up and down right in front of us. Blabbering on about what challenge we're going to do today. Honestly, I can think of a few. But none of those would be innocent enough to do with an audience around. _Especially_ not an audience that's definitely underage. So I keep quiet, let Gai handle the matter. Only to suddenly interrupt him mid-sentence as a thought hits me, "Say, Gai? That thing we were talking about earlier, about getting the gang back together for something… You know what I mean right?" 

For a moment, Gai looks quizzical, and I nod at his young protégé. Following my gesture, his eyes light up, "Ah, yes my rival! I remember now! Is this something your youthful mind would like to do _now?!_ " 

My mouth twitches at his obviously fake enthusiasm, but the kid seems to buy it, "Yes, Gai. I would. But only if you're a hundred percent with me on this, I don't want to be hasty here." 

"Yes, yes. Haste makes waste and all that…" His enthusiastic demeanor has slipped away, and Gai seriously ponders my question for a minute before addressing his student once more, tone serious now, "Lee, go fetch Neji, Tenten and Sakura. Then bring them…" He looks at me, "Where will we do this, Kakashi?" 

"Eh… I'd rather it'd be somewhere a little familiar, but…" 

"Not too public, is what you mean?" 

"Yeah…" I rub the back of my head, feeling more than a little uncomfortable. Telling the kids about 'us' in some restaurant could have huge repercussions, but doing it at one of our apartments… Well, Sakura would have my head. 

Gai seems to understand my hesitation, a soft smile on his face. It´s the smile that has always been reserved for me, and I finally understand why. It´s because he loves me. Gai loves me like I love him and that´s really all that matters. Something about my newly found determination must´ve showed, because Gai nods at me before turning back to his charge, "My apartment. You three have been there before, and I am certain that Sakura will find it acceptable as well," As Lee nods, running away while shouting some nonsense that he's undoubtedly picked up from his sensei, Gai mutters, "I _hope_ …" 

Swallowing nervously, I can only agree. Gai gently pulls me along, across the street and up the stairs to his apartment. As he opens the door, he throws me a worried look, "Tenten will be here also, Kakashi. She and Sakura get along, right?" 

I follow him inside, my voice soft, "I'm not sure, Gai. I honestly don't really know who Sakura gets along with anymore these days. She and Ino seem to have made up, but other than that…" 

"Right…" He sheds his shoes and flack vest, and I do the same, "But they are both girls, right? So they _should_ –" 

"From what I know about girls, they mostly hate each other's guts, Gai…" I worry the inside of my lip, fiddling with my fingers, "Although admittedly, yours may be a little harder to hate than mine…" 

He laughs, turning into his kitchen to get us both something to drink, "I am tempted to grab the sake, Kakashi…" Turning back to me, there is a slightly embarrassed smile on his face. 

For only a moment, I consider the concealed question, but then I nod, "Do it." 

XXX

As Gai opens the door, I pull up my mask before peeking out of the living room. Lee seems over-enthusiastic as always, Neji is wearing a slight frown, and Tenten is trying to talk Sakura down. This is _clearly_ not starting out so well... 

Nervously swallowing, I watch as the kids take off their shoes, shifting a little uncomfortably on Gai's oversized couch. Lee's almost-yelling voice drifts back to me, inquiring as to the nature of this sudden request, but Gai is holding down the fort for now. Taking a deep breath, I try to still my trembling hands, but it's not working so well. Lee's incessant questioning is getting on my nerves, and as Sakura also starts to sound more and more demanding, I realize that the battle will soon be over now. Gai will crack under this pressure and I am going to die. Wait, that might be exaggerating things a little, but I sure as hell will never again redeem myself in Sakura's eyes. Oh, why did I ever agree to this? 

As Gai tries to usher the teens into the living room, I can't take it anymore. Jumping up, my voice sounds about an octave too high as I offer to get everyone a drink. Of course, _I_ won't be having anything, the mask sort of prevents that, but still. If it's down to either keeping some small part of my sanity by keeping it on, or not keeling over from thirst, I'll go with sanity. 

Rushing into the kitchen, I get them the promised drinks. My hands are trembling so bad that I spill about a glass' worth of apple juice, but it can't be helped, I guess. What the hell was Gai thinking? Why would he do this to me? Doesn't he love me? Is he trying to push me over the edge? Is this whole thing a sick joke? Maybe I'm in a coma and this is my mind trying to explain to me all the reasons why loving Gai is wrong. That has to be it. My life has turned into a living hell in mere minutes. This can't be real. Please god, don't let this be real… 

"Kakashi, calm down," Gai's tone is soft, barely more than a whisper as he closes the door to the kitchen behind him, "Everything will be alright, my love. I promise. I am here too, am I not?" 

Nodding mutely, I let my head drop, my hands resting on the edge of the counter. Sighing, I try my best to calm down, startled as strong arms suddenly wrap around me. Only _barely_ holding back a girly squeak, I whimper softly instead. My voice coming out like the most humiliating pout _ever_ as I whisper my lover's name. 

"Kakashi," He breathes in my ear, "I told you to _calm down_. I love you, and nothing anyone says or does will ever change that. We will do this, my love, and we will do it _together_ ," Softly, his lips caress my neck and I cannot suppress a quiet moan. His lips just feel _too_ good. Tilting my head a little, I all but beg him to continue, but Gai chuckles lightly, lifting his head to whisper in my ear once more, "Kakashi… I hate that damned mask…" 

Almost chuckling, I bring my hands up, fingers curling around the edge of the mask. As I pull the fabric down, I shake my head just a little as I fold the mask around my neck. Turning towards my love, my lips finds his in a gentle kiss. My hands cup his ass through the thin fabric of his jumpsuit just as his hands cup my own backside. A soft moan escapes my throat and I press my body tighter against Gai's. 

"Oh, my god – I'm _so_ sorry!" 

Startled, we pull away from each other. My eye wide as I stare at the girl standing in the doorway. Tenten has pressed her fingers against her lips, a bright blush on her cheeks but a sparkle in her eyes, "I'm sorry, sensei… I'll leave you alone now," Turning on her heels, the girl all but flees back to the living room, a slight chuckle emanating from her throat as she walks away. 

I blink, stare at Gai, then blink again, "I… Think we better follow her…" 

"Yes…" His voice is a little gruff, his eyes about as focused as my own probably is. Swallowing, Gai picks up the tray with the glasses as I pull up my mask. Thank god it hides my burning cheeks – Gai does not have that luxury. I almost pity him for that. 

Following him to the living room, I am surprised to find no-one snickering. No huddled up disgusted faces. No _nothing._ Just Lee trying to convince Neji and Sakura to come training with him tomorrow morning, and Tenten quietly flipping through this month's ' _Weapons of the shinobi trade'_. It's… Odd, to say the least. 

She looks up, flashing me – or Gai, or both of us, how the hell should I know? – a quick but warm smile before returning her attention to the magazine, pointing something out to Neji who is sitting next to her on the couch. He doesn't seem particularly interested, but glad to be rid of Lee for a moment or two. I smile under my mask, not sure if I'm _only_ happy about the girl apparently keeping quiet, or if there's more to it. Maybe it's that Gai was kissing me just now – I _really_ like kissing him. Sitting down on the only available chair, I cross my legs, watching as my boyfriend – wait, _what_ did I just call him? – hands the drinks around. After that, Gai walks over to me, sitting down at my feet. Somehow, this feels… Weirdly perfect. Not that he's at my feet or anything, but the fact that he's choosing to sit so close to me. So close in fact, that our bodies are secretly touching. 

Gai clears his throat, prompting the teenagers to look up. Tenten puts the magazine away, looking up at me for a moment, she _clearly_ winks. Surprised, I'm almost tempted to point to myself as if to ask, ' _Who? Me?_ ' but I manage to contain myself. 

"We have asked you all to come here today, because… Eh, because… Well, there is… You see…" Obviously unsure how to say _anything_ beyond this point, Gai looks up at me. I swallow, glancing over at the teens for a second. Tenten smiles again, a warm and caring smile, kind of like the ones that Gai gives me but different. I take a deep breath.  
Another.  
One more. 

"I love him. I love Gai. And he loves me. End of story." 

For a few seconds, the room is quiet. But then, Sakura rises from the couch, an ominous look to her as she rests her balled fists on her hips, leaning over, "And so you gather the four of _us_ here, _just_ so you can tell us about your sex life? Why the _hell_ would we be _interested?!_ " Frowning, she looks away from us, muttering under her breath, "Bunch of perverts, the _lot_ of you…" 

Tenten opens her mouth to speak, but Neji somehow beats her to it, his tone soft and a little reproaching, "Sakura, it is a big deal that they would confide in us. You do not get the right to treat your sensei, nor mine in this fashion. In fact, I will not accept it. You will apologize to them. Right _now_ ," Clenching his teeth, the young Hyuga frowns at the pinkette, his lavender eyes harsh as he regards her with an almost threatening look. 

Sakura sighs, turning back to us, "Oh, alright… I'm sorry, sensei. That came out wrong. But –" 

Frowning again, she finds herself interrupted by Tenten's almost quiet giggles, "Came out… Oh dear, _Sakura_ … That's… Oh my…" 

Barely containing my own chuckles, I watch as now _both_ girls giggle in that girlish way that I never really understood. Huddled together on the couch, they keep repeating the phrase 'came out' over and over and over until even Gai becomes a little annoyed. I can tell. Others may not, but I can _always_ tell when Gai gets annoyed or frustrated. Maybe that's because, over the years, those feelings have mostly been aimed at _me_. But in any case, Lee puts an end to it. His tone remarkably serious – it's almost out of character – as he calmly announces that he's happy for us, but would rather we did not hide any longer. 

Nodding, Neji adds his own voice to that, "I agree. There are already rumors about the two of you, ranging from a challenge gone wrong to…" He chuckles lightly – something I've _never_ heard him do before, "Well, _this._ I would rather not see my sensei be a coward that hides his relationship from his comrades. _However_ ," Lavender eyes turn to the girls that have finally managed to calm down again, "That reaction may prove to be a prevailing one…" 

"Mm-hmm," Tenten nods, "Anko is already calling dibs on the first picture that surfaces where you guys kiss…" A secret smile plays around her lips, "She may or may not be more interested in Kakashi-sensei's face than the actual kissing part though… Lady has a point there, wouldn't you agree?" 

Gai chuckles, "She does. But such a picture will not surface. The mask does not come down for just _anyone_ , Tenten…" 

"Clearly," Winking, she picks up her glass to take a sip, then seemingly changes her mind, "That's almost a shame, you know…" She ponders half-aloud before setting the glass to her lips, her eyes smiling at me the whole time. 

I chuckle quietly, dipping my head down just a little. It's kind of nice to hear the indirect compliment on my looks, even though she shouldn't have seen them in the first place. At my feet, Gai leans his head back, resting it on my knees as he looks up at me with a warm smile on his face. His voice is quiet, "See? Did I not tell you that everything would work out alright?" 

"Hmm, yes you did," Leaning over, I cannot resist placing a soft kiss on his forehead, my arms coming around my love for a moment as I do so. 

" _Awww!_ " The squealing sound emanating from the two girls on the sofa startles me, and I pull back. But Gai holds on to my arms, winking up at me as he nestles his body tightly against mine. I smile back, risking a glance up to see what's happening on the couch exactly. The girls are huddled up, holding each other's hands tight as they look on – apparently now all of the sudden we're cute to them or something. Neji only shakes his head a little, but a small smile is playing around his lips. While next to him, Lee is doing a fist-pump, smiling wide as he positively _stares._ You know… I really don't think I like the stares much… 

"Very well then," Neji rises from the couch, "Thank you for letting us know and I wish you all the best, but I have a scheduled training with Lord Hiashi. I wish you all a good day," As he turns to the hallway, the young Hyuga pauses for a moment, regarding the two girls with a small frown on his face, "You would do well to remember that these are two of the most dangerous people you will ever meet. And you're already annoying them." 

Suppressing a chuckle, I watch as Tenten and Sakura blink. The eldest of the two quickly lets go of her peer's hands, scooting back a little as she shoots us an apologetic look. But Sakura's thoughts seem to fly off in another direction. Frowning just a little, her gaze drifts to the two of us. My arms are still around Gai, his head still laying in my lap. But he's no longer looking up at me, his eyes instead trained on the kunoichi with the dazzling pink hair and one of the most terrifying tempers of all time – to me at least. 

"Kakashi-sensei," Her tone is soft, a hint of regret laced in. Somehow it makes me a little emotional, Sakura almost sounds as if she _cares_ about me… 

"Kakashi-sensei, I'm sorry. I never meant to make you uncomfortable or anything, it's just… Ever since I started training with Lady Tsunade, I never see you anymore. You pulled away and I didn't know if that was because you were angry with me for wanting to learn from Lady Tsunade, or if it was something else. And I –" 

I shake my head softly, unable to stand this, " _You_ pulled away from _me_ , Sakura. You never said a word about wanting to train under Lady Hokage, you never even said you _were._ I had to hear from some annoying Academy sensei!" Frowning, I look away, take a deep breath, "But that's in the past now. I'm not the sensei you need or deserve, _she_ is. I just hope you'll give me another chance to see what amazing progress you're making." 

"But… You _are_ my sensei… And I _did_ tell you about it, you know…" A slight frown reappears on the girl's face, "That day after Naruto left, I came looking for you on the training grounds. And I said I wanted to learn medical ninjutsu so I wouldn't be a waste of space anymore. And all you said was 'Sure, go ahead. Why not? It's not like there's a team 7 anymore.' Do you know how much that _hurt,_ Kakashi-sensei? You _are_ still my sensei, to me at least. I thought –" A soft sob interrupts her, and as I look up I see that my student, _my own goddamned student_ , is crying. Letting go of Gai, I get up. Walking over to the couch and crouching at her feet I hesitantly place a hand on Sakura's knee. 

"Sakura… I'm sorry. I don't remember saying that, but it sounds like something I would've said at the time. I never meant to hurt you, and I never meant to say that I didn't want you around anymore. I know I've been too preoccupied with the boys for most of the time team 7 was intact, but –" 

"You weren't. You gave me enough. I just… After they left, it felt like you shut me out. And then today, Lee said you wanted to talk to me, and I guess I just thought that finally you wanted to see me again and I'm _happy_ for you and I don't _want_ to annoy you – _not_ because you're this amazing jounin but because you're my _sensei_ and I'm just… Happy for you…" 

A small smile plays around my lips and I all but whisper, "I'm happy for me too. You know what makes me the happiest right now, Sakura? That you apparently don't hate me. I was convinced that you did but you don't, do you?" 

Teary, big, green eyes turn to me, " _Never_. Well," She chuckles, " _Maybe_ when you first tested us and we couldn't figure it out and you tied Naruto to that post… And you made me think that you killed Sasuke… That was pretty bad, I guess," Smiling through her tears, Sakura looks at me with a warm expression on her face, "You're my _sensei_. You were _teaching_ us. I could never really hate you for _anything._ But…" Another chuckle shakes the girl, and her amused gaze drifts over to Gai for a second, "You two are _really_ cute together…" 


	26. Your body language says so much

_Chapter 26: Your body language says so much  
_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ And here we are, _finally_ another installment of Dear Diary. I'm so incredibly sorry for the long silence, I really am. Truth of the matter is… I'd maneuvered myself into a corner I didn't know how to get out of again. But with the help of my Beta, I managed to complete the chappy after all! I hope you'll all enjoy it, I can tell you that I did at least. So, just to be clear: This story is _not_ discontinued. I just got stuck. And I'm really busy. And I got _stuck._ Okay? I love this story, I love writing for you guys. I _do_ however, feel like I should be honest with you: The next update may take a while still. This, because I'm _still_ very busy. I write as a stress relief, but lately even _that_ much isn't really granted. But I'll do my best for you, and you know… Reviews help ;) Just saying… 

I have the fortune that one of the most amazing people in the world will Beta my work for me: Marina, you're the best! 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**And now they know. My team, what's left of Kakashi's team… We are no longer hiding, no longer living inside our private little fantasy. I no longer feel as if I am living inside a dream. Finally. I can accept that this is real. Our reality but also the reality of the rest of Konoha.  
**

**Finally, I can let myself believe it. Finally I can start thinking about a future – about our future. There are so many things I want to experience with him. With Kakashi. With the man I love. The man I finally openly love.  
**

**Kakashi and I are together. Finally.  
**

**Yours sincerely, Gai M.**

XXX

After that touching conversation between my lover and his student, we chatted just a little more. But, being the ever-perceptive person that she is, Tenten made sure to give us back our privacy soon after. 

Returning to the living room after saying goodbye to our students at the door, I find Kakashi – unmasked – draped comfortably on my couch. Smiling up at me, he motions for me to come closer. Smiling back, I do as asked, sitting down on the edge of the couch next to his slender hips and leaning over to kiss those perfect, lush lips of his. Strong arms wrap around me, pull me down on top of him as Kakashi mumbles against my lips, "Gai… I love you. I love you so much…" 

"I love you too, Kakashi," Smiling, I deepen the kiss, feeling his hands roam my back. Shifting on the spacious couch, I straddle him but I make sure not to put too much weight on his lungs again. I do not ever want to repeat that mistake. Cutting off the air supply of the man I love above all else is definitely a bad thing to do. 

His hands travel to my ass. Cupping, stroking, squeezing a little. An involuntary moan escapes me, and I feel something stiffening between my legs. His name falls off my lips in a whispered pant, my hands instinctively searching for something to touch. Without realizing, I sit back up on my knees, leaning over so my hands have free reign to roam Kakashi's chest. 

He chuckles, but then lets out a low moan, his hips all but bucking under me. The single eye that is usually visible has fallen closed, his pants coming out from between parted lips. His hands are wandering over my legs, kneading a little at times but mostly just… _There._ Unable to resist and without even thinking about it, I let my hands wander to the buttons on Kakashi's shirt. Undoing one, I feel my eyes widen a little in anticipation. Undoing the second, my hands tremble. Undoing the third, the throbbing between my legs becomes almost incessant. Undoing the fourth – my hands are suddenly stopped by Kakashi's paler and leaner ones. His eye wide open, his mouth all but closed. White, pearly teeth sink into the bright cherry of his lower lip, a hot blush residing on his cheeks. 

For a few moments, we just stare at each other. I know what I want, but I'm not sure if he's ready for the same thing. I don't even really know if _I'm_ ready for it. Swallowing, I pull my hands back, rest them on my legs as I wait. I do not know what I am waiting _for_ , but I'm waiting nonetheless. For a few more seconds, Kakashi lies all but frozen. But then his hands cover mine once more, gently squeezing just a little. 

A small smile appears on his face, a naughty one. One hand slips under mine, while the other grabs a gentle but firm hold. Slowly, Kakashi starts to lift my hand, all the while smiling that little smile that I already love. Agonizingly slow, he guides my hand. I do not dare hold out hope, though I do not dare renounce said hope either. 

Kakashi's gaze is locked into mine, a sparkle in his eye. I do not even dare breathe, lest it might disturb this bubble that we have suddenly found ourselves in. I see nothing but Kakashi's sparkling eye, his little smile. I hear nothing but his soft and shallow breath, all but drowned out by my beating heart. I am aware of nothing but Kakashi and me. Right here and now. Nothing else matters. 

The hand that guides my own does so at a pace so leisurely I momentarily worry I might die of old age before it reaches its destination. Somehow that makes me smile a little, and I watch in awe as Kakashi's little smile widens just barely – turning into an amused smirk. The little wrinkles around his eye appear again, Kakashi is enjoying this! This painfully slow pace, this… _Teasing._

Of _course_ he does… 

Finally, _finally_ I can feel the fabric of his pants under my fingertips. Wanting to know where he is guiding me _exactly_ , I almost look down. But something about Kakashi's eye, his amused smirk holds me back. He doesn't _want_ me to know yet – that much is clear. This man is teasing me, playing around a little while all I can really think about is my own throbbing flesh and his – hopefully – throbbing flesh. 

Gently, Kakashi pushes my hand down. The skin underneath his uniform pants is warm, almost hot even. Still it is not the place I was hoping for. But before I even have a chance to react to the disappointment that floods my body, I can fell his _other_ hand, pushing slightly against my own. 

Slowly, he creeps over my skin. The pace seemingly even slower then when he guided _my_ hand. Though this time the journey isn't as long, as he rests his own hand on my body where my hand rests on his. The naughty smile is back, and he winks. Does he mean to say 'your move'? 

For a few more seconds, I wait. Unsure how far I'm allowed to go. Was it not Kakashi that stopped me only earlier today? But he brought us _this_ far, hasn't he? My hand acts on its own, gently massaging Kakashi's inner thigh just a little. He moans softly, his own hand now mirroring my actions. Biting back my own moan, I smile as I listen to his. There is something cute about it, even though Kakashi is most definitely manly. His eye all but closed, he watches me intently through his eyelashes. The smirk has dissipated, instead his teeth are once again biting down on his lower lip. Kakashi's hand seems to almost be getting restless, the gentle massage slowly turning into something a little more determined. Almost trembling, I follow his example. 

I cannot take this any longer! My hand inching toward the bulge in my lover's pants that is radiating warmth, promising to be the most exciting thing my hand has ever touched. Letting out a quaky breath, Kakashi follows my lead, his own hand closing in on my throbbing member. 

I bite my lip, suddenly nervous. Suddenly, this is too much. Suddenly, I cannot bear the thought of him touching me, cannot even bear the thought of touching _him_. As if I've burned myself, I pull back my hand, wanting to pull his away from my body as well. But Kakashi's already let his hand drop, the smile returning to his face. He chuckles silently, but does not speak. I am left wondering what Kakashi is thinking, but do not ask. Too focused on forcing my lungs to take in air once more. 

His cheeky smile turns soft, and Kakashi cocks his head just slightly. The hand that was guiding mine dangling loosely between his slightly parted legs, the other laying calmly where I've left it – a hair's breath away from his groin. Swallowing, I realize my eyes are glued to that hand – the one that's only _this_ far removed from the place where mine would be if I hadn't chickened out. 

He chuckles again, commanding my eyes to look at his face for a brief moment. I catch Kakashi's quick wink, but my gaze is already drawn back to his hand once more. I know there is a teasing smile playing around his lips, I do not need to see. 

"Gai," His sultry whisper sends a shiver down my spine, "You're hot…" 

Swallowing, I watch as his hand moves up just a little, cupping his own erection through his pants. Sweat beads down my back as I watch that hand move, massaging ever so slightly. A soft whimper escapes my lips, all but drowned out by Kakashi's equally soft moan. 

His hand is moving excruciatingly slow, his soft sounds stroking my ears and singing through my blood. My eyes are glued to that slowly moving hand. His name falls off my slightly parted lips, and Kakashi chuckles quietly, "You like watching this, Gai?" 

Licking my dry lips, I swallow hard. But I cannot manage a reply, only nodding mutely as his hand quickens the pace just barely. His breath picks up a little, soft moans falling off lush, delectable lips. 

"Gai… Ah… You're making me so hot…" 

My lips tremble, watching the man I've always loved beyond all else stroking himself, watching me watch him. A low moan escapes me, my hand unconsciously wandering to my own sex. Rubbing gently just shy of actually touching myself. Gasping at the sensations shooting through my body I realize I have never before in my life touched myself in the company of anyone else. I have never before even _thought_ of it. But now I'm _doing_ it. Loving it. My grip becomes firmer, drawing another low moan from my lips as Kakashi lightly chuckles once more. 

"That's it… Ah, _yes_ Gai… That's it…" 

Suddenly feeling more than a little self-conscious, I realize I'm not going to last long. Not long at all. In fact, another minute or so is probably all that I have. 

Out of nowhere, Kakashi lets out a deep, guttural moan, his body tensing up beneath me for just a few seconds before relaxing once more. His face – oh dear lord, his _face_ – together with the almost unbelievable sexiness of that sound makes waves crash through my body, through my mind. Collapsing atop him, my vision goes black. 

"Hey," A gentle hand strokes my hair, the other arm wrapped around me lovingly, "You doing okay there?" 

Chuckling lightly, I close my eyes even tighter. This is… Embarrassing. Here I am, laying atop Kakashi – probably squishing his lungs once again – trembling lightly and with a wet patch in my jumpsuit that's so undeniably there I could not ignore it if my life were to depend on it. 

A breathless chuckle is my reply, "Say, Gai…? Did we or did we not discuss the thing about crushing my lungs? The lack of oxygen is making it a little hard to remember right now…" 

Blinking, I shoot up. Sitting back on my knees, I automatically straddle him once more, "Kakashi… My love, I am _so_ sorry!" 

Watching him take a deep breath, a quiet but relieved sigh leaves my lips. But then Kakashi chuckles again, winking as he vaguely gestures towards the wet patch I've been trying _so_ hard to ignore existed… 

"But hey, it's totally worth the view…" 

Cheeks burning, I move away from him. Pulling up my knees, I retreat to the other side of the couch. Shifting, Kakashi sits up as well. Legs still spread, he leans his back against the armrest, "Totally worth it. Until we get to the _very_ uncomfortable feeling of having the same situation going on downstairs," His chuckle sounds embarrassed, "Don't you feel the same…?" 

I can feel the corners of my mouth twitch, "To an extent…" 

" _Gai_ …" He pouts, "Come _on_ … You're hot and all, and I kinda like what we just did, but… I, eh… This is…" Kakashi swallows visibly, his hands clearly itching to pull the mask back up. 

"Do you want to take a shower?" My voice is soft, insecurity radiating through, "You could borrow something to wear after…" 

Smiling softly, he nods, "Please."

XXX

As the water cascades down Kakashi's perfect body, I find myself in my own bedroom. Beyond frustrated as I'm pulling clothes out of drawers left and right. All I can find are green jumpsuits! I do not have a basic uniform _anywhere!_ How is this even possible?! I have uniforms, right? Right?! 

Apparently not. 

Sinking down on my bed, I glumly look around. There is a jumpsuit in my hands, and I grip the fabric tight, frowning at it. This isn't what Kakashi wants to wear. This isn't what he wants to show himself in! He would be embarrassed to death! He will _hate_ me for this! 

Dropping my head in my hands, I stifle my quiet sobs. Kakashi will hate me for this. Kakashi will never forgive me. Why can't I just have _one_ single uniform? Just the pants, it's all I need. Really, why don't I own a standard pair of Konoha uniform pants?! What on earth is wrong with me? 

In the bathroom, the water is being turned off. Taking one last deep breath, I make my decision. Conjuring up a bright smile, I stand. Moving over to the bathroom, I brush the stray tears from my face. Opening the door just a _little_ , my voice booms through the apartment, sounding happy and self-assured far beyond how I actually feel, "Here you are my rival, my love! I have brought for you clothes that will show the determination of your youth!" 

A small sigh sounds from the other side of the door, "Gai… Please tell me that's a standard uniform and not something… Green…" 

"Eh… It is… A uniform of sorts…?" 

Another sigh sounds, immediately followed by Kakashi's small chuckle, "Fine Gai, just give it…" Pulling the door open, he extends his hand. But I don't hand the jumpsuit off. My mind is nowhere near remembering that that was the reason I'm here right now. I'm staring. Gawking. In complete and utter awe. 

Kakashi's only nod towards modesty is the small towel wrapped around his waist. His skin is glistening with water, hair dripping. My eyes follow a drop of water as it falls from silver locks, trailing a path across a muscular but lean chest, over a sixpack that will haunt my dreams till the day I die. Seeing that small drop of water disappear into the towel, my stomach lurches in jealousy. I would give anything to be able to be that little drop of water, to travel across Kakashi's pale, perfect skin. To disappear behind that drenched towel. I gulp, suddenly becoming aware of where I am, who I am, what my current position is. 

"Here!" Thrusting the jumpsuit towards the dream come to life that Kakashi is, I avert my eyes, "I will go make us some tea!" Turning on my heels, I flee. Did I think I was embarrassed before? That is nothing compared to how I feel now. _Nothing!  
_

As I go through the motions of preparing our tea, I try my hardest not to let my thoughts wander back to the enticing thoughts of Kakashi's near naked body. I violently fight to urge to pretend that I am indeed that drop of water. Harshly, I yank my thoughts away from thinking about trailing that path with my tongue. But as I walk back into my living room, all those efforts prove wasted. In vain. 

Kakashi has seated himself on the same chair he occupied while our students were here. Ankle resting comfortably on his knee, arms wide and resting on the back of the chair. He's let his head fall back, looking completely relaxed. All this would make me smile, would make me feel happy that he's so comfortable. It would make me feel at ease as well – but damn it all, I never realized just _how_ skin tight my bodysuits are! Even Kakashi's smaller frame is perfectly outlined, delectably so. 

As his head languidly rolls back, a slow smile spreads across Kakashi's face. His gaze lazily drags over my body and a tongue peeks out to wet perfect lips. For a few more seconds, I am frozen in Kakashi's look, swallowing hard as he hoarsely whispers, "Yes Gai. Are you starting to realize why I've always enjoyed your taste in clothing…?"


	27. You need me desperately

**Dear Diary**

 _Chapter 27: You need me desperately_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Diary time! Kakashi-style ^,^ 

I have the fortune that one of the most amazing people in the world will Beta my work for me: Marina, you're the best! 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_His hands were touching me all over, his lips caressingly following suit. Trailing hot, wet kisses all over my chest, Gai slowly makes his way down. As he lays soft kisses over my stomach, my breath hitched in my throat, hands instinctively burying themselves in dark locks.  
_

_Gai was moving lower still, nose gently nudging the revealing bulge in my underwear. A low moan escaped me then, and he chuckled ever so softly. Looking up, his eyes connected to mine, and Gai smiled at me. We didn't need words to convey what we wanted, didn't even really need to look at each other. His hands crept down my sides, slowly pulling down my boxers.  
_

_I wasn't feeling nervous or anxious at all. I was totally comfortable as Gai placed a soft kiss on my throbbing erection. He shifted a little, and my boxers suddenly vanished.  
_

_His hands were stroking my hips, his soft lips caressing the inside of my thighs. He was humming softly, showing me how much he was enjoying this. Resting back on my elbows, I watched him. My breaths came out as shallow pants, often interrupted by quiet moans or whimpers. I realized I was sounding rather pathetic – what with this being the stuff dreams are made off – but Gai never made me feel like there was anything wrong with it.  
_

_I watched him shift again, watched as his lips slipped around my cock. Gasping, I let my head fall back and a throaty moan fell from my lips. Gai was amazing, the way his lips moved, the way his tongue stroked all the right places. Undoing, unraveling, unending.  
_

_The sensations seemed to last almost forever, but when a familiar heat pooled in the pit of my stomach, that was the exact right moment. Gai hummed softly as he swallowed, smiled as he looked up, kissed me passionately as he moved his body up to lean over my own. Mumbled against my lips, telling me how much he loved me, listing all the things he would do for me, telling me how desperately he needed me, how badly he wanted to take care of me in every way that he could.  
_

_I opened my eyes, gazing up at the ceiling. Hands folded behind my head as a deep sigh escaped me. I hate these dreams, Diary. I hate them. I hate how they warp reality and make it almost too good to be true – before revealing that it isn't, in fact, true. These dreams make me long for the man I love with all my heart, but they also make me long for things that I know Gai would not be able to do. I don't even know if I want him to do those things. All I know is this, Diary… It sucks to wake up with a boner and have no-one to suck it for you. That's all I'll say about this.  
_

_K._


	28. Don't let me be the last to know

**Dear Diary**

 _Chapter 28: Don't let me be the last to know_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Another Diary, Gai's this time. Also… Has anyone figured out the deal with the chapter titles yet…? 

My more than amazing Beta is called Marina. And no, you can´t have her. All mine :P 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**Several years ago I ordered a book. It was embarrassing, so right after it arrived I put it away again. I find myself looking at it right now however. It is laying on the covers of my bed as I write this. I wonder if I should read it. I wonder why I never did before. I wonder why I bought it. I wonder what Kakashi would think if he saw it.  
**

**He would laugh. I am certain he would laugh. Still… I doubt he would fault me for this. I sincerely believe he would most likely be… Proud.  
**

**The fiasco we had yesterday is playing through my mind. Over and over again. I got so close, but lost my nerve. Kakashi does not blame me for this. I know he does not. We talked about it. About how we are both nervous. Would Kakashi wish to read the book also? Or does he know the contents already? Would it not be incredibly funny if he had purchased the exact same book? When would he have purchased it? Years ago, like me? Or later, closer to present times?  
**

**I know I am acting rather ridiculous and un-youthful-like. I should man up and open at least the cover already. I will. Just… Open it at random.  
**

**Oh my… This… This I cannot do. I will return the book to its hiding place. "A Real Man's Love, A Guide To Gay Sex" will never see the light of day again!  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M.**


	29. I wanna hear you say the words

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter 29: I wanna hear you say the words_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ I know it's been forever (and a couple more days) and I deeply and sincerely apologize. I was so stuck on this story that I didn't even manage to put a single sentence down for weeks. But, here's the latest chapter, I hope you'll like it! 

Thank you Marina, for your amazing Beta. I couldn't have done it without you ^,^ 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_Please tell me yesterday didn't happen! If you tell me Diary, I promise I will believe you.  
_

_Honestly, I have no idea where that bout of confidence came from yesterday, and I still can't believe I actually wore one of Gai's jumpsuits! This is all so embarrassing…  
_

_K.  
_

My eyes drift over to the green spandex that is still hanging off the back of my chair. I can't believe I _wore_ that! _Outside!_ Okay, to be fair, I didn't leave Gai's place till after dark. I'm pretty sure no-one saw… 

Rising from my place on the bed, I stretch my back before carefully placing my Diary back into its drawer. Sighing, I glance at the abomination of green once more. I should wash it and return it. But it still vaguely smells of Gai. As does my hair, which I should wash anyway. My hair needs a lot of attention after all. But I just can't seem to get myself to get around to either of those tasks. Erasing Gai's smell from my apartment is… Just not feasible at this time. 

Stepping out onto my balcony, there is a bounce in my step. Locking the door behind me, I can feel a smile tug at my lips. Yes, I'm horribly embarrassed about it, but the fact that Gai and I jacked off together still remains. And oh boy did he look _hot!  
_

Jumping down to the street, I'm hardly aware of where I'm going, my trusty Icha Icha in hand. The people around me make sure I don't bump into anyone and it almost feels like entire buildings step aside when I get too close. That's probably my imagination, though. Still, this is a happy day. A good day. Gai is mine, and we're not hiding it, and I'm on my way to have breakfast with him once more. 

All of that is great, but right now… Right now I'm entranced by my book. Or rather, the possibilities in it. Something seems to have changed. A new light being shed on the way the characters interact with each other. By now, I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure that the storyline that I'd picked up on when I first read this book, the storyline that Jiraiya dropped, that it's… Really there. There _are_ hints of a gay couple, or at least a gay character in Icha Icha. I bloody _knew_ it! 

"Kakashi-sensei!" 

Blinking, I look up. Sakura is beaming at me, hands folded behind her back, eyes sparkling, "Kakashi-sensei, I've been thinking – " 

Do I really want to know what she's been thinking _of_? Probably not. It's probably going to involve Gai and me, and I'm just not ready to have that kind of conversation yet. Boys are still kind of a mystery to teenage girls, like girls are kind of a mystery to teenage boys. I _like_ it that way. It's a status quo I've taken advantage of numerous times. I don't want to have to explain to her what Gai and I _do_ together – mostly because I have no clue. I mean, I know what I'd _like_ to do, but… I'm pretty sure that's not happening. Not anytime soon anyway, "Sakura…" My voice comes out weak, and I swallow hard. But before I can open my mouth again, she interrupts me. 

"I wanted to show you how far I've come, Kakashi-sensei," Hopeful eyes peer up at me but I'm too surprised to actually respond. Sakura frowns lightly, "You know, with my medical ninjutsu…?" 

Oh… Right… We _did_ sort of agree to be a part of each other's lives again. And I want to, I really want to. But right now… "Sakura, I'm sort of on my way somewhere…" 

"Off to meet Gai-sensei?" She smiles a little naughtily, "I ran into Tenten earlier. She said Gai-sensei didn't have time for training either." 

"Eh…" Rubbing the back of my head, I slip Icha Icha back into my pouch, "We were going to have breakfast together, yes. Do you… Do you mind?" 

"Oh sensei! Of course I don't mind!" Smiling brightly, Sakura cocks her head a little, "How about we meet after lunch? One o'clock? That way you two have some time together." 

"Ah, yes. Thank you, Sakura," She nods, continuing on her way. As the chuunin walks off, she turns back to me, "I'll meet you in front of the library, okay sensei?" 

I smile at her. A real smile. Raising my hand a little, I nod, "One o'clock, library. See you there, Sakura." 

As I round the corner, there is a bounce in my step, a smile on my face and chuckles all but forcing their way up. I'm… Happy. Really happy. I love Gai, Gai loves me. Things with Sakura are going to work out, I'm sure of it. 

Nearing the restaurant across from Gai's apartment building – It's quickly becoming our regular place – I can feel a blush starting to creep up. Gai will be here. The guy that I jacked off in front of yesterday. And after that I completely embarrassed myself talking about the spandex jumpsuit and how much I love seeing Gai wearing it. I totally went off on a rant about how much I love the way he looks in his outfit, how much I love watching the outline of every single muscle as he flexes them. How I've been replaying every single move of his over and over in my head for years. About how I don't like the flack jacket on him, simply because it obstructs my view. I… Completely embarrassed myself. My pace slows, my hesitation grows and suddenly… I don't want to be here anymore. But as my name is called out a _second_ time today, I realize I don't really have too much of a choice. Besides, I love him right? I want to be with him. We'll just have to try to get past the awkward together. Crinkling my eye, I raise my hand, "Gai, good morning!" 

Immediately frowning, Gai freezes on the spot, "What is wrong?" 

Taken aback by his sudden coolness, I frown too, "Nothing, why?" 

"You are doing that fake eye-smile again, my rival. You… Do you not want to be here? Do you not want to…" Inching closer, he finishes his sentence in a quiet but clearly hurt whisper, "Be with _me_?" 

I swallow hard. Busted. Sighing, I turn to the door, "Can we please talk about this inside, Gai?" I don't wait for a reply, instead making my way inside and to the nearest privacy booth. Behind me, I can hear Gai following, but I don't look back. After sitting down next to each other in the small booth, we give our order to the waiter that arrived only seconds after Gai before closing the door of the privacy booth. 

"Gai… Look…" Unsure how to continue, I stare down at my hands. I don't really know how to say this, or even _what_ exactly I want to say. I just want to… Calm him down, I guess? 

"Is this about yesterday?" His voice sounds even, emotionless. It hurts. 

"In a way? I mean, it's not like… _Gai_ …" I sigh, "Look, I _want_ to be with you. I love you. But… I got… Embarrassed, about what happened yesterday…" 

"And you think I did not?" 

"Eh…" My hand rubs the back of my head. Honestly, I'd never thought about it. 

"Kakashi –" Gai interrupts himself with a sigh, swallows hard and then sighs again, "At least you – You have…" Another small sigh before he whispers, "Experience…" 

I can't help a small embarrassed smile, not wanting to seem closed off I make the conscious decision to pull down the mask before grabbing Gai's hand, "Not with this, Gai. We're pretty much on even ground here. I… I _wish!"_ As his eyes shoot up to my face, and embarrassed chuckle escapes me, "Gai… If I _did_ have any experience with another man, I wouldn't be so fucking _awkward_ all the time. Trust me." 

A crooked smile appears on my lover's face as he lets his fingers run ever so softly over the back of my hand, "I want to, Kakashi. I really do. I'm just…" 

"Nervous. I know, same here." 

A polite knock on the door interrupts us, and I use my free hand to pull up the mask. Gai uses _his_ free hand to slide the door open, allowing the waiter to see our joined hands lying on the table like it was the most normal thing in the world. And it _is_ – for straight couples. To his honor, the waiter barely glances at our hands. His cheeks might be coloring ever so lightly, but his tone is the same as always, "Good morning gentlemen. Here is your breakfast for this morning, I hope that you'll enjoy." 

I can't help it, leaning sideways on the comfortable couch, I rest my body against Gai's, "Oh we _will_ , don't worry," I wink, almost chuckling as Gai immediately wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me even closer against his body. 

In front of us, the young man shakes his head a little, chuckling, "Darn guys… You just lost me my bet!" 

I blink, knowing Gai is most likely doing the same. His tone a little disbelieving as he stutters, "Y-your bet…?" 

"Yeah," Smiling, he relaxes, "Chef and I bet that you wouldn't reveal yourself. I said it was only a matter of time, Chef said never. And then that girl," Pointing at his fellow waitress he smiles again, "She said it would be within two weeks, because – " Frowning, he muttered, "What did she say again? Oh, right," Another chuckle shakes the young man, "Lovebirds just can't help themselves. Honestly, I thought she was just making up an excuse to make out with her boyfriend whenever he shows up but it seems her words actually hold some merit…" Sighing dramatically, he winks, "Looks like I'll be saving up for that couch a little longer…" One more smiling wink and he closes the door, leaving us alone once more. 

Turning to Gai, I chuckle, "So much for us keeping things under wraps, huh?" 

He doesn't reply, only smiling at me before lifting his arm off my shoulders and pulling his plate towards him. Gai's cheeks are a little red, his movements a little less sure than what I'm used to from him. He's embarrassed. I think. Did I do that? Did I do something wrong? Is he reconsidering this whole thing after all? Am I really _that_ much of a prick that I scared away the person I've loved for my entire life by pulling a dick move on him? Silently, I scoot away from him a little, pull my own plate towards me. Taking off my mask feels almost difficult. I can feel my shoulders slumping slightly as I pick up my chopsticks. 

As we start eating, the silence grows thick and heavy. I don't know what to say anymore, don't know what to do. Closing both eyes for a second, I try to quell the nausea bubbling up inside me. There's a shifting noise beside me, but I keep my eyes closed. I feel like I'm about to throw up. I messed this up big time, didn't I? 

Something pushes up against my arm, pushing it away from my plate. I don't care. I'm just not cut out to be with anyone. I drive people away – even into death or the enemy's embrace. I'm just… Horrible. 

Gai pushes his body against mine, his arm coming around me once again. I don't know what to make of that. I don't understand. Lips tickle my ear as he whispers, "Kakashi, get out of your head. Open your eyes." 

Swallowing, I do as asked. My gaze lingering on my plate as I do not dare look up. I chuckle, my vision going blurry, to the point that I can no longer read the words that Gai spelled out with rice grains on a spot of my plate that he cleared of food: _'I will never stop loving you_.'


	30. My friends say you're so into me

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter 30: My friends say you're so into me_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ I apologize, deeply, _deeply_ apologize for the long wait. I got stuck and I got too busy to get the creative juices flowing again and…. It's a lousy excuse, I know. But it's all I got. 

Marina, thank you for your Beta. I love you ^,^ 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**I have to agree with Kakashi; I wish I had more experience as well. I imagine that if I felt like I knew what I was doing, I would not feel so awkward. But at the same time, maybe it is for the best. I have no previous notions about how a relationship is supposed to be. All I know for certain is this: I love Kakashi Hatake and I always will.  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M.  
**

XXX

I am not entirely sure how this 'flirting thing' is supposed to work. But I think I did alright this time. Kakashi has relaxed once more and the remainder of our breakfast was consumed in a much more comfortable atmosphere. 

Kakashi is walking over to the register to pay for our meal and I use this short time to let my mind wander, thinking about nothing in particular. My gaze follows him out of pure habit, eyes registering the slight sway of his hips, the way his uniform pants leave just about everything up to the imagination. I have always kind of liked that about the Konoha uniform, it makes me feel like less of a pervert for watching him. Apparently Kakashi is my complete opposite on the subject, I can't say I'm surprised. 

"Ready to go?" His tone is light, happy. It makes me smile just a little bit. Nodding, I follow him out. Kakashi seems to have decided we're going to my apartment. For a moment, I almost want to protest, but then I figure we might as well. His apartment is almost on the other side of town. Still, he seems to pick up on my slight hesitation, his voice small as he asks me if this is okay. 

"It is fine, Kakashi. Though one of these days, I'd very much like to hang out at your apartment for a change…" 

He turns to me, walking backwards through the hallway leading up to my door. One finger raised, he cocks his head a little, "But your place is larger. And you have a couch. More space. On the _couch_ …" 

Involuntarily chuckling, I dig around in my pouch for my keys, "That is not the _point_ , Kakashi. Besides, you have room..." 

"Where?" Clearly confused, he steps aside so I can open the door. 

Stepping inside, I purposely ignore his question for the time being. Shedding my shoes and flack vest, I continue on to my kitchen, "Do you want some tea?" 

"Yeah, sure…" Ditching his own shoes and flack vest, Kakashi hesitates just inside the door, "What did you mean, Gai…?" 

But I don't reply. I'm starting to think I never should have brought it up in the first place. As I get the tea ready, Kakashi doesn't interrupt me. Feeling more than a little relieved at that, I carry our tea over to the living room. Setting the cups down on my coffee table before sitting down next to him. Kakashi is sitting cross-legged on the couch, his back against the armrest. The same armrest he sat against just yesterday, right after we – can I call that having sex? Probably not… 

"Gai," Kakashi's tone is serious but calm, his gaze almost piercing, "Please tell me what you were trying to say earlier. My mind is running around in circles trying to figure it out and I think I might be going insane because the only things that I can come up with are things that I'm pretty sure you'd never say…" 

I swallow hard, "Exactly. So I don't say it. Just leave it, Kakashi. I was only joking anyway…" 

"No, you weren't. I can tell the difference between a joke and nerves, Gai. Now, you were saying I have room…?" 

My gaze is drawn towards my knees as I'm too scared to look up. I can only whisper, tears of embarrassment stinging in my eyes, "On your bed. You have room on your bed. Because you have a double bed and I don't. That's what I was trying to say…" 

He leans over towards me, a warm smile in his voice, "That's what I thought. So we're _both_ interested in doing a little more, huh?" 

Sighing, I lift my eyes, "I'm still very nervous, Kakashi…" 

"I know. Me too," Shrugging lightly, he reaches for his tea, "But now at least I know what you were talking about. In any case…" He seems to hesitate for a few seconds, attempting to cover it up by taking a small sip of his tea, "We'll get to that eventually, if we both feel we want to. For now, can we just… Talk about something else?" 

Picking up my own cup, I nod, "There was quite the crowd at the gate this morning. I'm not sure why, but most of the jounin and tokubetsu were there when I returned from my laps…" 

"Odd…" Cocking his head to the side, Kakashi ponders my words for a few minutes. We slip into another comfortable silence. My hand decides to rest on Kakashi's knee on its own accord, it feels safe and comfortable to touch him like this. Kakashi doesn't seem to mind at least. Since he doesn't do anything to stop me, I decide this should be just fine. Drinking my tea at a leisurely pace, I feel… Happy. Completely at peace. 

"Did they say anything to you?" 

"What?" Baffled, I stare at him, "What are you talking about?" 

"The gathered jounin and tokubetsu at the gate, did they say anything to you?" 

Shaking my head a little, I throw him a confused look, "I was training. Most people know better than to interrupt me while I am training. Only Izumo and Kotetsu still bother me when I'm trying to do my push-ups. But Genma was also there, he most likely told them to keep their stupid mouths shut for a change. It would be like him." 

"Hmmm… Maybe," Flashing me a quick smile, Kakashi sets his tea away, "Let's not talk about it anymore." 

"Alright…" Thoroughly confused, I follow his lead and put my cup aside. Shifting a little on the couch so that I face him, I offer Kakashi a small smile, "Then what do you want to talk about?" 

He grins back at me, "You, me. Lips, tongues. Honestly, I don't want to talk at all," Leaning in, he captures my lips, hands immediately coming up to cup my face. 

Smiling against his lips, I bring my arms around him, pulling Kakashi a little closer to me. He slides closer still, rising up on his knees for a moment before settling himself on my lap. A little surprised, I pull out of our kiss, throwing him a puzzled look. He chuckles lightly, whispering, "Am I too heavy or something?" 

"No… I just," A smile breaks out on my face, "I wasn't expecting it. But I like having you here," Recapturing his lips, I wrap my arms even tighter around him. 

We languidly kiss, taking our sweet time. When we finally part again, Kakashi chuckles a little embarrassedly. Looking away, his tone is soft, "Well… This is something I've never done before…" He shifts a little awkwardly on my lap, I swallow. 

Letting go of him, my eyes search his face, "You do not _have_ to, Kakashi. I admit I like it but if it makes you uncomfortable…" 

"Not really… Okay," He flashes me a little smile, "Maybe it does. But I like it too. I just… I guess I'm not used to being the slighter of the two," Chuckling, he raises a finger, "Only did that once before, it was a disaster…" 

Is he…? Is he trying to tell me he's had a relationship with another man before after all? What is he trying to say? Swallowing hard, I look away, "I… See…" 

He seems unaware of my awkwardness, chuckling lightly as he leans back on my lap a little, "Never date an Akimichi, that's all I'm saying. At least not when you don't want to go broke on a first date, get smacked in the face so hard you're seeing stars when you try to kiss her and prefer to keep your ribs intact when she finally _does_ decide a little making out is okay…" Tapping his chin thoughtfully, I can feel him gazing at me out of the corner of his eye, "Gai…" He speaks slowly, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings…" 

"It… It's alright, Kakashi," I swallow once more to push back the tears, "I am aware that you have dated before. I would just… Prefer to… Not hear about it…" 

"I'm sorry, Gai," Sighing softly, he pushes back until he is seated on the couch once more, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable…" 

"I know," Smiling softly, I reach for my tea, "It's just that… Sometimes… I must admit that I'm a little envious. You – " Swallowing thickly, I cannot continue. 

"Gai, I told you… I don't really have any experience with this either." 

Sighing, I look away, "Yes you do. You have experience. I wasn't your first ever kiss. I'm not the first person to ever touch you. I am not the first person _you_ have ever touched," Taking a deep breath, I put my empty teacup down and get up. Throwing Kakashi a serious look, I wait for him to look back at me, "I don't mind it, Kakashi. In a way, it's quite pleasurable to know that the person who embodies all my firsts is also my first love. To know that he has been thinking about _me_ for years also. But please, do not expect me to be alright with hearing about all of your little side adventures because I'm not. I know that you make use of your experience whether you are aware of it or not, but I would rather not be verbally reminded of all the people – all the _women_ – that have been allowed to touch you where I still cannot. Please find a way for me to not have to hear about it," Turning, I pick up the empty teacups and head for the kitchen. I need a little room and I am sure Kakashi does too. Thinking about all his previous dates and relationships, realizing how many of them there really are, imagining how those women would touch the man that I have always loved – it makes me feel physically sick. 

"Gai…" His tone is soft as he leans against the doorframe of my kitchen, "I'm sorry… I never want to hurt you, it's just that… Well… It's a part of my past, you know? It's not that I'm trying to rub your face in it or anything, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with hiding it from you either. I've never had a relationship where I felt at ease enough to show all that I am, all that I _have_ been before. But with you, I feel like I can," He sighs softly, "And now you're basically telling me I can't after all…" 

Swallowing hard, I finally turn around to face the man that I love, "I'm… I'm not telling you to hide it, Kakashi. I just…" 

"You don't want to hear about it," His tone is lifeless and it makes my heart ache, "That's the same thing, Gai…" 

I close my eyes for a moment, worrying the inside of my lip, "Kakashi… I honestly don't mean to say that you have to hide it. It's just… Could you maybe… At least not be too specific about the different ones? I know I might be asking for too much here after all, but… I just…" 

"You don't want to feel like I'm comparing you, that it?" A hint of understanding has crept into his soft tone and Kakashi moves to stand a little closer. 

Taking a deep breath, I nod. My hand instinctively reaches for his as my eyes refuse to look at him, "I feel… I constantly feel like I'm not good enough, Kakashi. I feel like… You'd rather I was a woman. But I'm not, I'm –" 

"A guy. An amazing, strong and gentle guy. A guy that's so much more than any woman could ever be. A guy that's more stunning than anything I've ever seen before, that makes me feel safer than I've ever felt before. You're a _guy_ , Romeo. And I love that about you too." 

I carefully look at him once more. Kakashi is smiling softly, his head cocked to the side in that way that always makes my heart beat a little faster. His grip on my hand tightens for a brief moment and his smile widens a little, "I'm in love with you, Maito Gai. I have been for a very long time. But yes, I also happen to find women attractive – well," His smile turns a little cheeky for a moment, " _Some_ of them. But they all pale in comparison to you, Gai. Because I love you more than life itself. I want you to know that – to really, _really_ know that. I know that my little escapades over the years have hurt your feelings, even though I wasn't aware of it at the time. But now, I want you to understand something… If it hadn't been for the experience I gained then, I would have never had the guts to even _touch_ you. I'd be paralyzed with the fear of not knowing what to do. Trust me, I've been there already. You're not like me, you are strong enough to try stuff out – even if it's for the first time. I'm not strong like that, Gai…" 

I have to blink a couple times to clear my vision, "Kakashi… I can only try things out like that because I know I'm with _you_. I love you. And I know that you love me. I feel safe because I know you wouldn't just make fun of me for trying, even though it might be amusing to you. If I weren't with _you_ …" 

Closing the small distance between us, Kakashi smiles softly. His tone a mere whisper as he leans ever closer, "Well then, that only makes me happier that you're with _me_ , then," His lips gently touch my own and as I close my eyes I can feel my body relaxing into his touch.

XXX

"Oh god…" His fingers feel cold against my hot skin as they slowly creep over chest. Involuntarily, my hips move up a little, pressing my even hotter flesh up against his leg. My back lifts itself from the couch as Kakashi straddles one of my legs, one hand ghosting over my stomach, his lips attacking my own as our tongues are engaged in the most beautiful of dances. 

"Gai…" His tone is caught between a moan and a whisper, sending shivers of pleasure and anticipation down my spine, "Gai… Oh fuck, Gai… You're so hot…" His lips leave mine, slowly making their way along my jaw, traveling down across my neck. All the while he keeps moaning softly, keeps making it harder and harder to think. My breathing is heavy, my hands groping at the back of his undershirt as his tongue easily finds my most sensitive spot. A needy moan sounds through the room and I'm slightly embarrassed to realize it's my own. In the distance, I can hear the Academy's bells ringing, signaling the start of their lunchbreak – or maybe it's the end of their lunchbreak, I honestly don't know. Don't care either. But all of the sudden, Kakashi shoots up, a bewildered look in his eye as he stares at me, "Gai… Fuck, what time is it?" 

"What time…?" Confused, I look on as he scrambles to get up, panic in his eye as he finds my clock, "Kakashi, what's going on…?" Hurt, I pull my legs up. I am unsure as to what he is thinking right now, but it's all too clear that his mind is nowhere near where mine was just a second ago. Hesitantly I pull up the top half of my suit; no use sitting here half-naked when Kakashi isn't even looking my way. 

His hand ruffles through silvery locks and now I know for _certain_ there is something wrong. Kakashi is always careful not to mess up his hair too much. He once confided in me, saying that his unruly locks were the bane of his existence at times. 

"I… I ran into Sakura on the way over here," Getting up, his hands reach for the collar of his shirt, "She wanted to show me her progress, so we agreed to meet at one, in front of the library," Pulling the mask over his face, Kakashi throws me an apologetic look, "Things between us are just starting to get better again, Gai… I really need to go see her…" 

Swallowing against the utter, devastating disappointment, I get up. Glancing at the clock I realize he'll have to hurry. The bells signaled the _end_ of lunchtime after all – it's already one o'clock, "I'll walk you there…?" My tone is only slightly hopeful, I don't want to say good-bye yet, but at the same time I realize Kakashi will most likely not want me to interfere with his relationship with his only remaining student. 

But he smiles, "I'd love that Gai," Turning for the door, he continues, "But we have to hurry." 

"Of course," Quickly following him, I reach for my flack vest at the same time he does. 

"Oh, and Gai?" He chuckles lightly, "If she gets mad, it's all _your_ fault." 

"My fault?" Swallowing hard, I do my best to keep up with Kakashi as he all but runs out the door, "What do you mean 'my fault'? _You_ forgot, did you not?" 

Walking down the stairs, Kakashi turns on his heels. Underneath the mask, he smiles wide, "Only because you're so damn hot." 

"So it _is_ true!" 

Startled, I freeze. Before me, Kakashi turns back to the street ever so slowly, he is trembling, and so am I. In the middle of the street, Ebisu stands but a few steps in front of the rest. Hands crossed before his chest as his questioning gaze rests upon the two of us. Standing just behind him, Genma looks away, I swallow at just how disgusted he seems to be, "Told ya… Gai's apparently into that…" 

Anko's grin looks almost evil, "Hatake and Gai, sitting in a tree! K-I-S –" 

"Zip it, Anko. I don't wanna hear that shit," Raidou's tone is low, threatening almost. Standing beside him, both Izumo and Kotetsu put their hands over their mouths in an attempt not to anger the tokubetsu as well. Asuma just crosses his arms while Kurenai frowns a little. I swallow hard. This was the last thing I ever wanted to happen…


	31. Won't you let me make it up to you

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter 31: Won't you let me make it up to you_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Here's another update for you lovely peeps. With an amazing Beta from the even more amazing Marina. Love you, Babe.  
Also, this is another diary entry – and it's a flashback chapter. Deal with it, lol 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_I'm home again. I'm sorry I had to leave you behind but if I were to take you with me on my missions, there's a chance that something might happen to you. Or even worse, what if somebody were to find you? And no-one else can ever read you, Diary. What we share together is special, private. No-one else can know. No-one but you can ever know my secret, Diary. I don't trust them. I know they'd find me disgusting, repulsive, filthy – but you don't, right? Right. You're on my side.  
_

_Gai might be on my side too… We're friends, aren't we? But then… He wouldn't remain on my side after he finds out that I like him. Love him. Worship him as the almost-god that he is. He would be disgusted then too, right? Right.  
_

_You're right, Diary. I shouldn't tell them – not any of them. Only you. Only ever you. That's why no-one can find you.  
_

_K.  
_


	32. You dont have to say what's on your mind

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter 32: You don't have to say what's on your mind_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Another chapter, another flashback, another remarkable Beta by the wonderful Marina. Enjoy. (That's an order) 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary,  
**

**Genma has a girlfriend. She has long, black hair and large eyes, apparently. She's a good kisser too, if I can believe him. It seems that by now he is… Trying to get in her pants.  
**

**I honestly hope he will not find the need to describe that in detail as well…  
**

**Sincerely, Maito G.  
**


	33. You can put your trust in me

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter 33: You can put your trust in me_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Dear Diary! Yay! We're closing in on the end here, people. Not quite there yet, but not much longer now. Have you given any thoughts to who 'my' singer is? Hint: Female. ;)  
Also, sorry for the long wait. I really didn´t mean to leave that cliffhanger hanging so long… 

No beta on this but my own, but hey, at least there´s another chappy, no?

 **I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_It seems the secret is out, Diary. It's scary and wrong and I wish I could just run away right now. All these people, they don't know me. They don't know me like you do. These are the people I've been trying to push away for as long as I can remember. First because I was a stuck-up kid – a genius, a jounin before most of them even made chuunin. Then, later, because of the guilt. That slowly changed into 'because I was embarrassed I was having hot dreams about Gai'…  
_

_But now they know.  
_

_Diary, what am I going to do?  
_

_K._

XXX

"Guys…" My voice is a mere breath, and I swallow hard. They're all here! Asuma and Kurenai, Genma and Raidou, the twisted twins, Ebisu… 

"Kakashi," Genma steps forward, sighing softly before looking up at Gai and me. There's an amused twinkle in the man's eyes, his lips twitching ever so slightly. Well, I'm glad _someone_ is having fun, I suppose.  
"You guys… I get that being together is way more important and all, and I'm sure you're trying to memorize every little scar, dent and mole on each other's bodies but… Think you might've forgotten something here?" Grinning, he uses his teeth to point at us with his senbon, "We were all anxiously awaiting how this whole declaration-of-love thingy was gonna work out, ya know. I mean, sure, _coulda_ been a bit more romantic than yelling out 'I love you' in some murky bar, but… _Damn_ guys! I was totally rooting for Kakashi here! And then we never hear another word about it! Like, all of us kinda had the same idea this morning, waiting at the Gate for you to finish your training, but then you just _bolted,_ Gai…!" Genma's tone is complaining as the man clearly pouts, "For Kami's sake! You're like, one of my oldest friends! I'm supposed to be one of the first to congratulate you! But no, you go and _hide_ from everyone! What the hell, Gai?" 

"Genma…?" Judging from his tone, Gai clearly can't believe this is happening. Well, that makes two of us. Just as I'm about to open my mouth, Ebisu scoffs at Genma, drawing our attention back to the guy that first spoke up. 

"Genma! Are you _kidding_ me? Aren't you forgetting something here? I always got along better with Gai than you _ever_ did! If _anyone_ is going to be the first to congratulate him, it's _me_!" 

"Fuck you, Ebisu!" Genma cries out, "All _you_ ever did was call him an oversized _freak_!" 

"It was meant _nicely_! He's _big_ , you know!" 

While, on street level, the bickering continues, Gai suddenly chuckles. His tone quiet and gentle – the tone he only ever uses with _me_ – as he whispers in my ear, "Welcome to my gennin squad, Kakashi…" 

I blink, my tone equally soft, "No wonder you've always been so loud… There's no way they'd even _notice_ you if you didn't yell…" 

"Shut up, Kakashi!" Both of them look up at me, almost furiously so. Their synchronized shout not stopping there, "Just because you're dating _him_ doesn't mean you're one of _us_ now!" 

"Guys…" Stepping in between the two bickering men, Raidou chuckles lightly. Laying his hands on both Genma's and Ebisu's shoulder, he shakes his head a little, "Kakashi's already one of us. He was one of us the second he graduated the Academy, just like you two. Now," Looking up, his eyes meet my own, and Raidou smiles softly, "Let me be the first of this useless bunch to congratulate you two." 

"Wha –" 

"No fair!" 

Squeezing their shoulders tightly for a moment, Raidou cuts off any further protests from Gai's old team members, his smile never wavering. It makes me smile a little too, relief washing over me at the realization that these people really don't _mind_. Well, they mind being kept out of the loop, apparently… Taking a deep breath, I turn to Gai once more. Swallowing a little nervously, I offer him a small smile. He still is and probably forever will be the only that that actually _notices_ my little smiles. Nodding, he quietly takes my extended hand and we descend the stairs together. It makes me feel a little like the prince in one of those fairytale books that I vaguely remember my father reading to me when I was very little. Or maybe I'm the princess. Or we're _both_ the prince – _can_ we both be the prince? Does it even _matter_? I'm happy, annoying over-thinking brain. Just let me be happy for a bit. 

As we step onto the street, we're nearly knocked off our feet by Kurenai as she rushes over to hug the both of us, "I'm really happy for you guys, _really_ ," Letting go, the woman takes a small step back, "But if you _ever_ pull a stunt like that again –!" 

"What she means to say is," Asuma cuts in, "Have a little faith in us, okay?" 

"Asuma…" Beside me, Gai swallows, his hand all but crushing my own, "You ask us to have faith in you, but… Back at the bar… You…" 

"Yeah, about that," Gently pushing the bearded jounin aside, Genma moves to stand before us, "What the hell, man? I know _those_ guys were being annoying as ever," His thumb points over his shoulder, to the twisted twins, "And Anko was beyond drunk, of course. So yeah… But, I never even _said_ anything, Gai. Don't just throw me in with _that_ lot, it's not fair!" 

Sighing softly, Gai pulls a little face at the man, "Genma… I've known you for most of my life, I _know_ –" 

"Whatever you think you know, you got it figured backwards. The only reason I didn't say anything at the time was because I figured you had to decide for yourself. What I _wanted_ to do was send you after him. You two've always been close, so close that I admit it made me jealous when we were younger… But the thing is Gai, this didn't actually surprise me at all. I've actually thought you guys were together several times over the years, but every time I got proven wrong again. And you looked so shocked when Kakashi finally said something that I just… Didn't want you to feel pressured into going after him if that wasn't what you wanted after all. From the outside, it always kinda looked like you were in this on-again off-again thing, and I kinda figured Kakashi'd reached his limit…" 

My vision goes black as I can feel my eye crinkling in an almost real smile, "In a way… I did." 

Gai chuckles lightly, "There was just never an 'on'…" 

"True," Smiling, I turn to my lover, "And I don't intend to ever dance around you like that again… My love," Swallowing, I peek at the others out of the corner of my eye. It's scary to call Gai 'my love' in front of them, but at the same time I feel like I should be able to now. And I _want_ to. I'm just… Anxious. 

But all I see are soft smiles – Kurenai's pretty much melting into a puddle on the ground. Looking back at my lover, I catch his misty-eyed look. 

"Me neither, Kakashi. Me neither." 

"So… For the record…" Asuma clearly hesitates but still presses on, "Are we done with your insane challenges now…?" 

I blink, surprised that he would even come up with that notion, "Absolutely not, Asuma." 

"He is still my eternal rival. I must prove that hard work and dedication can stand on par with raw talent, if not defeat it." 

All around, there is a chorus of groans – our friends clearly don't welcome the idea of us continuing our cycle of challenges. But I don't care. We have a relationship that works, even _if_ we're still trying to figure out how to make _all_ of it work. But they don't have to know that. They don't have to realize how scary it is to think about getting naked with Gai _or_ how tempting. 

Shaking mildly, I almost let go of Gai's hand – but he won't have it. Holding on tightly, he tugs at my hand just a little as if to beg me to stay with him – but then I suddenly realize I can't, " _Sakura_!" My eye catches his as I feel the panic bubbling up, I'm going to be late! _Again!_ I'm going to be _exactly_ the unreliable sensei she's come to expect from me. I can't do that to her! Not her, not Sakura. Not after everything I've done to her already. Putting the boys' progress before hers, pushing her away when she came to ask my blessing to train under Tsunade, keeping her at arm's length all this time. I _have_ to be there for her. No matter what. Even if it means I have to leave Gai behind here and – wait, I can't do that _either_. Oh, if only these annoying people weren't here. If only they didn't get in my way every chance they got! I don't need them anyway, I… I do need them. And I need them to accept me. They're doing that now, and it's a miraculous feeling. One that even transcends the feeling of being loved by Gai – for the time being at least. But I can't just leave Sakura waiting. Swallowing hard, I turn my pleading gaze on Gai, hoping beyond hope that he'll know a way out of this because I sure don't. 

"Sakura?" There is a gentle smile on Asuma's face, "You mean to say you two are finally on speaking terms again?" As I nod mutely, my colleague chuckles lightly, warmly, "Then _go_ ,Kakashi! Don't let us keep you from doing your duty as a jounin sensei," As he steps aside to let us pass, so does everyone else. I shrug lightly, a little uncomfortable with the situation. But Gai won't let me waste any more time, gently pulling me along as we head towards the library. 

Hurrying through the streets of Konoha, Gai never lets go of my hand. It makes me feel happy, wanted. _Loved_. Being with Gai really is the best feeling in the world. Well, at least until you get to the 'alone together and horny' part of it, but we'll figure that out too. I know we will. 

"Well…" Gai's tone is thoughtful as he speaks quietly, "That didn't go half as bad as I would have expected…" 

"Our…" Swallowing hard, I push the word past my lips, "Friends, you mean?" 

A small sigh sounds from beside me, "Yes Kakashi, our friends. When will you accept that they care? Didn't this make it clear enough?" Looking at me with a hint of sadness in his eyes, Gai cocks his head to the side. 

Is it? Is it clear that they care? I don't know. I'm not really used to having friends. I'm used to having Gai though – but how long ago did that stop being _just_ friendship and turn into something… More? I don't really remember to be honest, it's been forever. But Gai knows that, right? Just like he knows I've never had many friends. Glancing up I catch his worried look. I sigh softly, "I guess. I just… Don't really know how to… Deal with it, I suppose." 

"You will have to learn, Kakashi. You may not have realized this, since you were so preoccupied with closing yourself off from everyone for all these years, but… They are _my_ friends at least. And they've been trying really hard to be your friends too. And now we're together, and they're all okay with it – I think," Shaking his head a little, Gai soldiers on, trying to ignore the note of uncertainty in his eyes and his voice, "So can't they be _our_ friends from now on?" 

"Yes…" But not the twisted twins. And not that annoying academy sensei that's always hovering around my students. Not them, "But you're gonna have to help me out a little, Gai. I don't… I don't even know how to talk to them…" Embarrassed, I look away. As I catch someone coming towards us, I instinctively try to pull my hand out of Gai's grasp, but he still won't budge, " _Gai…_ " I can't help but whisper, not wanting this person that's quickly closing in to realize what we're talking about – to realize we're holding hands, "Gai, please. I'll try and make nice with them, okay? Just not this one. I really don't like this one, Gai. I don't wanna talk about this with him," I know Gai realizes 'this' is our joined hands. For a second, he holds me even tighter than before. But then he lets go, and Iruka-sensei is here and I just wish that _I_ was _not_. 

"Kakashi? I was asked to go find you," Smiling brightly, he looks up at me. Then frowns when he notices that I'm anything but happy to see him, "This again? Look _, I_ _didn't know you were dating her_ ," Clearly annoyed, he rolls his eyes at Gai before looking back at me. But I cut him off. I don't know why I'm saying this and I can't seem to be able to _stop_ saying it, but still. Didn't I just say 'not _him'?  
_

"I really don't mind, Iruka-sensei. That was years ago. Not to mention the fact that I already told you I _wasn't_ dating her. We had one date. It didn't work out. You asked her out and – how did that turn out though?" Suddenly curious, I can't help myself, "She _was_ quite the handful…" 

"You're telling _me_ …" Sighing, the brunette looks away, clearly embarrassed. I like where this is going, "I get that the guy's supposed to pay, and I'm okay with that. But only the most expensive dishes at the most expensive restaurants, coupled with the most expensive – _everything_!" He sighs again, looking back at me, "You could've warned me, you know…" 

What? And miss out on that perfect opportunity to get back at you for being the only person that Naruto ever talked about? Except for himself, of course. Naruto talks a _lot_ about himself. About being the best, about becoming Hokage… I miss that kid… "Why? I mean, she was clearly worth it, so…" 

"Worth it?" The guy seems to be getting worked up now, " _Worth it_?! All she would _ever_ talk about was herself! Oh, and all the things I should be doing for her, of course! And let's not forget all the bills she tried to dump in my lap!" 

Confused, I momentarily forget that Gai is standing right next to me, forget the promise I made him less than an hour ago as a slow, wicked grin spreads across my face, "Wait, that's _all_ she ever dumped in your lap?" 

"Wha-… Ye-yeah…" Blushing fiercely, he looks away again, no doubt realizing the reputation the girl in question has. Realizing that I got way further than he ever did – and I only went on one date with her. I'm almost starting to feel sorry for the guy, _almost._

"Well isn't this – " 

"Kakashi," Gai interrupts me, clearly annoyed, "Drop it." 

Looking at my lover for a moment, I swallow hard. He asked me to find a way so he wouldn't have to hear about all the girls I've dated, didn't he? And here I am… Throwing that request in the wind just because I finally found a way to get back at Iruka Umino. No matter what a nuisance the guy is, I shouldn't hurt Gai just to… To what? Upset him? Oh, he's clearly upset. Chewing on his lip, hands clenching to fists and releasing again, clenching and releasing again… And what did he ever do to deserve my wrath? Be a good sensei? Oh wow, I must've really hit a new low. I'm… Despicable, aren't I? Why does Gai even put up with me? He knows what a horrible person I am, right? So then… Why? 

"Kakashi…" 

Without thinking, I reach out to him. Take his hand in mine once more. Giving it a gentle squeeze, I turn my eyes on the guy that I've been trying to hate for so long, "I'm sorry. That was a dick move, Iruka and I'm really sorry…" 

Sighing, he looks away again, but the hands by his side are slowly relaxing, "Why do you hate me so much, Kakashi? It didn't used to be like this. We used to get along…" 

Reaching out, I grab his shoulder, gently turning him towards me, "We did. And then I got a student that preferred you over me. And it hurt. So… I tried to hurt you in return… I'm really sorry, Iruka." 

"Preferred me over you…? Are you… Are you serious? You're talking about Naruto, aren't you? But he… He never stopped talking about _you_. All the things you were teaching him, how he wished _you_ would train him before the chuunin exams instead of bringing in Ebisu. How much he admired you and wanted to be like you… You really think he preferred _me_? I'm just his old academy sensei. Apart from _you_ , I'm the only adult who's ever listened to him. Of _course_ you'd hear my name – I had to practically raise him! And then he grew up and all he ever wanted to talk to me about was how much cooler _you_ are. How much better. How you didn't treat him like a little kid. How you fought Zabuza, how awesome your Chidori is, how much better you are at tai-jutsu…" He shakes his head and I can literally _see_ him swallow his tears, "Why are you blaming me for caring about him? Why do you hate me for listening to the boy talk about how awesome his life has become? Because of _you,_ no less…!" 

Overwhelmed, I can't help but take a small step back, "I didn't know… I just thought… To _me_ he was always going on about Iruka-sensei this and Iruka-sensei that… How he was going to make you proud, how he was going to prove he was worth all the time and effort you spent on him, how you… Are his family…" 

"Only because you never let him into yours," Pulling a little face, Iruka suddenly chuckles, "Look at us, quarreling about who our former student loves more…" 

"Yeah…" Rubbing the back of my head, I grin sheepishly, "Obviously it's Jiraiya…" 

"Oh, don't you –…" Smiling softly, the younger suddenly turns serious again, shaking his head a little, "He's a teenager now… Two-and-a-half years, Kakashi. Two-and-a-half years and he's finally – Oh dear Kami, that's why I was looking for you! He's back, Kakashi, he's finally home! Lady Tsunade wants to see you in her office _immediately_ in order to welcome Naruto back Konoha-style!" 

Blinking, I take another step back. Naruto… He's home…? Home?! _Home!_ Naruto has finally come back to us! Sakura doesn't hate me! Naruto is back! Now… If only Sasuke would ever come back… 

Shaking my head to get rid of the sudden sadness in my heart, I straighten my back, "Naruto… He's really back?" 

"He is, I saw him myself," Iruka is beaming at me, giving me the happiest smile I've ever seen on his face. To be honest, it reminds me of Naruto's smile, "But you have to go to Lady Tsunade's office, Sakura will bring him there. But, before you go… One thing," Suddenly looking a little lost, the man shuffles his feet a little, "We're good now, right? No more going around behind each other's backs? You don't hate me anymore…?" 

"No more going behind each other's backs. And… I never hated you. I tried, but…" Smiling fondly beneath my mask, I cock my head, "You're just too nice of a person. I couldn't do it." 

"No?" Looking down at his feet for a moment, the chuunin has a hidden smile in his voice, "So you… Like me? Hope you don't like me the way you like Gai, because that would get very awkward, very soon…" 

"Eh… You noticed…" 

"What? You two holding hands? Of _course_ I did, dummy!" Chuckles turn into laughter but as he finally looks up again, Iruka looks serious, "For the record, that was a joke. I didn't really know…" Looking away again, "I couldn't really ignore it anymore, but I didn't know how to… Eh… Bring it up." 

"We understand, Iruka," Gai's tone is soothing, his smile soft, "It is kind of a weird situation. However, it seems we have more important things to worry about now," Gently tugging at my hand, Gai gives me a soft smile, "Let's go welcome back Naruto, Kakashi." 

Taking a deep breath, I nod, but don't move yet, "Iruka-sensei… We're still good, right? Me and Gai… Doesn't upset you?" 

He chuckles, "Not at all. Just keep the PDA to a minimum around the kids, will you?" Winking, he walks off, calling over his shoulder to tell us to hurry up already. That sounds like a solid plan so we quickly make our way over to Hogake Tower.


	34. Let me make it clear

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter 34: Let me make it clear_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary  
**

**And so the prodigal son has returned! Kakashi is clearly ecstatic about it and it makes me happy too. Maybe now he will finally see that not everything that ever went wrong is his fault. Maybe now… He can finally say goodbye to the darkness in his soul. But even if he cannot, I will love him forever more. Kakashi Hatake, the love of my life.  
**

**Sincerely, Gai M**

XXX

We have a new destination now: Hokage Tower. The bounce in Kakashi's step in undeniable, he clearly cannot wait to see Naruto again. I can certainly understand. He's missed the boy so much. And now, when he's realizing that people don't have any quarrels about our relationship, I'm guessing he wants to tell Naruto as well. It makes me a little proud. 

"Kakashi," My tone is soft, "I am happy he has returned as well…" 

"Yeah?" He smiles at me, one of his real smiles, "I feel… Like a piece of myself that was missing has finally returned… Not just my student, but…" Frustrated, he sighs, "I don't really know how to describe it, Gai. But it feels good to know he's back. Really good." 

I couldn't hold back my grin if I wanted to, but I don't want to. There is never a reason to hide my happiness from the man I love. But I don't speak, we can just be happy in silence. 

As Hokage Tower draws nearer, a familiar knot begins to twist up my stomach. Last time we were here, Kakashi had a meltdown. Last time we were here, he almost succeeded in turning everyone against him. Last time we were here… Lead to us being together like this. We're together. A couple. We… Are not allowed to keep this to ourselves, now are we? Disclosure of romantic involvement. It's mandatory. How will Lady Hokage take this? Hesitantly, I speak up, "Kakashi…" 

"I know," The words come out clipped, "We have to inform her. After what happened at your apartment there is no way to keep this hidden anymore." 

"How should we tell her?" 

Suddenly, he stops walking. Pulling me into a dim alley, he presses his body up against mine, a naughty glimmer in his eye, "What if – bear with me here – but what if, we _don't_ tell her?" 

"Kakashi," Sighing, I look away, "I know you think we can get away with it because she'll be too busy with Naruto's return, but –" 

"Not at all, Romeo. Not at all. That woman would skin us alive if we tried to use that as an excuse. But…" Looking off into the quiet street for a second, Kakashi takes a deep breath, "I don't want to tell her. I want –" 

"I can do it, if that's what you're trying to ask…" I'm confused, I don't fully understand what Kakashi is trying to say, hoping that this solves the matter even though I really don't want to have to do this alone. 

"No, I'm not," Smiling brightly, Kakashi leans in closer, "I'm saying, 'let's not use words'. Let's get this over with a.s.a.p. so I can focus on Naruto. And Sakura. On getting Sasuke back," Those last words sound determined, harsh even – but I can't blame him. Now that Naruto is finally back it makes sense that my rival wishes his entire team was back together again. But… No words…? 

"What do you mea–"

"This," He doesn't give me time to react, doesn't even let me finish my question before he presses his lips against mine. His _masked_ lips. Didn't we talk about this? Or did I only have this conversation in my head? Am I turning into him? Having conversations with people that aren't even _present_?! 

Shocked, I push Kakashi away from me, push that awkward feeling of covered lips away from my own. Panting, I stare at him. But I don't know how to explain myself and as I watch his expression turn sad, I don't know what to do anymore, "Kakashi…" 

"I get it," Spinning on his heels, he sets his sights on the Tower once more, "We'll just… Say it then." 

"That's not…" Sighing dejectedly, I reach out to turn him around. As his defeated gaze finally rests upon my own beaten-down features, I swallow hard, "It's not that I don't want to… I mean…" Taking a deep breath, I look away, "I know you don't want to show your face to people, so if we're to kiss in public, I would have to deal with that. But… I hate that mask, Kakashi. I hate how it feels against my lips. I don't mind not being to kiss in public if it means I don't have that unsettling feeling. I'm sorry, I know it is very selfish. But…" 

"It's the mask?" Disbelief in his voice, but I can't look at him yet. 

"Yes. I am sorry." 

"This mask?" 

"Yes, Kakashi."

"You don't like how it feels when I kiss you with the mask on?" 

" _Yes_ , Kakashi!" Frustrated, I turn back to face him. Expecting him to be showing me that cheeky smile. But Kakashi seems dead-serious. 

"So… You're not offended that I wanted to try and find a way where we didn't have to spell it out, you're just… Appalled by the mask…" 

"I am by no means appalled, my love," Smiling softly, I reach up to stroke his cheek, "I just _really_ dislike the feeling." 

"It's the mask, right? It really isn't me?" 

Confused again, I frown, "I _love_ you. And I know the mask is part of you, but –" 

"Yeah, yeah," Literally waving my words aside with his hand, Kakashi finally smiles again, "I just… Got a little insecure, I guess. It'll happen sometimes, Gai. You know me," Shrugging a little embarrassedly Kakashi continues, "When you pushed me away, I just… Anyway, I need you to always be clear about why you're pushing me away, okay? I can handle it if it's something stupid I did. I can't handle thinking you don't want me anymore… I'm… Pretty much damaged goods, Gai. I'm sorry." 

"You think I didn't already know?" Cocking my head a little, I smile softly, "I love you, Kakashi Hatake. And I will do everything I can to help you mend again. Always." 

Suddenly, the man I love raises one finger, his expression cheeky, " _Except_ kissing my mask, right?" 

"Eh…" A chuckle wells up in my chest and I shake my head a little in amusement, "Exactly." 

"It's just that, I figured we could kinda freak them out, you know. Just casually walk in there and once we get Tsunade's full attention for a moment, we kiss. I'm kind of curious to see how she'd take it, is all…" 

"Probably… Not too well," Chuckling, I try the scene out in my head, "I am quite certain she would yell at us…" 

"Ah… But is that _before_ or _after_ she realizes she'll never get the image of two hot guys kissing out of her head again?" 

I see where he's coming from and part of me agrees it could definitely be fun, but… "I'd like to keep my job, Kakashi. Lady Tsunade has been so stressed lately she could very well decide to distract herself with finding new and horrible ways to discipline _us_ …" 

"Eh…?" Looking thoughtful for a moment, Kakashi seems to contemplate my words, "Okay, you're right. But it's still fun to think about…" 

"It is, but we will just have to settle for the boring way of informing her, Adonis. After all, the spotlight is on Naruto today, isn't it?" 

I watch in awe as suddenly Kakashi's entire demeanor changes. He strikes a pose, giving me a thumb's up as he grins widely – he's _clearly_ imitating me, it's hilarious, "You got it, Gai!" 

XXX

" _Finally_!" The Hokage sighs as we enter her office, her annoyed look resting upon Kakashi as usual, "Do you honestly have to be late for _everything_?" Getting up from behind her desk, she walks up to us and I can feel Kakashi stiffen beside me, "I realize that you don't like me very much right now, Kakashi. I _get_ it _._ I'm just the one of the people that stole your students away – that's how you see it, isn't it?" But she doesn't even give him time to reply, her voice sounding like a whip, "But this isn't _about_ me! This is about Naruto. Didn't Iruka tell you why I summoned you here?" 

"Yes, Naruto is back. But –" 

" _Exactly_. He's back. And you're his sensei – even _I'm_ not sure what that makes Jiraiya, but who cares? He's back in the village Kakashi, and you're probably the person he wants to see most right now." 

"I think that'd be Sakura though…" 

Rolling her eyes at the both of us, Tsunade leans back against her desk, "He's already _with_ Sakura right now. But we probably don't have a lot of time left before they come here. Kakashi, I want you to evaluate how much he's improved during his training with Jiraiya. And Sakura too. You're by far the best man for the job." 

I can feel my heart swell with pride as the man beside me rubs the back of his head, looking a little uncomfortable, "I.. I guess so…" 

"Yes. You. Are," Smiling softly, the Hokage places a hand on his shoulder, "So get ready, they could be here any minute now," Looking at me, she gently waves me away, "Gai, whatever it is, can we talk about it later?" 

"Actually…" Reaching out, Kakashi takes my hand, cocks his head and crinkles his eye at the surprised blonde, "No." 

"Wait," Stepping back a little, Tsunade's smile is unmistakable, "Is this what I think it is?" 

Smiling, I can't help but move a little closer to my boyfriend, "That would depend on what you think this is, Lady Hokage." 

"Are you guys…?" 

"Very much in love. I mean – we're together, this is our official notice. That's obligatory, isn't it?" Kakashi sounds a little insecure, probably because he's never dated anyone long enough to let anyone else know before. 

"Yes it is, Kakashi," Smiling softly, she gives the pair of us a once-over, quietly repeating her own words, "Yes. It. Is…" Suddenly though, she shakes her head a little as if to clear her head, "Look guys, I'm happy for you, really. But right now we need to focus on the tasks at hand. I _was_ actually going to ask Gai to take on the mission that landed on my desk about an hour ago, but I think I'll pass that one to Asuma. I think you deserve a little more time together. I'll be expecting both of you to return to your regular duties in… Two weeks. That's the best I can give you. By then I'll expect you to have filled in all the necessary paperwork as well. Your 'in case of emergency' forms, the official statement saying you two are together – all that. I'm quite certain you wouldn't be telling me if you weren't sure, so I really need the paperwork done to prevent issues in the future." 

"We are sure," Gently squeezing my lover's hand one last time, I let go, "I should probably go, right?" 

"Yeah… I don't really want to confront Naruto with 'us' right away, Gai… Unless Sakura's already told him…" 

"Sakura knows?" Eyebrows raised, Tsunade smiles, "You _are_ serious about this, huh?" 

I nod, "Very. But for now, I've neglected my training too much. Kakashi, I'll be on my regular training grounds if you wish to find me. Let me know how things go, alright?" 

"Thanks, Gai," Smiling at me, he glances over at the Hokage for a second, "Hey… Wait up," Decidedly turning his back towards the blonde, Kakashi pulls the mask down just far enough so his lips are uncovered – it's an invitation I cannot resist. But after that, I have to leave. Kakashi should be allowed to reunite with Naruto in peace – and I _really_ need to train, get some of this pent-up energy out. As I leave the Hokage's office I can just about make out Kakashi's voice suggesting to wait out on the roof for further impact. He's such a drama queen sometimes… Oh Kami, I love him so much.


	35. Come on over here

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter 35: Come on over here_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Okay yes.. It's been forever and a day. So I kinda maybe forgot about Dear Diary for a bit there – sue me :P 

**I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)**

XXX

 _Dear Diary,  
_

_So, Naruto has finally come back to us. It's taken the brat long enough… I've really missed him, you know? I still have the cactus he gave me, managed to keep it alive and well. You should be proud, Diary.  
_

_I wonder if it would be too rude to punch Jiraiya's lights out next time I see him? Not only did he take away my student, he really was quite rude and annoying that night at the memorial stone. Not to mention the fact that he still hasn't finished the next installment of Icha Icha… I want to know if he's going to pick up that storyline again. You know which one I'm talking about, right Diary? The one with the gay character. I wonder if I noticed it right. And, if it's like, totally hot, maybe I can get Gai to read it. Maybe… Maybe it'll help us do some things too. Naughty things. I really wanna do naughty things with Gai, Diary. Like, really badly.  
_

' _Naughty things'… I kind of wonder if Iruka even knows what you'd mean by that… He got with what is arguably the easiest girl in the entire village and he still didn't get any… Makes you wonder, huh Diary? Makes you wonder if he's even… Interested. Oh, who am I kidding? That look on his face? He's interested alright! Wonder if he's still a virgin…? It would explain a lot… But it'd be so weird though! Iruka isn't all that bad looking, even I can tell!  
I should probably stop thinking about Iruka now, right Diary?  
_

_Let's think about Naruto… I wonder how much he's grown since I last saw him. If he's matured a little. What if I suddenly feel like I'm looking at Minato-sensei? I mean, the kid really looks a lot like him, so… He's just as kind, too. Jiraiya said that Minato-sensei wouldn't have minded me being in love with Gai. Would Naruto be different from his parents? Somehow… If I honestly think about it… I think he'd be okay with it. I sure hope I'm right though. Naruto… He's important to me. He's… Family.  
_

_K.  
_


	36. Show you how much I care

_**Dear Diary  
**_ _Chapter 36: Show you how much I care_

XXX

 _ **A/N:**_ Hiya folks! College life has left me out of prison just long enough to bring you this little gem. Savor it, I'd say :P 

_I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)_

XXX

 **Dear Diary  
**

**And so, the secret has come out. We have come out. No more hiding. The only person left to tell is Naruto Uzumaki. Kakashi seems nervous about it, though perhaps not as nervous as he was about telling our other students. Maybe it is because he's already seen that things can turn out okay.  
**

**Naruto… I wonder how he will want to tell him. Will he do it alone, while I am out training? Or will Kakashi prefer to do this together as well? If I am completely honest with myself, I would have to admit I'd prefer to be there. So far we have told everyone together, I'd like to keep it that way.  
**

**Lady Tsunade took things surprisingly well, she even granted us an extra two weeks together before we have to worry about going to work once more. I have always known her to be a reasonable person, but when it comes to Kakashi, she usually is not. She was today though. And she even gave us the time off… Two weeks, what'll we do with that? Obviously I should train, but apart from that… Perhaps we could have our second date? I should take him this time. But where? His first date was hard to top, not to mention the fact that I don't even really know what I'm doing… Perhaps… I can get away with just taking him to dinner? If I secure a private booth, it should be alright. And then after? Ask him to take me to his apartment, maybe? Maybe even… Make use of his double bed?  
**

**I should stop writing now. I need… To train. Yes, train. Not think about – just train.  
**

**Sincerely Gai M.**


End file.
